This Life... ...a Prologue

Death and the Search for Rest

2012-01-09T20:25:00.000-08:00

Last weekend we went to Austin to celebrate a late Christmas with Sam's sister, her hubby and Mom and Dad Harvey. On Sunday we all went to Amanda and Tim's church, and the pastor reminded me of a thought I had a few weeks ago. He was talking about how humanity in general is essentially looking for rest. Our lives tend to be so jam-packed, that we're constantly running around trying to catch up with the whirls of this life. Meanwhile, Jesus promises us... rest.

The pastor discussed Matthew 11:28-30:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

The only way we've been able to get through all this is clinging to Him. He is our medicine. He gives us relief unlike anything else. After the months we've had, I came to a realization a few weeks ago that may sound a bit creepy to some. I thought, "I cannot wait to be in Heaven with Him!" To be free from all burdens, free from pain, from stress, from menial earthly things... to spend eternity with Him. Every single thing that clutters my mind... gone. For the fist time in my life, I didn't fear death. What a wonderful joy it is to know that this imperfect world and my imperfect self are not "it".

Bidding Adieu to my Bear

2012-01-03T21:07:00.001-08:00

Happy New Year!

Sooo in the spirit of "new year, new beginnings", blah blah, I decided to go through stuff and get rid of anything I hadn't used in a while: clothes, knick knacks, you name it. I've had this flippin' ADORABLE bear for a couple of years now; Sam saw it at a store and bought it for me and I was THRILLED and melted when I first laid eyes on him (you'll see what I mean in a sec). Unfortunately since I'm not 5 years old, I can't carry him around everywhere I go and (blame watching all Toy Story movies this past week) I felt sad for the bear because all he was doing was collecting dust instead of being some kid's plaything.

So I decided to give him up.

But not before taking a bunch of parting shots. I HAD to share them.

Cuddliest stuffed animal ever!

Awwwww

Even his bow is cute...

...so are his paws.

Thanks for the good times, buddy!

November 10th, 2011

2011-12-06T19:22:00.000-08:00

This is a day which marked a change in me. While at work looking over wallpaper samples for a project, I suddenly imagined using the samples I didn't use to decorate a dollhouse for our little girl. I quickly texted Sam, telling him that I couldn't wait to adopt a little girl so we could make these sudden visions of mine a reality. I was excited to adopt..!

Above all, I was so very glad that I AM, in fact, making progress. We've been doing the hormone replacement therapy (estrogen and progesterone shots) to help level off my hormones, so things have settled down quite a bit compared to the months when I was at my darkest. I still have off moments, like a few weeks ago when we went to a Christmas special event at Wolfpen Creek, and I became teary-eyed at the sight of little girls all so excited to perform their little dance onstage, while their families looked on, proudly. Overall though, I am so much better; and I am relieved. I feel peace.

It's so easy to read the words in the Bible: "I am your faithful servant, Thy will be done onto me..." In reality though, this is one of THE most difficult things in life: to reroute your own selfish desires, no matter how good or pure they may seem to you, to match those of God. To literally let go, and tell Him that you've stopped trying to take those reins off His hands. But I'm trying.

Because I know you'll read this... eventually

2011-11-05T07:53:00.000-07:00

When we married almost four years ago, I didn't think it'd be possible to love you more than I did that day. My heart was filled with joyful love, and full of dreams about the future.

Since our biggest trial yet began in June though, I have realized that my love for you has increased exponentially: I love you intensely, in our happiest times AND in our darkest times. You have shown me a kind of strength I had no idea you had; only God can provide it to those who love Him. I know it breaks you when you see me cry; and I know you stress just as much as I do when you have to give your wife painful progesterone shots. But in the midst of this torturous trial, we have fervently prayed together; have mourned our fertility together; and have slowly begun to come out of this together. And my love for you... wow, it's amazing.

A kiss tastes so much sweeter now; and your embrace... I long for your embrace if we're apart for longer than a regular day's work. If there is beauty in our suffering, unbelievable beauty... this is it, baby.

I love you.

Fall Joy

2011-11-03T20:16:00.001-07:00

I love days like today. I love coming home from work, and it's cold enough outside to have the heat on and Sam and I are able to relax and have fun together. We had dinner together; played one of his video games (I loved it, and I'm totally sure it has to do with the fact that it has TWO actions you can do: run and splode. Yep, I spelled that right). And we watched the season 2 finale of "Heroes" (yes, we're very very late watching that show). Now I've got turkey chili cooking, and I'm joyfully watching "Scream 3" as I edit photos. Life IS good.

I missed writing about the great days.

What a Test.

2011-10-21T18:26:00.000-07:00

Just found out that someone else I know is pregnant.

This'll sound utterly silly, but we need to adopt a child, soon. Otherwise, every time anyone around us becomes pregnant, it'll become another reminder of what we cannot have.

I'm reaching for Him. I'm not as bad as last time. It just sucks to have people tell us, "I'm/we're pregnant, and I'm/we're so happy, but I'm/we're sorry for you."

Romans 8:28.

zzzzzzzzzzz..... ZOOM!

2011-10-18T20:35:00.000-07:00

Well hello, Mr. 1.8-aperture lens. You're kind of awesome. ;)

Our BRW CS latest: Sugar Land's Fire Station No. 7

2011-10-16T21:15:00.000-07:00

Check out one of our newest designs..! This design was a collaborative effort between Ray (our boss), Janelle and me. I worked with Ray on the exterior, and Janelle led the interior design process. The grand opening was yesterday; it was quite an event: they had free food and popcorn, a bouncy castle, activities like taking your photo in a very old fire truck and getting to use the long fire hoses to hit a target... it was lots of fun and the clients are so thrilled with their new building. Even though Construction Administration has been a royal pain, it makes it ALL worth it when you know you've got a happy building user. Gotta say, I'm so proud of this one.. :)

The awesome lobby:

The kitchen. I WANT this kitchen:

Day Room:

Elevation from across the street:

The tower (my baby) stands so proud and tall:

YESSSSSS.

Grace, Acceptance, and His Promise

2011-10-16T20:45:00.000-07:00

After two visits to Dr. K. in Austin in the span of a week, we've decided that we cannot continue going for ultrasound checkups every week. We've been spending over $100 each time we travel to Austin, and have had to work extra hours to make up for the time we're gone, since we're almost out of sick time. Most importantly, nothing has changed or shown evidence that my ovaries want to work. We'll continue with the treatments, and I will continue to get blood drawn whenever Dr. K. wants to see where my levels are, but that's about it. As much as I want to be a mom and carry a baby, my guess is that all the traveling is adding stress that will not help me get there.

Last week and for the fist time, I spoke with Mimi (my grandma) about the possibility of adoption. I explained that Sam and I had decided to begin looking into adoption if we have not been able to get pregnant by January or February, and even though she'd love to deny it, I could tell she was not thrilled with the idea. When I said that we had to accept that maybe having a baby naturally was not in God's plan for us, she told me, "Don't say that. You're giving up too easily. God can do anything..."

*sigh*. Yes, I know He can. Turning my little ovaries around to have them produce a tiny little egg is peanuts for Him. He once parted a sea... I think He could handle this.

She proceeded to tell me, "well, maybe this is just not your time to become parents..." I have to wrestle myself a little to not feel insulted by the comment.

Ever since I talked to Mimi I have wondered if I have, indeed, given up hope. Sometimes I think that I have; sometimes I just think I'm beginning to accept. I've nearly torn my brain in half trying to pull myself out of the darkness I was in... I don't know that I could be out of it if I don't learn to surrender my stubbornness and move forward. How many times have I tormented myself with questions such as "what's going to happen...?" and "what will I do...?", only to have the situation "figure itself out", without being affected by my input at all? How many times must HE show us that HE is in control for us to learn to let go...?

If anything, I need to accept this for my own mental well-being. Call it an act of self-preservation, if you will. Have I stopped thinking of what I'm in the process of giving up? No... but I need to move on. I have neglected so much in the past few months because of this: some of my rose plants have died. I didn't have my car's oil changed this Summer, and a tire's looking low. Our house is a mess. I've been afraid that I will neglect my husband as well, and I categorically refuse to do this. As soon as we decided to not go to Austin anymore, both Sam and I felt instant relief. This weekend I got to organize a bunch of things around the house, and I feel rejuvenated, in a way. Finally, I feel the kind of peace I hadn't felt in a long time.

I know that He can provide us with a miracle. He knows how much I have desired this. But in the midst of my recovery, I sense that He has an amazing plan for us. He has made this promise:

"For we know that in all things, God works for the good of all those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose..." - Romans 8:28.

I'm holding on to this.

Surrender...

2011-09-28T11:09:00.000-07:00

I wrote this yesterday while taking a break at work.

I don't know why I've been so emotional lately about this. Maybe it's the progesterone shots, who knows. I'm struggling again with the idea of letting go of my beautiful dream. I again feel the temptation to think this is so unfair, and that I feel so betrayed by this body of mine. Lord, how can I give this to you? Please teach me... I'm so weak. It's a wrenching tug-of-war inside: I try so hard to hold on and let go. I'm afraid of the struggle again. Last time I went through this I eventually saw my spirit fall, exhausted from my eyery thought. I want to let go...! I want to...! If anything to have peace inside. Somehow, a part of me fights this though. How can the beautiful desire to carry a child become such a harsh restraint on my soul?

I keep thinking of this Barlow Girl song, "Surrender". There is not one word in this song that doesn't ring true with my internal struggle:

My hands hold safly to my dreams

Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me

You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?

P-A-T-I-E-N-C-E. Patience.

2011-09-04T22:11:00.000-07:00

I can now see why so many women struggling with infertility become obsessed with trying to get pregnant. Ever since Dr. K. in Austin prescribed this plan we're following, it's made me think about the possibility of becoming a mother that much more.

So a brief (hopefully) recap: only two days after returning from our trip to Austin, after Sam and I had definitively decided to begin the adoption process, and after 15 months of not having had a period... I had one. I did not know what the heck to think, but I decided to call Dr. K. and see if this changed his initial reaction to our case. He immediately ordered further blood work to check my FSH and estradiol levels; my FSH had dramatically lowered to 38, from the initial 130. My estradiol was low, but not too low. So Dr. K. did some research and after a few days, suggested a plan to try to get us pregnant naturally. There's only about 33% chances it will work, but we were more than willing to try this: it was something, at least. The plan consists of three phases: phase 1--I take ethinyl estradiol for two weeks; phase 2--ethinyl estradiol plus an FSH compound; and phase 3--I take something else... HCG? Can't remember. I do know that while I take the FSH, he wants to perform several ultrasounds to make sure that my ovaries are not being overly stimulated. Ever since I started taking the ethinyl estradiol, I've had fertile mucus so we're taking advantage of that.

All these developments have been exciting, nerve-wrecking and ever-present in my mind, primarily because I have to take the ethinyl estradiol three times a day (so how could I NOT think about it, right?). We bought pregnancy tests; and even though I know this is not the time to take one yet (it's just way too early), I took one today. I couldn't contain myself anymore, I had to know. As I should've known based on what I now know about the menstrual cycle, the test came back negative. I began having negative feelings right away: "what if this doesn't happen?...what if I've built up hopes for nothing?..."what IF...!!!?". *sigh*. I promise, I really wish sometimes that I could turn it off. This is exhausting, mentally speaking.

Tonight at church, I once again prayed fervently that the Holy Spirit help me accept God's will, if His will is that we adopt. I need to be gracious with our Lord and Creator, and with His perfect will. I need to be prepared. I felt somewhat ashamed that I took a pregnancy test today knowing that it likely wouldn't show anything, because it showed my lack of trust in the Lord. No matter how many times I take that test, whatever happens cannot be changed by how many times I do that. It may be a bad analogy, but I reminded myself of Moses and how he succumbed to the temptation of hitting the rock with his staff twice, even though God had instructed him to hit the rock only once.

The culprit is, as so many times it's been, my impatience with almost everything. If I could name one wonderful thing that marriage does for a person is this: marriage allows you to see yourself at your best and at your worst; you get to display and face your absolutely best and absolutely worst qualities (and then you go, "Aw crap."). And mine is impatience... maybe this trial, this cross I'm bearing at this time, is God's way to purify my soul and teach me about patience, and trust in Him. In a way, I rejoice at the opportunity to feel humble, to be quiet, and to learn. Quietly, in prayer. I cannot deny that this is painful, not being a mom yet. But my faith in Him has not, and will not go away. This is a trial He must know I can stand, through Him. The beauty of these painful trials is that you get to realize how flippin' helpless you are without Him. And I am so weak, so humbled by this...

