Because I know you'll read this... eventually

When we married almost four years ago, I didn't think it'd be possible to love you more than I did that day. My heart was filled with joyful love, and full of dreams about the future.

Since our biggest trial yet began in June though, I have realized that my love for you has increased exponentially: I love you intensely, in our happiest times AND in our darkest times. You have shown me a kind of strength I had no idea you had; only God can provide it to those who love Him. I know it breaks you when you see me cry; and I know you stress just as much as I do when you have to give your wife painful progesterone shots. But in the midst of this torturous trial, we have fervently prayed together; have mourned our fertility together; and have slowly begun to come out of this together. And my love for you... wow, it's amazing.

A kiss tastes so much sweeter now; and your embrace... I long for your embrace if we're apart for longer than a regular day's work. If there is beauty in our suffering, unbelievable beauty... this is it, baby.

I love you.

Fall Joy

I love days like today. I love coming home from work, and it's cold enough outside to have the heat on and Sam and I are able to relax and have fun together. We had dinner together; played one of his video games (I loved it, and I'm totally sure it has to do with the fact that it has TWO actions you can do: run and splode. Yep, I spelled that right). And we watched the season 2 finale of "Heroes" (yes, we're very very late watching that show). Now I've got turkey chili cooking, and I'm joyfully watching "Scream 3" as I edit photos. Life IS good.

I missed writing about the great days.

What a Test.

Just found out that someone else I know is pregnant.

This'll sound utterly silly, but we need to adopt a child, soon. Otherwise, every time anyone around us becomes pregnant, it'll become another reminder of what we cannot have.

I'm reaching for Him. I'm not as bad as last time. It just sucks to have people tell us, "I'm/we're pregnant, and I'm/we're so happy, but I'm/we're sorry for you."

Romans 8:28.

zzzzzzzzzzz..... ZOOM!

Well hello, Mr. 1.8-aperture lens. You're kind of awesome. ;)

Our BRW CS latest: Sugar Land's Fire Station No. 7

Check out one of our newest designs..! This design was a collaborative effort between Ray (our boss), Janelle and me. I worked with Ray on the exterior, and Janelle led the interior design process. The grand opening was yesterday; it was quite an event: they had free food and popcorn, a bouncy castle, activities like taking your photo in a very old fire truck and getting to use the long fire hoses to hit a target... it was lots of fun and the clients are so thrilled with their new building. Even though Construction Administration has been a royal pain, it makes it ALL worth it when you know you've got a happy building user. Gotta say, I'm so proud of this one.. :)

The awesome lobby:

The kitchen. I WANT this kitchen:

Day Room:

Elevation from across the street:

The tower (my baby) stands so proud and tall:

YESSSSSS.

Grace, Acceptance, and His Promise

After two visits to Dr. K. in Austin in the span of a week, we've decided that we cannot continue going for ultrasound checkups every week. We've been spending over $100 each time we travel to Austin, and have had to work extra hours to make up for the time we're gone, since we're almost out of sick time. Most importantly, nothing has changed or shown evidence that my ovaries want to work. We'll continue with the treatments, and I will continue to get blood drawn whenever Dr. K. wants to see where my levels are, but that's about it. As much as I want to be a mom and carry a baby, my guess is that all the traveling is adding stress that will not help me get there.

Last week and for the fist time, I spoke with Mimi (my grandma) about the possibility of adoption. I explained that Sam and I had decided to begin looking into adoption if we have not been able to get pregnant by January or February, and even though she'd love to deny it, I could tell she was not thrilled with the idea. When I said that we had to accept that maybe having a baby naturally was not in God's plan for us, she told me, "Don't say that. You're giving up too easily. God can do anything..."

*sigh*. Yes, I know He can. Turning my little ovaries around to have them produce a tiny little egg is peanuts for Him. He once parted a sea... I think He could handle this.

She proceeded to tell me, "well, maybe this is just not your time to become parents..." I have to wrestle myself a little to not feel insulted by the comment.

Ever since I talked to Mimi I have wondered if I have, indeed, given up hope. Sometimes I think that I have; sometimes I just think I'm beginning to accept. I've nearly torn my brain in half trying to pull myself out of the darkness I was in... I don't know that I could be out of it if I don't learn to surrender my stubbornness and move forward. How many times have I tormented myself with questions such as "what's going to happen...?" and "what will I do...?", only to have the situation "figure itself out", without being affected by my input at all? How many times must HE show us that HE is in control for us to learn to let go...?

If anything, I need to accept this for my own mental well-being. Call it an act of self-preservation, if you will. Have I stopped thinking of what I'm in the process of giving up? No... but I need to move on. I have neglected so much in the past few months because of this: some of my rose plants have died. I didn't have my car's oil changed this Summer, and a tire's looking low. Our house is a mess. I've been afraid that I will neglect my husband as well, and I categorically refuse to do this. As soon as we decided to not go to Austin anymore, both Sam and I felt instant relief. This weekend I got to organize a bunch of things around the house, and I feel rejuvenated, in a way. Finally, I feel the kind of peace I hadn't felt in a long time.

I know that He can provide us with a miracle. He knows how much I have desired this. But in the midst of my recovery, I sense that He has an amazing plan for us. He has made this promise:

"For we know that in all things, God works for the good of all those who love Him, who have been called according to his purpose..." - Romans 8:28.

I'm holding on to this.

Surrender...

I wrote this yesterday while taking a break at work.

I don't know why I've been so emotional lately about this. Maybe it's the progesterone shots, who knows. I'm struggling again with the idea of letting go of my beautiful dream. I again feel the temptation to think this is so unfair, and that I feel so betrayed by this body of mine. Lord, how can I give this to you? Please teach me... I'm so weak. It's a wrenching tug-of-war inside: I try so hard to hold on and let go. I'm afraid of the struggle again. Last time I went through this I eventually saw my spirit fall, exhausted from my eyery thought. I want to let go...! I want to...! If anything to have peace inside. Somehow, a part of me fights this though. How can the beautiful desire to carry a child become such a harsh restraint on my soul?

I keep thinking of this Barlow Girl song, "Surrender". There is not one word in this song that doesn't ring true with my internal struggle:

My hands hold safly to my dreams

Clutching tightly not one has fallen
So many years I've shaped each one
Reflecting my heart showing who I am
Now you're asking me to show
What I'm holding oh so tightly
Can't open my hands can't let go
Does it matter?
Should I show you?
Can't you let me go?

Surrender, surrender you whisper gently
You say I will be free
I know but can't you see?
My dreams are me. My dreams are me

You say you have a plan for me
And that you want the best for my life
Told me the world had yet to see
What you can do with one
That's committed to Your calling
I know of course what I should do
That I can't hold these dreams forever
If I give them now to You
Will You take them away forever?
Or can I dream again?