November 10th, 2011

This is a day which marked a change in me. While at work looking over wallpaper samples for a project, I suddenly imagined using the samples I didn't use to decorate a dollhouse for our little girl. I quickly texted Sam, telling him that I couldn't wait to adopt a little girl so we could make these sudden visions of mine a reality. I was excited to adopt..!

Above all, I was so very glad that I AM, in fact, making progress. We've been doing the hormone replacement therapy (estrogen and progesterone shots) to help level off my hormones, so things have settled down quite a bit compared to the months when I was at my darkest. I still have off moments, like a few weeks ago when we went to a Christmas special event at Wolfpen Creek, and I became teary-eyed at the sight of little girls all so excited to perform their little dance onstage, while their families looked on, proudly. Overall though, I am so much better; and I am relieved. I feel peace.

It's so easy to read the words in the Bible: "I am your faithful servant, Thy will be done onto me..." In reality though, this is one of THE most difficult things in life: to reroute your own selfish desires, no matter how good or pure they may seem to you, to match those of God. To literally let go, and tell Him that you've stopped trying to take those reins off His hands. But I'm trying.