A couple of weeks ago when this treatment started, I prayed that God teach me how to leave everything in His hands; let Jesus carry this cross for me. And I have been doing much better these past couple of weeks, but the second the possibility of becoming pregnant looms... I fall to my old tricks again.

A part of me cannot wait. My body has ached with this desire for over a year now, and it's so very hard. But this anxiety goes against Him, and what He wants me to do. I need to calm down. I need to let go. Because as much as I'd like to believe the contrary, I'm not holding down anything, I have power over nothing. Only He does. I get tired of thinking about this all the time, my life is about so much more. I know I'm at a point where motherhood IS my next step as a woman.

How I dream of becoming a mother....!

Austin.

2011-08-14T15:04:00.001-07:00

This past Friday we had yet another confirmation that we cannot have children. Our last hope, medically speaking, was a doctor who studied and worked under Dr. Hilgers (the man who developed the NFP method we follow). The hope is almost gone. This doctor was very polite and very upbeat when he first introduced himself. After seeing our NFP chart and my history, he was at a loss for words. Before I had a chance to fully digest his reaction, he was saying that adoption should be considered. Though very polite, it annoyed me that he kept saying, "this is very tough, guys. Very, very tough". I understand that he just didn't know what to say, but it felt like rubbing my nose on my infertility over and over. Even if we would've been in favor of IVF, I wouldn't have been a candidate because my hormone levels are so off the charts. Even the exploratory surgeries that Dr. Hilgers likes to perform would be pointless.

Now I know how Michael felt right after his first wife died. He told Sam he hated the pity looks, the "time heals wounds" comments that people would give him. I know that feeling exactly now. I HATE the pity comments. I hate them. I'm thankful that my faith has been strong enough that I have not become angry with God, yet I hate the "we're praying for you" comments. That does not alleviate pain. I think it's because "we're praying for you", along with the equally popular "our thoughts and prayers go out to you", has become one of those Hallmark-type things everyone says when they don't know, or don't care, to come up with something better to say. Yes, we appreciate the prayers. At this point, prayer is the only thing that can pull us out of this. But I HATE hearing, "we're praying for you". Half the time, the words are empty.

At times I envision myself with my eyes tightly shut, holding my head with both hands and screaming with my mouth wide open as strongly as I can, yet no sound comes out. It's a deaf cry. Sometimes I envision an arm extended up, pleading for help at the bottom of a jet-black pit. But no help comes. When I think about what's happened during the past couple of months, I have a knot in my throat. It feels like I can't get enough air, I cannot speak. My heart shrinks. I have this heart which was so ready to give our child all the love I could give him or her. I was so ready to feel life inside. Been ready for over a year.

Sometimes I feel like just posting it on Facebook for EVERYBODY to see: "Dear everybody: we CANNOT have children. Ask us one more time when we're going to have kids and I'll punch you in the face".

Thankfully, the rest of the weekend was better. We spent it in Austin, going to McKinney Falls (which should be more aptly called "McKinney trickles", at least until they get some good rain), the Austin Zoo, several local food joints. I like Austin. It wouldn't be the end of the world to live in Longhorn county; the natural beauty of the area, tied with the quirkiness of everything you see, makes it a very special place and makes up for the abundance of burned orange we'd see everywhere. Sam was... unbelievably amazing. Supportive and kind. Gentle. Exactly what I needed. Sometimes I'm truly amazed at how God knew exactly who I needed to cross paths with, because without Sam I truly do not know where I would be.

Now we're home, and it's back to the grind. We have discussed our options (or lack thereof), and have decided to proceed with adoption. We need to educate ourselves more about it all. As a couple, we're ready to be mom and dad. I'm so ready to be a mom. In a way, it's better to be messed up enough that there are no other options. If I would be a more typical messed up case, we'd probably consider other routes before thinking about adopting. Sam's reading a book titled "What to Expect when she's not Expecting", and the author talks about how he and his wife spent about $250,000 in in vitro treatments ALONE, and never got pregnant. They also tried hormone replacement therapy, surgeries, you name it. Sam even said the lady had a procedure where somehow her cervix was slowly stretched artificially. Nothing worked; they had to resort to surrogacy. So, my lack of eggs and everything else messed up with me keeps us from considering anything else. Adoption it is.

I've said it before: one day I will be better. It will take time though.

Dark.

2011-07-24T09:35:00.000-07:00

Anything that reminds me of my "different state" angers me. Then it depresses me.

A foreword of sorts: this is MY journal. As such, I feel entitled to say exactly what is on my mind. I need it. I need it so badly.

Someone at work just had a baby. Someone I know is pregnant. Back when we first learned of my condition, I cried a lot. I eventually thought, "The worst thing would be if someone I know becomes pregnant soon." Then like magic, it happened.

I'm too damn young to be dealing with this. Inside, I feel a very dark voice crying out. As it cries, a very thick, tar-like substance covers it. It eventually drowns out the voice, and only a large empty hole remains. Haha, I often imagine my mind like Samara from "the Ring". Not menacing Samara though. Dark Samara. "Falling into a freaking abyss" Samara. Freaking helpless.

I pray, a lot. On and off this weekend, I've found myself begging to God to provide me with solace. With comfort. Maybe the dark voice I feel inside is not crying in anger. It's begging to be pulled out of darkness.

Friday was a pretty alright day. Until nighttime. Then all hell broke loose inside. Yesterday my eyes were still evidence of how rough the night got. I eventually went on: at work, I helped set up for today's conference. Then I went to my second photography lesson in downtown Bryan, which after an hour or so helped me forget. It helped me smile again. It was so much fun, actually: two models, two cameras, and wonderfully unique backdrops. I loved feeling free from those awful feelings, and I loved forgetting about the truth of my condition.

We're supposed to have lunch with some of Sam's friends today. I know life goes on. I have to move on.

Obesity and Awful Diets and Rationalization and...

2011-07-08T20:49:00.000-07:00

Yesterday while I was talking to one of my coworkers, another one comes in with a huge piece of chocolate cake; she sits down and interrupts our work-related discussion to say, "Look at what I'm eating. I didn't have time to go get lunch so I had a piece of cake then. I haven't had anything to eat since then but since I have things to do after work and won't be able to get home until after 8pm, I'm having another piece of cake!". She then stares at us with a smile on her face, waiting for a reaction (maybe a "oh it's okay, you poor thing!"). As far as getting a reaction like that from me: FAT chance (no pun intended).

The first thing that came out of my mouth was, "Weren't you on a diet about two months ago?". A diet which mind you, kept her from eating any fruit at all (because the sugar in fruit is BAD for you), and made her starve for hours because she could only have protein shakes and salads. *groan*. So her reply to my question was, "yeah I was on a diet; I lost a little bit of weight then and when I got sick afterwards, I lost 25 more pounds. But I'm gonna gain it all back!". I realize me asking that question sounds pretty mean, but when she was on that diet, she would be absolutely miserable, hungry all the time; whenever I would offer fruit or some crackers, she would say they were all bad for you.

Again, *GROAN*. I just read an article online which stated that the obesity epidemic that's plaguing our country is worsening. Texas was only one of many states which saw the percentage of obese people increase. Approximately 30 PERCENT of all adults in Texas are considered obese. Not overweight, which typically means having a BMI of 25 or more; OBESE. Now, I'm not saying that all obese people have awful diet habits and that's the only reason why they're in the shape they are. I know people who genuinely have a problem they can only try to control through medication. But I do hear too many people blaming genetics for their weight issues, people who I see eating a huge meal loaded with complex carbohydrates and fat at 9:00pm. People who think eating a BANANA is bad for you because it has sugar. YES people, some fruits have a lot of sugar. NATURAL sugars. The difference comes when you eat one banana versus THREE or FOUR. Cliche saying #1: eating in moderation works, people! Eating cake is perfectly okay. Eating TWO pieces of cake, one as a substitute for an entire MEAL, is not okay.

I know some people will say, "well you've got it easy, you're not overweight". But I also have put on weight (10-20 pounds after moving to the US, 15-20 pounds after a year working), and it was dang hard to lose it. I still struggle with weight (I should be about 10 pounds lighter), but I guess sooner or later a "let's do something about this problem" attitude kicks in; I can't stand feeling sorry for myself for a long time. I also cook at home, and try to abstain from a big meal or dessert after 7:00pm or so. And honestly, I want to remain desirable for my husband; I completely agree with cliche saying #2:"He should love you no matter what you look like", but if I can do something about it, I will work to remain attractive for him. I know what it feels like to look in the mirror while naked and feeling depressed. Why perpetuate that feeling?

Does skinny always equal healthy? Absolutely not. Some other coworkers at the office are pencil-thin and eat candy all the flippin' time. They eat junk nonstop and will not gain one ounce of fat. They believe that as long as they work out, they can eat whatever junk they want. Sadly though, this is not the case. Your heart, arteries and blood circulation do get affected; that treadmill won't erase all the damage. These people look AMAZING in their cute little outfits, they could be models. But it makes me a little sad to hear them talking about going to the tanning salon and eating junk, and worrying about their looks. Forget health. LOOKS come first.

*sigh*. I know this is a long rant. It just worries me how the country is fattening itself to oblivion. I don't even want to start listing reasons why this is happening. It's just a sad outlook: people work harder, work longer hours, become consumed with work, spend less time with their families, have less time to cook at home, run around from place to place while stopping at drive-thrus to pick up anything that will help them keep moving. Exercising, taking care of your body becomes last on your list. Work comes first. Then family, then your health. It's such an awful cycle. I admit that it's really hard to get up from the couch once you get home; it's hard to get started exercising. Even doing regular home chores is hard after an entire day's work. But we've got to. For our own sake and for our well-being. Otherwise, we are denying our right to complain about rising healthcare costs; we're denying our right to wonder why more of us are becoming diabetics, why our kids are having more weight-related issues than ever.

Get on the treadmill, America. And for God's sake, eat healthy stuff. We're blessed with an abundance of healthy foods. There's no excuse.

Week Full of Testing

2011-06-23T21:33:00.000-07:00

This week I went in to have my blood drawn once again (they sucked three vials outta me this time), and to get the bone density test done.

I broke down today. I cried like I haven't cried in a very, very long time. Laying on that cold bed, with my legs spread apart just right so the giant machine's arm could capture a more accurate image of my pelvis freaked me out; it made me feel like I had some sort of horrible disease and was fighting to find a cure. The radiologist asked when I'd had my last period and I about lost it; I think she felt bad for asking, once I explained why I was there.

It's so dang hard to not feel broken. Defective. I always felt sad for women who were called "barren", and now I'm pretty much one of them. The worst thing is, I feel so dang guilty for feeling this miserable. Aside from this specific condition, I seem to be in good health. I'm now swimming and that's helping me so, so much; not only physically but emotionally and mentally. I've begun to crave the pool now; it's the one thing I can do which completely clears my mind from everything else going on. Yet, I have days like today where I felt absolutely miserable about this. Why should I technically feel like that? I don't have cancer, or a terminal illness. Yet.. the pain I feel when I think that I probably will not be able to carry a child... NO ONE ELSE except for another woman going through this would understand it. In a way I feel like a small part of me has died; the reproductive part of me. Premature menopause; the name says it right...?

I cried like I hadn't cried in a long time. I cried like a toddler does: furiously, without caring about tears or makeup or running noses. Sam held me.

Only through the grace of God and the Holy Spirit can I get up when I'm down.

Hear me, O Lord... I need the comfort and relief that only He can provide me.

I went SWIMMING!!

2011-06-13T19:38:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I did it! If you asked me if it was fun, I'd say, "I have no idea"... All I was doing was trying to stay afloat and relearning to breathe and swim. But it felt good. :) We went to Academy yesterday and bought a swim "something" (what DO you call what I wear?? See the photo below), goggles and a bada-- swim cap. The cap was just needed because I have colored hair and the chemicals from the pool wouldn't agree with the color in my hair. I probably embarrassed myself times 10 when I repeatedly stopped after HALF A LAP to take a breath (Meghan stop making fun), and I probably looked like a weirdo for wearing a cap (everyone else was just there to have fun, not swim), but I DON'T CARE. It felt very good to feel active like that again :)

And by the way, I'd completely forgotten how many flippin' muscles work when you swim. I'm already SORE. :O I can't wait to go again, and just... become better at swimming, enjoying being in the water, getting healthier.

That's the first "yay" in about a week. :)

Post-News

2011-06-11T13:32:00.000-07:00

It would be a heck of an understatement to say it's been a rough couple of days. After the initial test results came in, the doctor said she wanted to run a few more tests. The high FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) levels have all but confirmed that I indeed have premature ovarian failure (POF) or premature menopause. So the next step is try to figure out WHY. Either this coming week or next, I will go in for more blood tests which will check my thyroid a second time (levels were OK the first time around but a second check is always necessary), and test for Addison's disease and a chromosomal condition. The doctor will also refer us to a reproductive endocrinologist in Temple.

Since this took place, we have informed our families about it. I also let my boss know, since I may need to take time off if even more tests are ordered. Before I decided to tell him, he was also asking when I would be going back to grad school; and honestly ever since the news came in, I have decided I do not want this extra, silly pressure on me. So I was clear with him: don't mention it again, please. I'm very lucky to have an amazing boss; he completely understood.

I'm also trying to stay busy; I'm almost obsessed with projects (well.. have been for a while). So, I'm in the middle of:

a) Editing photos for a girl I went to college with;

b) Designing menus and calendars for the Eagle's Nest;

c) Helping the girl who cuts my hair come up with interior design ideas for her soon-to-open hair salon.

I'm also considering taking up swimming again. A part of me is very scared of keeping any kind of hope that I will become pregnant (especially since, well, the doctor herself said if she were me, she wouldn't count on it happening), but I have found articles which talk about ways to naturally reduce FSH levels so I'm going to try it. I basically need to get back in shape and just become more active, and reduce my caffeine and salt intake. I also cannot ignore the biggest risks I now face because of having POF: bone loss and heart disease. Yipee-ki-yay.

I'm not as miserable as I sound. We have received some amazing supportive reactions from our families, and I have an AMAZING husband who's being very patient with me as I learn to accept this. I also know that those who love us are praying for us, and we can feel the power of these prayers. Whenever I think of it, I have a short talk with God. I ask for peace of mind and heart. I ask for strength. I ask Him to not let me forget that He is here.

This Post Has No Title.

2011-06-07T19:43:00.000-07:00

I really can't think of another way to start this one except than to just talk about it.

Yesterday I started experiencing sharp, shooting pains in my lower right abdominal area; this pain I have only felt a handful of times before, and when I have talked to other women about it I've been told that it's probably ovarian cysts. The first time I had the pain (back in 2007) I didn't have health insurance so I didn't have it checked; the pain can be so strong that I almost have to crouch down while sitting at my desk. This time I decided I'd make an appointment with my ob-gyn; after all, it's obvious that something is not right. I'm glad I finally had the guts to do it.

When I was on the phone to make the appointment, I explained not only the sharp pain but also that I had not had a period for over a year. I said I was concerned because my husband and I have been married for over three years and are beginning to talk about having children. This made the nurse put my appointment as an urgent one, so I was able to have the appointment today. Our NFP practitioner had told us that it was very hard to get a local ob-gyn to do an ultrasound; I knew this statement was at least partially correct, because during my last checkup I mentioned my desire to possibly get an ultrasound done and my ob-gyn said that she didn't think I needed it. This time, the painful episodes I was having made her reconsider: I had an ultrasound done.

Right before she did it, she said she was fairly certain that I had polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). However what she saw actually puzzled her. You see, if a woman doesn't have a period for a long time and she's not pregnant, it means the ovaries have been producing eggs which haven't been fertilized and the body is not getting rid of them or shedding the lining of the uterus (which is necessary). If the lining of the uterus is not being shed, it thickens. In some cases, it can thicken to the point of becoming "toxic", and that's how cervical cancer can develop (remember, cancer basically means "cells gone bad", i.e. mutated). What my ob-gyn saw was a THIN uterine lining. No evidence of thickened walls. This is when I received the news.

My ovaries have basically shut down; they're not working. Not producing eggs. This explained to her why when she prescribed Prometrium (same as Provera, a synthetic version of progesterone) to help me have a period, it did not work.

I can't produce eggs. I currently cannot get pregnant. I have what is called "premature menopause".

So the next step is trying to find a cause. The doctor ordered blood work done. My LH and FSH levels, thyroid, prolactin, and testosterone levels will be checked. Results are due tomorrow. When I read about premature menopause, several websites say that it is not reversible; that other approaches to having a child should be considered: fertility treatments (such as in vitro), having an egg donor, adoption.

The part of me who has longed to become a mom for a while wants to cry, curl up somewhere and dwell on feeling like a loser for not being a "complete woman" to my husband (I don't think anyone EXCEPT those in my shoes can make sense out of that one), and think that we won't ever be able to see what our baby, made from Sam's and my biological makeups, will look like. It hurts quite a bit.

Another part of me somehow accepts it. For the past few months now, while thinking about our possible problems conceiving, I have wondered if Janelle was put in my path for a reason. Because of her, the idea of adopting has become a much less foreign idea to me. This reminds me that God's plans are so beyond our simple understanding. As I drove home today after the appointment, I suddenly found peace within me. I heard myself say, "I am your servant Lord, may it be done to me according to Your will".

So this is a test. My test. I choose to trust in our Lord, and in His will. Does it mean that I will not cry at all? Absolutely not; as I've been writing this my eyes have inevitably watered several times already. But I have to find strength in Him; knowing that He has a plan and a will for every single one of us provides amazing solace to my sad heart.

An Ever-Changing Palette

2011-05-30T13:24:00.000-07:00

So now that Sam's grandparents are coming to visit us next weekend, I have found the perfect excuse to change the paint color in our bathroom. YES I remember I just painted it just last Spring! Back then I made the mistake of not buying a pint sample to test the color (Sherwin Williams' Backdrop), and though I liked it okay during the day, at night it made the bathroom look like a dungeon. I couldn't stand thinking that Sam's grandparents would see this color, so a couple of weeks ago I embarked on a "find a new color" journey. After seeing several samples I decided to go with SW's Notable Hue! (Then changed it five minutes before buying the paint to Meditative. I KNOW.)

Since I don't have much time I decided to be brave/dumb and NOT tape anything up, and instead trust in my ability to paint straight around base and crown moulding. (I KNOW). Not only am I almost done after only a few hours' worth of work, but the color looks BEAUTIFUL!

Score! :)

So long, Backdrop!

Helloooo Meditative :)

I've promised Sam this is the last time I'd change the color in this bathroom, so I'm GLAD it turned out good. Sam has GOT to win the award for most patient husband, ever :O

Rambling...Like Inside my Head

2011-05-24T21:59:00.000-07:00

I figured that if I got accepted by A&M's Department of Architecture, my "gut" reaction would be a good indicator on whether this is something I truly desire to pursue. Well guess what: my reaction was utter shock at first, then... nothing. In the past two weeks since I received the acceptance letter, I have not once thought, "yay I get to do studio again!". So I believe I'm done thinking about becoming an Architect now. About a month and a half ago, I emailed several friends and acquaintances who live in the area offering to photograph their families for free; I have thoroughly enjoyed getting to know my camera and capturing happy family moments. This "on the side" gig has made me feel happy again. At the risk of sounding complacent and lazy, I feel very content working and photographing on the side.

Watched the movie "M" tonight. The movie amazed me in more ways than one:

- I usually consider music to be utterly important in a movie in helping the storyline convey emotions. This movie had absolutely NO music, except for when the title character whistled as he preyed on young children. The movie kept me on the edge of my seat, even during absolutely silent raid scenes.

- The main actor (Peter Lorre). His monologue/confession which makes up the climax of the movie. It almost makes you empathize with a sexual predator's tormented soul.

- The camera work was quite revolutionary for its time (filmed in 1931). Reminded me slightly of "Citizen Kane" due to its approach to filming action scenes, character monologues, etc.

Watch it! You'll thank me later. (I miss Monk.)

I get to see the girls this weekend! Meghan, Chau, Nicole, Stephanie. :)

P.S.: The title of this entry reminded me of the book "Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti" by Bill Farrell. I Googled "spaghetti brain" and the first picture was golden. :)

Our Equation: Us = Silly!

2011-03-05T18:39:00.000-08:00

On a Saturday night, making some coffee and about to watch "The A-Team" together :)

How Dare I

2011-02-28T20:21:00.000-08:00

I woke up this morning having a wonderful realization about my attitude lately. It relates to my deep desire to become a mom.

When I hear about someone who complains about how miserable their life is while not doing anything to change their reality, it frustrates me. Why would you have any right to complain if you're not making any valid efforts to get out of said situation?

So this morning I wake up thinking, "You know you've been needing to get things done". Things related to my possibly needing surgery to figure out why I have not had my period for so long. Yet every once in a while I tell Sam things like, "'..'cause you know, I probably can't have a baby.." and "nothing has changed... I'm probably barren.." What is Sam supposed to say to that?

How dare I not accept God's perfect plan and will. I'm not sure if I'll be able to have kids, but there is a way for us to find out and that's by having the exploratory surgery. Yet I have not done anything to keep the process moving forward. How dare I complain about my life. Somehow I feel that God has planned for us to be parents one way or another. Maybe we will need to adopt. And that would be PERFECT because it would be His divine plan.

Regardless of what happens.. everything that happens in our lives is according to His plan, and if I truly trusted in Him I would not complain. He tells us to leave all anxiety behind and trust in Him, above all.

This is my plan now.

Conroe No. 4 Grand Opening! and... Architect Barbie?!

2011-02-26T22:16:00.000-08:00

So I was happily on my way to start writing up a new entry about how great the grand opening of my second fire station was, and I saw a fellow architect's blog mentioning an Architect Barbie. In an apparent effort to teach little girls about what they can be when they grow up, Mattel has begun an "I can be.." Barbie series and this is what Architect Barbie looks like:

First of all, KUDDOS on the great hot pink tube, Mattel! Can't wait to go to my next jobsite visit toting this puppy around. And look at that skirt! If I dress like that I'm sure I'll get Mr. Contractor to do anything I want. Oh what a happy and pretty and pink life, that of a lady Architect!

Anyway, back to business. Today was the grand opening of the City of Conroe Fire Station No. 4; this was my first full-fledged project which I saw from Programming all the way to Construction. It was so exciting! Kind of strange to see rooms and equipment you spent months designing and drawing be "real" all of a sudden. The station has some nice features and the Client couldn't be happier with their new building. That made me feel really good :) This year marks a centennial celebration for the fire department so they went all out for this grand opening:

two nice cakes (this one was based off our SketchUp rendering)...

colorful balloons...

... and even one of the original fire trucks for the City! Which was later used, along with a new fire truck, to do the ribbon-cutting. Pretty cool :)

The best part was seeing the fire station inside and out, seeing how the firefighters decorated the place and how proud they are to show it off. I absolutely love working on a design, getting to see it turn into reality and learn from the process so I can improve on the next design. It was a good day :)

The day room (very nicely decorated!):

One of the main corridors, which features stained concrete floors:

The tower:

The apparatus bay:

From the parking area (it was a cloudy day but thankfully it didn't rain):

Yay Conroe! :) For more photos of the station taken by a professional photographer, go here: http://www.glyonphotography.com/CONROEFD/

Made by me!

2011-02-12T14:46:00.000-08:00

I started off the new year wanting to make things again. When I was a teenager, I remember making a lot of things that I needed because I couldn't afford to actually buy anything new: a box for filing paperwork, a set of small drawers for desk tools, etc. I only needed a cardboard box, glue, scissors, and a little creativity.

I've done it again! :)

Since I'm not the best at going through mail and/or getting rid of little pieces of paper here and there, I decided we needed a mail box in our kitchen. Sooo I started thinking:

Cardboard box: Check...

Glue: Check...

Scissors: Check...

But what would I use for the outer lining of this box? I suddenly remembered that a few months ago I snatched a discarded binder full of laminate samples from the office, and sooo the process began!

Outer lining: laminate samples

Inner lining: plastic dividers from an old planner

Front tag: leftover basswood

It works! No more paper clutter on our counters!

Excited

2010-12-29T19:17:00.000-08:00

YAY!!! :)

Rooting for the Other

2010-12-28T21:03:00.000-08:00

Hang on to your seats. It's a double-feature night!

Natalie Portman's in a new movie titled, "The Other Woman". The trailer depicts her character as a sweet ingenue who falls for and sleeps with a married guy. Awwww look at that! In the blink of an eye she gets the guy divorced, gets pregnant and married!! And double-aww! She works soooo hard to earn his son's affection. Life's awesome!

Wow. I think I have an issue with that. Then again it's Hollywood. *shrug*

American Idol Greats

2010-12-28T20:30:00.000-08:00

Random alert.........

I was just going through an entertainment website's "Top American Idol performances", and out of 20 these were the ones that I had to look up to watch, just because they're so memorable:

- Allison Iraheta's "Cry Baby" (Exit performance)

Yes, she botched a note or two on this one; this was, however, her exit performance and she was literally singing through tears. Her passion on every word, every syllable is palpable. If only she would've sang this way the night before:

- Kris Allen's "Heartless"

This guy was in trouble before this performance; the judges hammered on the idea of a Danny Gokey/Adam Lambert showdown, but no amount of persuasion was able to take him out of the competition (or the AI victory, ultimately). The arrangement was fearless and so much more attractive than the original. Above all, it just takes guts to rearrange and perform a song that had been sung not long before on the same stage, by Kanye:

Kris Allen - Heartless (American Idol 8) [HQ] en Yahoo! Video

- Kelly Clarkson's "Stuff like That There"

It's amazing to me that this girl was a nobody when she sang this; to this day she's my favorite AI winner not only because of her talent, but her charisma as well. This was Big Band week and let's face it: there have been very very few performers on this show who have been able to pull it off on similarly-themed weeks. Kelly not only pulled it off, she freakin' nailed it:

No Sweeter Sound

2010-12-19T21:34:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite sounds ever is hearing Sam sing Christian hymns at church. He was musically trained as a little boy so he hits the notes just right; his voice is very deep yet has a softness that I can't explain... above all, there is an amazing passion when he sings. Amazing music to my ears, amazing love for our Creator... it brings tears to my eyes every now and then. Tonight once again, I thanked God for the man He put in my path.

Finally Feeling the Christmas Spirit!

2010-12-17T23:54:00.000-08:00

As I adopt more responsibilities and write increasingly long to-do lists in life, it seems like every year it takes me a little longer to get into the Christmas spirit. Which makes me a little sad. This year though, I'm just happy that I'm finally feeling it. And it's amazing! :)

In light of so many holiday photo cards we have received from friends and family, I decided to experiment a little and come up with a couple of designs for cards of our own. Granted, we don't have too many peeps to send them to but it's just a fun Photoshop project and well... let's face it, I LOVE Photoshop. :)

So here they are! I think we'll end up printing the one with our photo on it because it seems more personal. Yes I know: they all look like generic store-ordered cards. I'm still proud of them, especially because that picture of us with Mr. Snowman is actually a merge of TWO photos! It was only the two of us out in the snow so we took pictures of each other. Ahhhh I love having the time to create :)

In case I don't post before then, MERRY CHRISTMAS! :D

Surprising Developments?

2010-11-12T11:58:00.000-08:00

So after pounding my head over the decision to continue with grad school applications or not (as if whatever happens is up to ME, duh), Sam and I sat together one night and talked about every possible route we could take; we wrote a good ol' "pros and cons" list for each option and surprise! Once we were done the decision was staring at us, all full of lead and clear as crystal, from the piece of paper. We finally decided that grad school should not be in our minds for 2011, since we're not where we need to be financially speaking (there were other reasons behind the decision but if I started talking about them all, I'd end up writing the equivalent of a 20-page paper, single-spaced). It was hard to imagine where I'd want to be professionally in 5, 10 years, but after giving it some thought I realized that I wouldn't mind being a licensed architect once our kiddos are old enough to be in school. So ever since then, I've moved forward with GRE and portfolio prep; if I get accepted to start on the Fall of 2011, I'll defer for one year and continue working full-time until I do go back.

Took the dreaded GRE today... I got a better score than I thought! To be honest I didn't know if I'd even pass given the questions I saw on practice tests. But I did, and I think the score is good enough to be a serious candidate for the M.Arch program. Now I need to work on my portfolio; I've got a couple of months to make it as good as I can make it. And I have to say...

...I'll take working on portfolio over taking the GRE any day!!!

Whoop for no more GRE! :D

Slowly Pulling Toward a Better Life

2010-10-26T19:48:00.000-07:00

Just working on my portfolio and grad school application papers is driving me crazy. I don't have time to clean the house, or take care of my yard, or have much fun with Sam. I don't care what people say, if I don't take care of my husband and my house I feel miserable. I know that some people thrive under pressure, but I'm not one of them. I love admiring architecture and working at an architecture firm, but I don't have a thirst for architectural design.

I have a thirst for being a dang good wife. And having children. And raising a good, God-loving family. I feel strongly passionate about this. Why does society look down on this? Because I don't want to earn more money I should be termed a lazy person? Taking care of our own kids and making time for LIVING, yeah that IS lazy. When was this notion established? We still have debt from undergrad, and here we are considering incurring more debt. And what will I get out of the degree? A raise in pay yes, but from what I hear not a great one. And extra hours at the office. Weekends. Stress. Abandonment of house-related work. And less time with my husband. *whispers* oh guess what: the divorce rate in the architecture field is super high. Let's go for it yea!! *sigh*. I want to have a job that does not become my life. I have better and more important things to do.

A few weeks ago, the priest during Mass was talking about how we (i.e. a lot of college students) are so eager to go to grad school and become more knowledgeable in a certain field, yet so few of us want to pursue a deeper knowledge of the Bible. This has stayed in me since then. I become terrified at the thought of having to face God and tell Him, "yeah I didn't have time for you or Your Word. I was too busy architecting".

As I write this I'm getting to realize that I've made up my mind about Architecture: it's not for me. Not yet, at least. Maybe in a few years. Family comes first, that's what Mimi and Papito taught me. Well, riiight after God. I'm setting the priorities straight. Sam and I have been talking about possibilities and what me not going to grad school could possibly mean; we've contemplated a number of situations including myself working part-time eventually. This sounds SO appealing. It'll sound like heaven when we have kids, I'm sure. I saw too many moms at the daycare miss their babies' "firsts" because they were working and their babies were with us. I refuse to let that happen.

So... no more GRE. No more portfolio. WEEEEEE! Who CARES what "profligate" means anyway?? (Not me.)

I'll let this simmer for a few nights, but I think I'm pretty much done thinking about this. In the meantime, enjoy this hysterical video a coworker shared with me (it's got some bad words but it's fuuunny if you can get past that):

http://www.xtranormal.com/watch/7429337/?ref=nf

And Now for Something Completely Different

2010-10-10T16:01:00.000-07:00

I'm honestly AMAZED at what this pretty girl can accomplish with just makeup and a wig; at the end of the video she's virtually a carbon copy of Jared Leto. The music works so well with the transformation; it's just so well done:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/10/10/jared-leto-makeup-girl-video_n_757251.html

I think some people would be surprised to know the kinds of things that I like. This is one of those, I think; I'm not into the whole makeup thing, but if I'm in the right mood I'm all for a dark atmosphere, music, mood.

Enjoy!

Master Doodles

2010-09-19T20:33:00.000-07:00

To say that thinking about grad school has been troubling is a heck of an understatement.

See what I mean?

The truth is, I worry about putting myself through it again. I worry about neglecting Sam and my responsibilities as a wife to work on projects. Lord knows, once I put my mind to something it HAS to come out right. More than anything, I worry that life will for two years become one mindless all-nighter after another, where nothing else happens in my life except for what gets or doesn't get done. I worry that I will neglect my relationship with God. What if I happen to die in the midst of all that? What would I be able to tell God I did with my life and with the gifts he blessed me with?

Tonight we prayed about this. We pray that God will leads us toward the path that He wants us to follow.. whether we take the path slowly or at a frenetic pace, only He knows. The ONE thing I feel truly, madly, deeply passionate about is starting a family with Sam, being a good wife to him. If God decides to bless us with this event, this would be the biggest trump card of all, as far as grad school goes. It would take me years to get the degree, but I probably wouldn't care because we'd be parents.

I just need to stop worrying.

Rest in Peace

2010-09-11T20:51:00.000-07:00

I just found out in a weird sort of way that a girl I went to high school and graduated with in Venezuela is dead. To say that I'm shaken up is a heck of an understatement.

I didn't know her very well; she was part of the "cool crowd" and I wasn't. She was one of the pretty girls who could at times be nice and joke around with us, but most of the time it seemed like her bubble was just too little to let anyone who wasn't popular (or rich) in. Our graduating class was made of less then 65 people though; so everybody knew everybody, popular or not. We used to make fun of her last name (it was Salvisberg).

According to news reports from two years ago, she was attending a private university in Mexico, and during her free time she was a female escort for rich men. She was addicted to cocaine. She met with a few friends at a large get-together; then disappeared. Two months later, her body was found in a remote area in Mexico. She'd been tortured and strangled.

An old friend of hers wrote in this online forum and defended her, saying that those who knew her didn't believe any of the things reported on the news because she wasn't like that. I didn't know her well enough, but I feel such a big urge to pray for her. And for her family.

Rest in Peace, Maria Jose.

Gettin' it Done

2010-08-01T12:58:00.000-07:00

** Baby bird update: the baby bird that we put back in the nest a few weeks ago survived!! All of the babies have learned how to fly and are long gone now actually. Woohoo! :D **

This past Friday I decided to go to Texas A&M and photograph it, since I'd been wanting to do this for over two years now (!). It was amazing to be back on campus! I spent about three hours walking all over, from the Pavilion to SBISA to the clock tower, right by the MSC all the way back to where I started. I can't believe I waited this long to do this; after a couple of hours walking it was hot and humid, but so worth it :)

So I'm taking a cue from Nathan and making a list of things I (a) need to finish, and (b) have been wanting to do for a long time. The list of things to finish doesn't sound so fun, but I'm particularly bad at starting projects and getting bored, so I don't finish. The problem is not only the inability to garner interest in finishing, but also having new ideas sprout in my head. And just like the butterfly metamorphosis we learned about in grade school, my vicious cycle goes on and on.

Some of my favorite shots from Friday's Aggieland fun:

I Still Hate Fire Ants

2010-07-13T19:37:00.000-07:00

It got worse today. Sheesh. I took Benadryl last night, and today I put some Benadryl spray AND Neosporin, and it still looks so bad.. the redness actually spread.

I Hate Fire Ants

2010-07-12T20:59:00.001-07:00

About two inches in diameter and raised about 1/3 of an inch. Fire ants stink. Enough said.

Trust

2010-07-09T21:14:00.000-07:00

During the past couple of years, I have come to realize that two of my biggest shortcomings are 1) I'm way too impatient, and 2) I often say things I should not say out loud (as I mentioned in my previous entry). I've been thinking that God is giving me an amazing opportunity to develop my patience.

I never thought it would be as cliche as it's depicted in movies and TV, but when the "I want to be a mom" bug hits a woman, it is ON. It's been in me for about a year now; that's why Sam and I got off the contraceptive pill and began using Natural Family Planning, to get my body off synthetic hormones and eventually begin the family process. Through the use of the Creighton model's charts and an evaluation of my family history, we have learned that I may have some problems. Nothing has been diagnosed, but there is a chance that I may either have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) or Endometriosis. I need to get some testing and procedures done to be officially diagnosed and hopefully treated successfully. I have been very much dreading all of this. Sometimes I have even thought, "why not try to have a baby first and see what happens?". I've been willing to do this, even though there is a somewhat extensive history of miscarriages in my family.

Today when I came home I found a baby bird dead right in front of our door. Another baby was lying on the concrete, barely moving. We have a nest very close to our front door; the mom and dad birds had babies about a week ago. We think that maybe the runt died and the parents tried to get the body off the nest, and in the process the second baby fell off. We were able to get the alive baby back in the nest; hopefully the parents will nurse it back to health.

It sounds so silly, but I was so affected by the scene I saw when I first got home. We'd seen the parent birds work hard on the nest and have another brood previously, even got to see them teach the first set of babies how to fly. When we noticed that mom and dad were about to have a second brood we actually got excited: we've become attached to this little bird family.

Seeing the dead baby bird made me really sad. All of a sudden I thought, "if I'm getting so sad by the death of a baby bird, what would it be like if I was pregnant, and I lost the baby?". I have absolutely no idea what that would be like; it scares me to think that it could happen. So I'm opening myself up to the idea of those procedures... and testing. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if the scenario above happened. I have talked about it with my aunt Ana from Mexico (who's a doctor), and she said the procedures sound like a good idea. This means waiting possibly up to a year before we can try to have a baby. It's so painful to think about this..! We've been married for two and a half wonderful years, and the eagerness to become a mom has been so powerful for a while now.

But... God guides our every step, and HE has us exactly where we need to be. His Plan is way above and beyond our understanding, and trust is just about all we need to feel peace. This is what I'm praying for now: trust and peace in us.

Amazing Fourth

2010-07-05T17:06:00.001-07:00

This past weekend has been amazing. We got to spend some quality time with Sam's sister Amanda, her boyfriend Tim and his family, and Sam's parents; and got to learn a bit about hockey. I have to admit it was funner than I'd expected it to be, and it doesn't hurt that Tim's good at hockey, too..! Then last night we drove a couple of minutes to a nearby parking lot to watch fireworks and went to bed late watching a TV show.

We're now gearing up for Sam's Birthday and it's all very exciting. Today was a particularly calm day; I decided to spoil him some and try out a new kind of chicken (Baked Parmesan Chicken, which was AMAZING), then baked some brownies for him in the afternoon and tonight I'll be baking his all-time favorite cake: butterscotch cake with butterscotch frosting :D The living room painting is almost done so it feels quite homey here! Somehow the dark color (Sherwin Williams' Aurora Brown, SW2837) manages to still welcome and work well with natural sunlight coming in through the windows; it's AWESOME to spend a lazy day here :)

We are so very blessed, so very fortunate to have what we have but above all, to have each other.

(Peace = God) > Casting the First Stone

2010-07-02T09:30:00.000-07:00

A few nights ago I dreamed that he let me talk to the girls again. Ever since the whole thing happened, the entire set of events that began unfolding during our trip to Venezuela keeps coming back to me. And it makes me cry every once in a while because as a family we all have failed. For some reason I suddenly thought, "Jesus died on the cross to save us, to give us eternal life. And this is how we repay him: by having egos too big to forgive and move on." Jesus lowered himself to the lowest level possible in front of sinners' eyes, yet humankind goes on in its merry way ignoring our Savior's sacrifice.

Right after the whole argument happened, I spent a good bit of time wondering how anyone could become so enraged and banish family from contacting each other, for no valid reason. After a few days, several seemingly unrelated events made me realize that one of my biggest flaws is speaking impulsively without thinking things through. Now, I'm not one to sit down and take it from someone who's being unfair: I just don't like being a pushover. But I also tend to let my emotions drive too many things out of my mind, when they should stay in. Like Mimi always says, "the best word is the one that's left unsaid". You may not agree with the way someone else is doing something, but every once in a while it's best to keep your opinions to yourself.

After tortuously dissecting what led to this family fallout, I became to realize that my inability to leave an argument at the right time led this mess to happen. A part of me still firmly believes that I was right in telling him off. After all, he was insulting my mother. But I should've left it at, "please don't include me in this mess, I'm not a part of it". I shouldn't have written that email.

I'm now praying that God help me be an instrument of peace. My tongue can be a fierce ally, and sometimes an unwitting foe. This is not what God wants of me. I also pray for him. We are no different from each other: we're both sinners and should not be so willing and eager to throw the first rock at the other.

In her last blog post Amanda mentioned being grateful to God for giving her trials that in the process make her closer to Him; this is exactly what I've been thinking, too. I'd rather live a life full of difficult trials which draw me closer to our Father, than an easy life where everything's handed off to me.

I love this song, "Make Me a Channel of Your Peace":

Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there is hatred let me bring your love.
Where there is injury, your pardon, Lord
And where there's doubt, true faith in you.

Chorus:
Oh, Master grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul.

Make me a channel of your peace
Where there's despair in life, let me bring hope
Where there is darkness, only light
And where there's sadness, ever joy.

Chorus

Make me a channel of your peace
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned
In giving to all men that we receive
And in dying that we're born to eternal
life.

Chorus

Hey! Those are MY roses!

2010-05-18T17:15:00.000-07:00

I think I've mentioned before that I've taken a liking for our knockout roses lately, because they're low-maintenance, grow like crazy and are pretty hardy. Considering everything I've been going through to get rid of the mealy bugs on my other plants, I've come to REALLY appreciate the knockout roses, especially when they're in full bloom!

WELL..! This afternoon after I came back from work, Sam and I went to our little side garden, only to see... that one of my knockout rose bushes had every single leaf full of little holes! We got closer to take a careful look, and saw these awful-looking and -moving bugs:

See the knockout rose bush cemetery on the second image??? The madness!!

Sam did a little research and found out they're some kind of caterpillars, some very hungry caterpillars (and as you can see in the pic, NOT as cute as the star of the "Very Hungry Caterpillar" book by Mr. Eric Carle). Gah! So we had to start cutting all the bushes and spray pesticide to kill these things.

Mimi told me not long ago that there's an old saying (I guess in Venezuela, not sure) that goes, "Plants and gardens can kill you", because in order to keep up a garden looking pretty, you have to do the work and keep a constant eye on them to prevent disease from spreading. SO true! But worth it.. :)

P.S.: Mimi loves plants and still has a lot in her terraces, so she's fully aware of how much work it takes to keep plants looking pretty and healthy :)

Maracaibo, Mi Tierra

2010-05-16T09:18:00.000-07:00

Last night we got back from Venezuela; we spent a little over a week in my hometown Maracaibo and I must say, I feel renewed! I feel just a little more alive :) I needed to be back so badly. I'm sure it sounds silly, but I was feeling like I was losing my identity a little, I was thirsty for the unforgiving heat, the sounds of the car horns as the drivers made their way through the city, the hustle and bustle, the people. There is so much passion in Maracaibo. I absolutely loved every minute of it :)

Thankfully Sam enjoyed it quite a bit as well; he got to try nearly every type of traditional foods we have, and also got to visit the majority of our landmarks we "Maracuchos" are so proud of. I was a little afraid because he would surely stand out quite a bit, what with his red hair and white skin. And we were in a 3+ million-people city after all, so you've got to be careful and watch your surroundings at all times. But we really never felt threatened by anything, we actually got to enjoy every sighting 100 percent :) Mi Maracaibo, mi gente!

Most of all, I deeply enjoyed spending time with Mimi and Papito. The first night in their apartment was just a little sad though: their home is full of photos of Diana everywhere; I could genuinely feel Mimi's sadness and loneliness all around. There are also a lot more photos and small statues of Mary, Jesus and saints than I remembered. It was just another piece of evidence of how much Mimi has had to hold on to her faith to make it through life without Diana.

Mimi was so wonderful; that first night, she was so eager to show us the "honeymoon suite", as she called the room she had diligently worked on making nice for us. Prior to our arrival, she'd changed the sheets of the beds, washed the curtains, dusted the furniture, and had the carpet professionally cleaned. I truly feel her and Papito's spirits were lifted with our visit. I'm committed to go back and visit soon; nothing compares to making them happy. Their love, there's nothing like it...

Papito one day told us, "Let me do that for you; I feel bad that you're doing it because we should be treating you like kings, you're the guests!" He'd bought a bunch of ice cream cakes and other goodies so we'd get to try them all; he also showed up several mornings with empanadas and tequenos (he loves to spoil his kids ;) ) I can't help but tear up when I think of how happy our visit made them. It hurts that they're so far away. It makes me feel better that Sam enjoyed the visit so much, that he's told me he'd be more than happy to go back either for Christmas or early next year to be with them again. My husband's so wonderful! :)

This vacation was absolutely amazing; I'm truly grateful to Mimi and Papito for making us feel like we were at home. Thank GOODNESS for Vonage: now that we've been there and shared so much with them, I know I'll feel like listening to their voices a lot more often than before :)

(Oh yeah.. Translation for the title: Maracaibo, My Land :) )

Spring

2010-04-29T21:21:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks have been particularly rough. Before we leave on our wonderful trip, I need to get a lot done at work and our fire station projects.

Tonight I left work around 7:00pm and went to 3-4 stores to buy a few things for my grandparents. I ended up getting home at almost 9:00pm, dead tired and hungry. Sam had started fixing dinner (he's been doing it quite often lately, actually. And he's GOOD at it too!), and with a smile was quick to tell me, "you should check your camera's memory card in your computer".

He happened to go outside while these 4 little guys were in our yard, so he took a few photos. It made me smile :) I love spring!!

Feels like Forever

2010-04-28T21:04:00.001-07:00

I can't believe I haven't blogged in over a month. What can I say, it's been a rollercoaster month..!

I read in the news today that Sandra Bullock filed for divorce. I cannot say that I was surprised given her husband's extracurricular activities that the media has been so happy to report on lately... but it does make me sad. Call me a sap, but every time I hear that a marriage ends it makes me a little sad. It doesn't matter if I know the couple or not. How can all those beautiful and hopeful feelings you have when you get married, that excitement about the beginning of life as husband and wife, ever leave you?? I just don't get it. The easy answer is, "people change". And yes, of course people change. I just... cannot understand why those sacred vows that one says when getting married, in front of GOD, become any less important for some people. Sam's my first family; no one on this Earth comes before him. And I absolutely love dedicating my life to making him happy.

When Sam first started working for the company he currently works for, he had to travel quite a bit. I think the longest he's ever been gone is four days, and I about lost my mind. Not that I depend on him so much that I cannot function properly when he's not around... it's just that, the bed is empty so I can't snuggle with him. And there's no one to talk to when I get home. He's not there to randomly visit when he's playing video games, and he's not there to make silly sounds and faces at me... it's no fun!!

I consider distance dangerous in a marriage. I have relatives who on a regular basis travel away from their families for up to a week or two for work reasons, and I pray that we never have to do that. I just think that the distance slowly eats away at that intimate connection between husband and wife; you become used to not being around your spouse, so the seemingly insignificant things between the two can potentially disappear. I know this doesn't happen to all married couples, I just don't like to be away from Sam for too long. When we're apart I miss his embrace, I miss his smile, I miss his funny and corny jokes.

Supposedly Sandra's husband cheated on her while she was away filming "The Blind Side". In this case it doesn't seem that staying together would've made a difference as far as the cheating goes... *sigh*. I guess all I can do is pray for them, and for all married couples too. Marriage is no piece of cake, that's for sure. It's also a beautiful blessing, an incredible way to learn about patience and selflessness. He's the best gift that God has given me.

Plans Schzmans

2010-03-26T22:50:00.000-07:00

I absolutely LOVE the chorus to Switchfoot's "Your Love is a Song":

"Your love is a symphony

All around me
Running through me
Your love is a melody
Underneath me
Running to me

Oh, your love is a song"

Our plans have indeed changed. It was an exceptionally stressful day full of multiple trips in Houston, the city we cringe at the mere thought of getting near it. Thankfully we survived it all.

Yes, our plans changed. It must be God's will. Somehow there's peace of mind now, I'm smiling.

Your Love is indeed a Song. Thank You Lord.

Nothing Better than Faith

2010-03-25T16:03:00.000-07:00

That's pretty much my thought right now. I'm sitting here thinking about possible changes of plans because of variables we don't have control of; and two things are keeping me pretty relaxed despite what's going on: my loving hubby Sam, and my trust in God. I keep thinking that whatever happens, it's all a part of God's plan, so we need to trust in Him.

What a wonderful feeling!

Enjoying the Little Things

2010-03-21T19:28:00.000-07:00

This weekend we went to Palacios to spend some time with Sam's grandparents. It was such a humbling reminder of simpler times and above all, beautiful love. Putting the brakes on life every once in a while can be so therapeutic! We loved hearing Grandpa tell us stories from when he was young, and when he and Grandma were a young couple and had virtually nothing. Kinda made us realize that we've had it pretty easy in life..! We know they enjoyed having us over, too. Grandma was so excited: she had a great big lunch ready for us when we first got in, and had thoroughly planned every meal we had after that to make sure everything was perfect.

Before going to Palacios we finally mulched our front yard, woohoo! Everything outside is starting to bloom, I'm very excited :)

Even though taking care of knock-out roses is NOT my favorite thing to do, the roses really ARE pretty!

My hands did suffer a bit... great times though :)

Today's ideal Sunday

2010-03-07T11:52:00.000-08:00

Cannot get any better than listening to Mr. John Coltrane while getting the living room ready for painting, with all the blinds open to let the cloudy-day sunlight in :) It's a rare calm day, and it's perfect! (Don't know that Sam would say the same since he's working on taxes..) Funny enough, a part of me can't wait to continue watching "Quarantine" later this afternoon. Oh yeah, it's a GREAT day :)

Diana

2010-02-23T19:58:00.000-08:00

Last night my aunt Ana and I spoke for a long time about my aunt Diana. I’ve been thinking of her a lot since then. Been writing this on and off since last night; not sure how to define it because I don’t know the rules for poems or songs and I’m sure this doesn’t follow any particular rhythm. It feels right, though.

Maybe God decided she needed to rest.
Maybe she had fulfilled her purpose here.
All I know is that her memory lives on
And inspires us all to be better.

To be more kind, to show our love,
To work hard, to smile no matter what.
Her kindness still lives with us,
God, help us not forget.

Thank you for this angel you sent,
We were the chosen ones to witness:

The passion in her heart,
The strength of her will.
Right up until the end,
Diana's love knew no limits.

Now, nearly four years since she left,
Dear God, we pray that we never forget.

The passion in her heart,
The strength of her will.
God, in your infinite Glory I pray
Watch over her daughters,
Help them feel their mother’s love.

Even though we miss her so,
You must’ve needed her with you.
Forever and for always, God,
Thy Will be done.

Thank you, for this angel you sent.
Thank you, for letting her rest.

She was so beautiful. I particularly love this picture of her. She didn’t even have to do much to look this way; this picture is unposed, she's not aware the camera's there and yet she is gorgeous. I miss her... sometimes so much that it becomes just a little hard to breathe...

Unleashing his passion

2010-02-19T20:28:00.000-08:00

Sam once received a note from his maternal grandmother—who passed away little over three years ago—which among other things said, “You and Andrea read the Bible together.” This phrase stayed with me ever since, and I’ve been longing for us to do just that. But oh, so many worldly distractions! We’ve been married for over two years and haven’t quite made a habit out of reading the Bible together.

Tonight was our second night this week dedicating some time to read and discuss Bible passages. I find it hilarious that I sometimes complain that Sam doesn’t tell me much about his day; in fact, over the years I’ve had to come up with reporter-like probing questions to get him to tell me a little more about his daily work.

(Brief pause for some fun Photoshop work...)

However, a very curious thing has happened during these two nights: the second we read a passage, he cannot wait to talk about his thoughts on it! And as he explains the background of the passage I see this amazing passion in his eyes. I almost got a little teary-eyed listening to my husband explain the Word of God.

I am so very blessed. Sam will make an excellent father, and I cannot wait to see him teach our children about God’s love for us.

Lent and the Beauty of Sacrifice

2010-02-18T21:14:00.000-08:00

One of the many things I have come to truly appreciate about my relationship with Sam is that since he was raised Baptist and I grew up Catholic, we often talk about the beliefs, traditions, views, etc. we were taught while growing up that make us “different” from one another. Many times we end up picking up the Bible or doing a little Internet research on the meaning of a certain festivity or tradition, and try to understand it as much as possible. Ironically enough, I have come to understand the Catholic faith more because of these talks. You see, Sam is the kind of person who wants to understand the “how” and “why” of things, and I’m embarrassed to admit that sometimes when he’s asked me why Catholics follow certain traditions, I don’t know what to say. Unfortunately this is the case for many Catholics around the world: initial meanings and intentions are with time forgotten, and eventually traditions become chores. With Sam I’m getting to understand, little by little, what it means to love God. The point of our conversations is, of course, to be able to find unity in our beliefs so we can ultimately provide our children a unified view of what it is like to live with God and for God, regardless of religion.

Yesterday marked the beginning of the Lent season, so naturally the topic of Lent, repentance and sacrifice came up. We talked about how a sacrifice or “giving something up for Lent” can easily become something automatic, almost robotic, that Catholics do every year for the sake of getting’ it done, do good and move on. In reality, sacrifice has the potential to mean so much more..!

Yesterday’s reading, Joel 2:12-13, explains the origins of this tradition:

"Yet even now," says the LORD, "return to me with all your heart, with fasting, with weeping, and with mourning; and rend your hearts and not your garments." Return to the LORD, your God, for he is gracious and merciful, slow to anger, and abounding in steadfast love, and repents of evil.”

I’m coming to understand that sacrifice means not only stripping yourself from material commodities; it doesn’t only mean giving up something you like to eat, or not doing something you like to do for 40 days. Sacrifice means finding oneself humbled by our weakness as human beings. When we realize how attached we have become to earthly things, we realize how much we need God right beside us, because only He can keep us from being seduced by distractions that will prove utterly insignificant when our time here on Earth ends. The detachment from a material life has the potential to lead us to a deeper spiritual life… if a sacrifice is done with the right intentions in mind.

One of my many vices? The Internet. I seriously doubt that God will care, at all, when I try to explain that “I’m sorry I didn’t care to read Your Word. I was too busy Facebooking. And watching American Idol. Oh and watching Lady Gaga’s latest performance.” Hmmm. There’s something seriously wrong with this picture. Sometimes it hurts so badly to think that because of all these distractions, we have turned our backs to our Creator the way we have, for so long. Imagine a married couple who are expecting a baby. They are excited and cannot wait to see the fruit of their love; the baby is born, and the parents bestow their love and wisdom on their beautiful son. They watch him grow into a toddler, a pre-teen, a teenager... and at some point the son tells his parents: “I will forget about you now. It doesn’t matter that you gave me life. I want to do with my life anything I want. I will forget about your advice, and I will forget about the love that you gave me.”

And then we wonder why our quality of life is so poor. We wonder why our children are having sex and killing before they enter into their teenage years. We wonder why there are people who are willing to kill their unborn child. We wonder why as a society we are so miserable.

But hold it! Above all, THE most amazing thing about God is that He DOES NOT give up on us. He is always waiting. There are no limits to His mercy; He always waits for us to return to Him. And in this, I find solace and joy. This is the best reason I can think of for the Lent season. I once thought that God could never forgive me for my sins; I found it hard to live with myself knowing I’d failed Him so badly. Then He sent Sam in my direction, and I came to understand that God’s grace knows no limits. All it takes is a WILL and a DESIRE to be SAVED.

Learning about Patience through Gardening

2010-02-14T15:37:00.000-08:00

Just got done pruning our plants outside, pulling weeds and spraying RoundUp all over our patio. Man! I'm VERY glad that our introduction to gardening and lawn care consists of our tiny little yard; this is tough work! The pressure has been on, especially because the previous owner owns a landscaping company so needless to say the yard was impeccable when we first moved in.

See what I mean?

Now that the experienced lawn care crew has been replaced by a completely clueless (but eager and hopeful) gardening foreigner, the lawn's not looking nearly as pretty as it used to :O Add to this the effect that winter's freezing temps have on plants, and you've got one sad gardening newbie!

But... I feel like I'm fighting the good fight. I'm keeping an eye on my plants a little more often to avoid evil diseases from making a killing (thanks a LOT, powdery mildew!), and I'm learning more about pruning, weeding, mulching (is this a word?), and just taking care of the plants a little more. When it comes to gardening, I'm getting to learn that at times you may not see visible results for a while, but you've got to keep at it. Of course, no fight would be complete without a trusted ally: Sam! He just helped me fight against the powerful wind out there and bag all the pruned plant remnants. And this is one of my very favorite perks of all this work: we get to work together to keep our little house looking they way it should. :)

Blog Changes A Comin'

2010-02-14T10:23:00.000-08:00

It's a little embarrassing to realize that I'm behind when it comes to designing blog layouts and being aware of the plethora of free Blogger backgrounds out there. So... I'm gonna try a few to see if I like 'em or not. So far I like this one okay, though I kinda miss the white letters against dark background.

The madness has (possibly) begun. You've been warned.

Happy Valentine's Day :)

2010-02-14T08:25:00.000-08:00

We celebrated Valentine's Day for the first time in years..! Well, more than anything we celebrated the 6th Anniversary of our first date, and the 3rd Anniversary of our engagement. It was sooo great! It started off Friday, when Sam had flowers delivered to the office: a perfect-size arrangement of red roses and carnations! Beautiful isn't it? I'm a sucker for red roses :) Then on Saturday, he made reservations at a restaurant we'd been wanting to go to for a while now (perfect because reservation = no 2-hour wait!), which was delicious. Then we came home, I baked him a goody (featured on Bakerella's website), and then we watched "Up". Very cute movie! and Venezuela's featured front and center, which naturally made me appreciate the movie so much more :)

And of course the other picture shown here is the goody I baked for Sam, mmmmm. Perfectly decadent, Sam giggled when he first tasted it ;) I've come to eagerly wait for the giggles when I bake him something special! That means it's goooood :) Though, the credit doesn't go to me all the way... a friend at work mentioned that she'd made a cheesecake for her boyfriend for Valentine's Day (so admirable!), because she felt that "guys get gypped" on Valentine's Day. True words! So I found the recipe and decided to spoil my hubby back some ;)

I'm gonna cap off the weekend by making Sam arepas :) Yes I make them every weekend, but in no way should I leave off such a great weekend. I know he LOVES them!

Have a great and happy day, everybody! :)

(Cranking Out Music + Doing Chores) -(Lappy Time) = 2 x (Quality Time)?

2010-01-31T21:01:00.000-08:00

So I haven't figured out the exact formula yet, but it's fun to go through the process and try out different variables to the equation.

I thought I'd done it right. I actually worked out over the Christmas-New Year's break, thinking that doing so would keep me from getting off-schedule and gaining a lot of weight. Well, I'm not sure if it's a combination of being cold outside and having to work late every few days, but it's been SO darn hard to start working out again! I'm grateful that I didn't gain much weight over the break, but I know that I need to keep working out and eating healthy to "keep it up" (and let's forget about the Domino's pizza we ordered on Friday night...)

So my new plan is: do NOT turn the laptop on until 9-10:00pm. Many times when I get home I turn it on right away because I like to have noise in the background while I do things around the house. The noise is usually a TV show like "Friends", "Golden Girls", (yes I LOVE that show), or "The Office"; or every once in a while it's one of my guilty-pleasure movies, like "The Mist". So after Sam and I have dinner, I find myself sitting in front of this beautiful, fun box until it's time to go to bed. Surfing the Net is SUCH an addicting thing to do!

But.. gotta break the routine already. There are so many things that I keep thinking about lately that I'd like to get done, but haven't. These are not necessarily chores that I want to do; I've also wanted to finish decorating our bathroom and begin looking into buying paint to do our bedroom. So after about three weeks of going, "oh yeah... I need to do that" I decided it was time to change some things.

Wish me luck! **off to work out**

Help Me See Through Your Eyes

2010-01-26T21:00:00.000-08:00

**wow, tonight I really needed to talk. Two postings in one night!**

This past Sunday I went to church by myself because Sam was having severe allergy problems. I sat all the way in the back, at a pew with one other girl who was sitting at the end. About 10 minutes into Mass, a messy-looking guy came in and sat between the other girl and me. The first thing I noticed was the body odor. This man must've not taken a shower in days; the odor was so strong that it truly made it challenging to concentrate on anything else. Next, I noticed his clothes: ragged t-shirt, torn up jeans, dirty sneakers. Messy, uncombed hair. If I may be brutally honest, I was repulsed. I couldn't understand why anyone would come to church like this. He also took big, disrespectful steps when he walked, looked around a lot and squirmed around as if he didn't care about anything. I couldn't pay attention at all, I was truly befuddled.

Next, I noticed how fervently he repeated every prayer. What I initially thought was disrespect toward Mass now seemed to be ADD, or at least actions/movements he didn't intend to do. When we prayed the Lord's prayer and held hands, he held my hand tightly and stared at the hands for a long time. The more I saw this man, the more I realized that he was like a lost little kid. He sang every Hymn fervently, he knelt and prayed. I felt so embarrassed at my uppity attitude. I judged this man, basing my judgment on his physical appearance and my initial perception of his behavior.

Toward the end of Mass the words, "Help me see others and everything around me through Your eyes" came to mind. I'm listening to Jon Foreman's "Spring" album: in one of his songs he sings, "Baptize my Mind! Baptize my Eyes!"

How flawed I am! Through Your eyes God, help me see everything through Your eyes!

The Challenge: Wearing Multiple Hats

2010-01-26T20:25:00.000-08:00

Today three of us at work left at 8:30am to hold two meetings related to our latest fire station project in Sugar Land. We ended up getting back around 6:00pm, which I have to say is considered "early" given that some of my coworkers don't come back from out-of-town meetings until 9, 10 o'clock at night. Today's meetings were particularly important as far as the design goes, so it took a little more preparation than usual. I came in to work on Saturday and Sunday to print out our consultants' part of their work. The project in itself is a fast-paced one, so in more than one occasion I've felt the need to stay working an extra hour or so.

Sometimes it amazes me what a single hour's worth of extra work a couple of times a week will do to you. You become worn down, don't feel like doing anything when you get home. And I absolutely love my job, so I really can't complain. But then there are other responsibilities outside of work: being a good wife to Sam, taking care of the house, cooking meals, making sure I stay in touch with Mimi and Papito (my grandparents who raised me, and who live in Venezuela), doing laundry... we're not even parents yet!

Tonight I called Mimi, and the first thing she says is, "I kept waiting for your call on Sunday night, but you never called..." followed by, "Cecilia tells me that she hasn't seen you since December, is this true?" *sigh*. I try. It's not particularly easy to wear all the hats at once without having one tip over. I can only admire the people who seem to do what I do and SO much more, and they always have a smile on their face. Take my boss, Ray: that man stayed up until 3:00am this morning working on a proposal, and when he came in to work at 8:30am he was smiling. I truly respect him.

If there's one thing Sam reminds me every day (whether he realizes it or not), is that life NEEDS to be simple. I read in "The Purpose-Driven Life" that it's impossible to do everything people want you to do, and that a simpler lifestyle is more conducive to God. I try to simplify life, but it seems that when I do so, it comes at a cost. Maybe I'm not doing it right, yet. Between work, family, home, keeping up with people's birthdays, remembering and meeting deadlines, visiting with those who are close... time just seems to fly. And there's always someone who's not happy.

Lord, please help me discern what is truly important. Give me the wisdom and patience to... know how to wear these hats.

A True Gentleman

2010-01-19T21:01:00.000-08:00

Today was one of those days. Sam and I met at the post office to turn in our applications for passports; I stayed at work for an extra 45 minutes or so; and I ran a few errands after leaving work. I ended up getting home around 7:15pm which is late for me: I was hungry and really tired. Sam and I sat down to enjoy the second half of a "Lois and Clark" episode (we had maybe 25 minutes left), and couldn't get through it until about an hour and a half later because my phone kept ringing.

Noticing how tired I was, Sam said, "why don't you try out the hot tub in our bathroom? We haven't used it yet, that might help you feel better!". So he got the tub started, played with the water-shooting things until he got 'em right, and adjusted the water temperature so it wouldn't be too hot or too cold. I feel great now!!

Now, I truly see this blog as a diary of sorts, so when I tell stories like this I'm not trying to impress or make anyone gag. ;) I'm just incredibly lucky to have an amazing, thoughtful husband and I can't help but write about how great he is. The End! :)

A Different Take on "Why Me?"

2010-01-15T19:39:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if this is something I picked up from watching television or reading; but do you know that moment when someone is going through a difficult or painful situation, and they ask themselves, "why me?"?

"Why me?". It's so easy to fall into this thought when things don't happen exactly the way we wished. Even if we don't think these exact words, we often fall into the "why did that have to happen?" mentality. It doesn't even have to be a terribly catastrophic event: running late to work and finding yourself stuck in traffic because of a wreck: "Dangit! Perfect timing!". Going to the grocery store and meeting all checkout lanes filled with people whose carts are about to erupt: "Man! Now I have to wait forever!". Having to work late because the consultant didn't pay good enough attention to what they were supposed to do: "Great! Now I can't go home for a while." It's all some version of the same essential, "Why me?".

Lately I have found myself asking this question repeatedly. Tonight I spent some time watching videos of the destruction that a powerful earthquake left in Haiti; I watched videos and read articles describing the piles of human bodies lining up the Port Au Prince streets... as I cuddled with a warm soft blanket, comfortably. I look around me, and I see a beautiful home that's keeping me from getting wet and cold from the rain. I open the refrigerator, and it's full of food. We both have more than enough clothes for any type of weather, and if--God forbid--we were to be harmed or hurt, we have readily available medical services at local hospitals.

"Why me?". Why has God blessed me with so, so many blessings? I could've been one of those people in Haiti. I could've been a homeless orphan halfway around the world. I could've been a drug addict. A victim of physical violence. A war refugee, a victim of religious persecution. I'm no better than anyone else. God happened to place me here. Why me?

Luke 12:48: "...from everyone who has been given much, much will be required; and to whom they entrusted much, of him they will ask all the more."

This is the best reason I have come up with, so far.

I feel very humbled tonight. Lord, please listen to your faithful. Keep the tens of thousands of people who died in Haiti in Your Glory.

Fear

2010-01-12T20:13:00.000-08:00

Today I received an email forward from Sam's mom which asked a series of questions so other people can get to know you better. One of the questions was, "What are you most afraid of?". My official response to the question was losing Sam and/or family. But it left me thinking.

Seeing people lose their loved ones, witnessing their pain makes me quite afraid of losing Sam. I honestly cannot imagine what life would be like without him. I find myself happiest when I'm with him; I think I'd forgotten what it was like to laugh openly and without reservations before I met him. Life is simply amazing with Sam. I'd like to think that if "that" ever happened, that my faith in God and in His ways would get me through my darkest moments. But of course, I'm sure this is one of those "easier said than done" things. I'd like to trust in my faith, but I can't help being afraid when I think of the possibility.

My one other very, very strong fear is to die and to face God with "not much". When He asks me, "What did you do with the gifts that I gave you? Were you kind to others at all times? Did you love everyone else that you met while on Earth, just as much as I love you?", will I be happy to tell Him, "YES God, I did!", or will I look down knowing that I failed? Of course, I know that believing in God, his Son Jesus and accepting his Salvation while following His way saves me. But sometimes I can't help but ask, "Am I doing enough?".

I guess that's the "Catholic" in me thinking about this, and feeling guilt. I believe that some of this is good because it helps me think about my life and encourages me to practice my faith even when my selfish self doesn't want to. After all, there are plenty of so-called "Christians" (and among these, some so-called "Catholics") who are just that: a name. Believing is not enough. Because if one truly believes, one would put God's teachings into practice, and take it one, two, a thousand steps further and transform faith into action. And sometimes I truly feel that I'm lacking this kind of action. I'm talking about the kind of action that we should exercise EVERY DAY and that we sometimes forget about: loving everyone around you, no matter who it is. Accepting and loving them exactly as they are, without reservations.

Now, some people are hard to love. Some people push others away. I can't help but ask myself how I can keep showing my love for someone who feels like an emotional roller coaster: sometimes you're up, up, and happy; and sometimes you're down and dragging whoever's around down with you. I'm coming to realize that this is one of the biggest and hardest challenges for me: to show love and compassion regardless of this roller coaster. It's so easy to compare how my relationships with others hold up against my relationship with Sam, because life with him is wonderfully simple: no roller coasters, no ups and downs. And I absolutely love the peace that I find when I come home.

I need inner peace. I need God's hand here. My resolution is to seek Him more often. I want to read His word with Sam. I fear being too proud to show love.

Happy New Year! Feliz Ano Nuevo! :D

2009-12-31T22:11:00.000-08:00

And so 2010 begins :) What a great blessing it is to be alive!

I almost forgot about one of my very favorite Christmas time traditions: I listened to one of my aunt Diana's all-time favorite Christmas songs, and the tears just started flowing like there's no tomorrow! It absolutely amazes me how music can instantly transport you to a completely different time in your life, and suddenly you can see the world the way it was 10, 15 years ago. And you remember it all: every detail, every color, every sound.. when I listened to this song, I saw Diana with a big smile on her face, dancing and singing happily to this song. It makes me realize how much I painfully crave getting in touch with Venezuela again. I need to feel it again, to feel that fire that's so deeply ingrained in our culture. And I need Sam to see it, too. I so badly want to show him that piece of the puzzle, the land that helped shape me and where I lived for over half of my life.

So, I guess this was my first rambling posting for 2010, whoop! ;)

Happy New Year everybody! God bless us all :)

New Year, New Hope?

2009-12-30T21:37:00.000-08:00

I'm not exactly sure that this posting has a "point".

Lately I have been hearing a lot of people say, "I can't wait for 2009 to be over, it was horrific." My initial reaction to this was, "why was 2009 so horrible?"; but then of course I'm reminded of the awful situation so many families have been going through: unexpected layoffs, sinking investment values, foreclosures...

I guess it's a little difficult for me to understand because even at the end of my very "worst" years, I've never thought "wow I can't wait until this year is over". Every single event in our life shapes who we are: happy times, bad times, painful ones, joyous ones... and while I'm always happy to celebrate the arrival of a "new" year, I tend to reflect upon the year that's left us and hope that I've become a better person as a result of what I've gone through during the year; that I've done God's will through my actions and thoughts.

Now, I know that Sam and I have been very blessed with good jobs, great families, great friends, and now a home. I often find myself praying that we don't lose focus, that we remain humble, that we don't get lost in the race that life seems to become for so many people, and that God and family remain our #1 priority.

Have I become a better person this year? I hope so... just as much as I see some positive changes in myself, I also see so much room for improvement. In certain ways, I consider myself: a hypocrite; impatient; quick-tempered; selfish; cruel; vain. I guess I'm seeing 2010 as an opportunity to honor God through my thoughts and actions, to catch myself in the midst of sin and pick myself up toward a life closer to Him.

P.S.: Our second anniversary is coming up... I love you Sam, so MUCH. :)

At-Home Catastrophies, Memories, "Heroes"

2009-12-01T21:33:00.000-08:00

So as the title of this posting suggests, tonight's events at home unexpectedly tie into the show "Heroes". It's a GREAT science fiction-type show! I'm not usually a fan of SF, but this show I love. :)

Today I decided to finally bring in my timesheets from June 2008 all the way to now, so that I can start going through them to record my IDP (Intern Development Program) hours; I need to do this--not to mention go to grad school--to someday become an Architect. I took about 2 inches thick worth of timesheets and stuck them all inside a big 3-ring binder to make it easier to carry. I succeeded getting into my car in the rain, while holding my purse, my lunchbox, the binder and my umbrella. Once home though, I try to get out of my car and SPLAT! Out of the binder fly all the timesheets. I initially got frustrated and even thought about asking Sam to come help me pick up the mess, but I told myself to just stay calm and do it myself. I did think it was a little surprising that Sam hadn't come outside to greet me as he usually does...

The second I open the door to the utility room, I see Sam standing in the guest bathroom with a look I hadn't seen before. It's one of those, "You will NOT believe the kind of day I've just had and I'm VERY frustrated" faces. So of course I knew it wasn't good because my Sam's always happy! It so happens that the toilet in the bathroom had overflowed and when I came in he was standing in the middle of a big puddle of toilet water, trying to keep the mess contained. I felt SO bad for him. You see, Sam is amazing when it comes to helping clean the house and all, but he DOES NOT like to clean bathrooms. I instantly forgot about my own tiny, minuscule incident and started helping clean up. Fortunately Sam was able to unclog the toilet and after a bunch of paper towels, old towels, and mopping with Clorox, the bathroom floor is back to its old clean self. I was so impressed with how much Sam was willing to help with the mess! Not only help, but actually clean up a lot of it. The worst thing for him was that he'd done a bunch of things around the house that had been needing to get done so he was eager to show me everything when I got home. And then that happened. Poor Sam!

We couldn't help but laugh about the entire thing later on; at one point I told Sam, "You know, we will probably remember this for the rest of our lives!". Then we started talking about how things like this: happy moments, sad moments, frustrating moments, devastating moments... they all help us grow closer as a couple, we're making memories together and it's beautiful. YES it sounds cheesy, but every once in a while I appreciate cheesy ;) Then I thought about the Haitian from "Heroes", and got to realize just how EVIL his power could be!! He can just touch your head and wipe out an entire life's worth of memories if he chooses to do so.

Anyway.. I loved "seeing" us work together as a team, cleaning everything up, and I loved laughing about it later on. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am one lucky gal :) I can't believe it's been almost two years since we married, and almost six since we first met! I love Sam.

Goodnight!

Feeling Like Dorothy

2009-11-30T19:01:00.000-08:00

Today was my first day out of the house since last Wednesday; this cold has been tougher on me than I initially thought it'd be. I'm thankful that I managed to stay at work all day even though my throat hurt pretty badly; all sickness and bleagh-feelings aside, I was glad to be back at work and draw wall sections :) Did I mention that I majored in Architecture? Aaaand that I go nuts for wall sections? Yeah, that'll have to be a whole other blog posting ;)

Anyway! By the time 5:30pm hit I was completely worn out and kind of in a bad mood. Coming home, seeing Sam's smiling face and spending time with him.. yeah, that's the very BEST medicine I can get :) There's no place like home!

Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-26T18:00:00.000-08:00

We've spent an amazing Thanksgiving this year. My parents came over to our new home, so Sam and I got to host the nice dinner without turkey worries! Haha, my mom's great: she got to cook the turkey and brought a pumpkin pie, while we took care of the mashed potatoes, green beans and the apple pie :)

I'm sick with a nasty cold, but I don't care. We had a beautiful day and fun times with family. God bless everyone, today and always!

A U.S. Citizen... A Short One

2009-11-15T20:57:00.000-08:00

I just realized that the title for this posting has an unintended (and funny) double meaning: this will indeed be a "short" posting, but I am also a brand-new "short" U.S. citizen :D

Yes! I have finally become a citizen of this beautiful country. I'm quite happy to have taken this step! I wasn't always thrilled about this, though: for a year or two, I struggled with the fear that by becoming a U.S. citizen, I would lose a little more of my Venezuelan self. My native country is beautiful, passionate, full of life and energy, wild, dangerous at times... I miss it sometimes; I crave it. After giving it much thought, I've come to understand that Venezuela is and will forever be in my blood: that kind of passion doesn't die. And while it is quite sad to know that politics and greedy men have made my home country what it is today, I will never stop being proud of who I am and where I came from.

Maybe I am a bit nostalgic tonight.

Giving

2009-11-08T13:42:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been thinking a lot about how I'm always thanking God for all the blessings He has given us, and how the Bible tells us that the more we are blessed with, the more we should give. And several noble examples of generosity come to mind: My grandmother, Mimi, used to take me along to a retirement home when I was little, so we could help the staff care for the patients and bring goodies for everybody. Sam's sister, Amanda, has done amazing volunteer work with her church to help others: mission trips, rebuilding efforts... It's quite inspiring to "see" people wanting to help others.

As Thanksgiving gets closer, I'm feeling so giddy to be able to help with the food drives taking place around town. Last year Sam and I donated food and volunteered to deliver food baskets to families in need, and the experience was touching and sad at the same time. We got to see a side of this town that not too many people get to see: broken down houses with no front doors, kids with big smiles on their faces, thrilled to see food... it brought tears to my eyes. All it took was little over one hour of our time to help bring a few smiles to people's faces. Sometimes I feel like that's not enough though. It took such little effort to do that! Today's Bible reading (Mark 12:41-44) tells us how Jesus explained to his disciples that the widow who contributed only a few coins to the treasury "has put in more than all those who have given to the treasury; for they all put in out of their abundance, but she out of her poverty put in all that she had, her whole livelihood.”

I pray that Jesus fills my heart with a desire to serve others, to not let me forget that it's not only about thanking Him for his infinite generosity, but to mirror myself in Him and give myself to help.

Be Careful What You Wish For

2009-11-06T23:10:00.000-08:00

In my attempt to follow closely in Jesus' footsteps, I often find myself praying for God to help me be better at exercising a virtue I may not excel at; some of these hard-for-me virtues are patience, leaving everything in God's hands, serenity... you name it! The first two are particularly hard for me; at times I can be quite impulsive both in actions and in words, and many times when I find myself in difficult situations I tend to want to control as much as I can out of such situation; in other words, I forget that God is in control, not me.

So last week a "difficult situation" tornado of sorts passed through our household: Sam became sick with the flu, things at work became hectic, and a past employer asked me to do some work for her on the side. I had to work last weekend, which resulted in the house becoming a mess from not being cleaned and me not having enough time to do laundry or cook. Most importantly, I felt guilty for not being home to take care of my husband, as I should. I was frustrated! I told my friend earlier today that, "when you become part of a team and fifty-percent of your team is down, it's not easy to handle it all".

I forgot to pray for patience. I failed to see that God was giving me a golden opportunity to exercise my patience, and to leave everything in His hands. I was becoming irritated with everything that was going on, and in the midst of it all I didn't pause to keep silent for a bit, and sense God's presence in our lives.

Things like this make me fall in love with God even more. "Ask and you shall receive". Wow! It's such a beautiful thing, this amazing love that He has for us. He above all is the Supreme Teacher. He is our loving Father. And He wants us to succeed in this life, He wants us to follow Him. What more could I possibly want but God?

Short Note on 'Religion' and Us

2009-10-22T21:11:00.001-07:00

So tonight, Sam and I were having a very interesting discussion on the differences, religion-wise, between what he grew up believing and what I did. Even though I was brought up in a Catholic household and Sam was raised Baptist, we have always been able to discuss religion and not get into a big argument; instead, I think we have both truly enjoyed learning about each other's childhood years and the beliefs that our parents taught us.

So in the middle of discussing why people tend to lose their temper when discussing differing Christian beliefs, Sam says,

"I have always believed that, if two people from different Christian denominations essentially believe in God and that Jesus came to Earth and died for our sins; and in discussing differences between each other's faiths tempers rise and people get upset, that is the time to try and forget about those relatively unimportant differences, because the bickering and anger is NOT what God intended for us to do. He does not wants us to fight amongst each other because we're missing the point; we're losing focus."

Then we started talking about what this Focus should be: loving each other as He has always loved us.

And as I sat there listening to Sam say those words, I was wondering, "How can I NOT fall in love with him all over again when he speaks like this?" And when Catholic people ask me how we'll handle raising our children, I think of Sam speaking these words and I am not worried. If we can teach our children about God's love for us, Jesus' sacrifice to save us from our own sins and our need to follow in His footsteps... then we will have done our most important job as parents.

Natural Family Planning and Us

2009-10-15T19:33:00.001-07:00

After putting it off for about three months, I finally had my yearly appointment with my gynecologist yesterday. I'd been dreading going to this appointment not only for the obvious reasons, but also because this would be the first time I saw my gynecologist since we started using NFP (Natural Family Planning). Our Creighton model practitioner had warned me that many physicians tend to be quite negative and skeptical about NFP methods, and unfortunately I was met with a similar reaction.

I never thought I would get off the birth control pill. I'd been taking it for almost ten years, and it'd worked wonders for me, as far as having regular periods goes. About three months before Sam and I got married I became too old to be under my parents' insurance plan and I couldn't afford a plan of my own, so I stopped taking the pill. This wasn't an issue as far as my relationship with Sam goes.. but I became very afraid of what would happen when I got off it. And what happened was actually quite amazing: I felt alive again. I'm not quite sure how to describe it and I'm aware that this sounds like crazy talk, but I felt as if I'd spent all those years on the pill "mentally sedated"; emotions I hadn't seen in a very long time resurfaced and somehow I felt like my true self again.

A little while before we got married I got on the pill again, but I'd discussed with Sam my desire to find some other method that would help us plan our family and that would be more in tune with my beliefs. This desire went far beyond the Catholic church's stand on birth control; switching to some form of NFP meant being more open to having children and feeling like we are trusting God and His plan. Luckily Sam was incredibly supportive and agreed that if we found a method we could use, we should do it. I'm not going to deny that I struggled for a long time on whether jumping into NFP would be a wise decision, because I did question it. No one in this day and age wants to have 10 children (except for maybe crazy ol' Octomom?), so of course there were doubts and questions. All I could do was pray about it, that God would help us make this important decision in our marriage.

So we found the Creighton model of Natural Family Planning; we've been learning the system for about five months now, and we are both so very happy with this decision! It takes a little time to get used to it, but in five short months we have learned a lot about procreation and this wonderful gift that God has given us. Sam and I both have noticed a number of amazing differences which have helped us become closer as a couple; the system is based on daily observations and "charting" these, and we share the responsibility of following the method. We also learned a lot more about how the pill works, and we were happy that I wasn't taking it anymore.

But of course, the second my gynecologist heard that we were practicing NFP she practically treated me like a child for the rest of the appointment. Somehow she felt she could scold me for getting off the pill and dismiss anything I said about the Creighton model as unimportant and uninteresting (this after she admitted she did not know anything about the system).

So... I almost let it get to me. I almost thought, "maybe I should get back on it..." I talked about it with Sam to see what he thought, and... he was so very supportive of the Creighton model and of us following it! More than anything, there's peace of mind and of heart that we're intending to plan when we'll have children, but that ultimately God has His say and that we will accept it lovingly no matter what. I guess one could technically say the same thing about the birth control pill because no method is absolutely effective except for abstinence, but at least there are no synthetic hormones in me. I feel better, both mentally and physically. And Sam is so very happy to be following this too. We wouldn't trade this sense of peace for anything else in the world.

FOUND: True Email Forward!

2009-10-10T11:55:00.000-07:00

I have finally found an email forward that has been proven to be true, and it's definitely worth a read:

http://www.snopes.com/photos/people/katie.asp

"This is your life... are you who you want to be?"

2009-10-09T19:32:00.000-07:00

I LOVE Switchfoot. I have my wonderful husband to thank for introducing me to their music back in '04; in fact, I still get butterflies in my stomach when I hear their first album, "The Legend of Chin". I got this album as Sam and I got to know each other :)

Having a full-time job and being a wife, my daily life is moderately to heavily filled with responsibilities: working, cooking, cleaning, washing, dusting... being a good employee, keeping a home in order and making sure that my husband's needs are met can be a bit overwhelming at times. About eight months ago, I began to notice that all I did was wish that I didn't have to work so I could stay at home and enjoy life more. Poor Sam had to hear me complain about work and about not having enough time to do anything. So I reached a point where I asked myself, "what ARE you doing with your time?". Well, here comes the embarrassing part:

After work I would get home, talk to Sam a little bit about how our days went, then I'd sit in front of this computer for half an hour to an hour reading about... celebrities. I cannot for the life of me understand WHY I like to read this stuff, but I do. Then, Sam and I would have dinner while watching a TV show, then I'd come back to the computer while he played games. I'd often either stay online until late, or watch TV show reruns. Wow! That sure sounds like a great and productive life, doesn't it? Then, I'd leave everything I needed to do until Sundays, which would make those days completely stress-ridden.

So, Sam and I discussed the situation, and after much arguing against the idea (this would be me), he finally convinced me that the best thing to do would be to have a weekly schedule to get things done; in that way we would both have responsibilities and these would be spaced out more. So each night we each have something to do: he mows and does the vacuuming around the house, while I do the dusting, the kitchen and the bathrooms. I have to give it to Sam: the schedule WORKS! I think we appreciate the time that the other contributes in keeping the house in order, and really look forward to times together. I spend less time reading trivial things, and more time doing quiet housework... watching a movie with Sam... reading... praying... watching birds! I got this one from Sam and his family; I did not understand it at all at first. But I've come to appreciate this seemingly insignificant activity so much..! As Rick Warren states in Purpose: "knowing your purpose... ...becomes the standard you use to evaluate which activities are essential and which aren't."

Like I say in my "About me", I'm one lucky lady :) I love my husband Sam, so very much. He brings balance to my at times disorganized life. I feel truly humbled when I think that God decided that Sam and I should become a family. I seek for a simple, humble, God-centered life, and with Sam... ... with Sam I feel like I can become who God wants me to be :)

Counting blessings

2009-10-08T19:26:00.000-07:00

Today was a beautiful and windy day here in Bryan-College Station. I couldn't help but turn away from my computer screen to look at the sky every so often (I wonder what I'd bill that time to...). What can I say, it was a great day for cloud-watching! I reflected upon God's blessings all day long. It's so easy to think about the blessings you've been given on pretty and/or happy days. I couldn't help but pray though, that God doesn't let me forget of all these blessings in the not-so-happy times. The dark times. We're so spoiled to always want more, and bigger, and better. And if things don't go our way, we complain. And we forget. But God... God is there in the most silent of ways. And it's a beautiful thing, if you don't forget.