Abortion and Our Selective Humanity

A bill that would have made abortion at 20 weeks of gestation illegal in Texas died last week, due in large part to State Senator Wendy Davis’ 10-hour filibuster. This past Monday, members of both pro-life and pro-choice camps gathered in front of the Texas Capitol to give voice to their side of the issue. My Facebook News Feed was inundated with abortion-related comments for a day or two. So on and off for the past few days, I have been reflecting on this latest source of turmoil.

I have come to realize that legislation will not change anything on this matter. If abortion is made illegal completely, a black market for abortion will surface; we will see more and more cases of women giving birth and dumping their children in toilets, dumpsters, etc. Just like the use of many drugs is “illegal” yet the drug business is a multibillion dollar industry, illegal abortion places will cash in by slipping under the radar. With this I’m not saying that abortion might as well be legal. I guess I’m just sad that we have gotten to a point where, if an unexpected pregnancy happens, we as human beings even consider it an option to kill a child. This issue is very personal to me, as I’m speaking from experience: I was a product of an unplanned pregnancy. To my mom (who was single and 18 years old at the time) and my grandparents, there was never any other option except, “this baby is coming”. Needless to say, I am so glad they saw me not as a collection of cells, but as a human life in the making, worthy of respect. We live in a nation where it’s all about “defending rights”: a crazy random guy pulls out a gun and kills someone else: “gun control, no guns for anyone, people should feel safe, RAH-RAH!”. A doctor makes a mistake in the operating room: “this doctor should have his license revoked forever, patients should be protected!”. A woman has sex, becomes pregnant, a baby is growing inside her… and she makes the decision to abort. This baby will likely be decapitated, his or her brain pulverized, arms and legs ripped apart from the body, the entire body sucked away with a vacuum. WHO protects this child? Why, because we cannot see this person, are we so indifferent and downright merciless toward them? WHY DO WE EXERCISE SUCH SELECTIVE HUMANITY?

I believe the root problem here is twofold: ignorance and convenience. Do abortion supporters know how exactly an abortion is conducted? Do they know that in the womb, these children have plenty of nerves that allow them to feel the excruciating pain of being dismembered? Do they know that their brains are often squished with forceps, and later sucked away along with any other “leftovers”? I don’t think many people know. And if they do… boy, are we in bad shape. I also believe that convenience is to blame here because I have spoken with pro-choice supporters who have said, “well, conception is just a clean, convenient line that can be drawn so that a woman can decide what to do”. Really? Convenience is your argument? HOW SELFISH CAN WE BE?

I have seen people on Texas A&M grounds showing passersby very gruesome photos of aborted children. I don’t agree with the shock factor used here because, just like legislation, this tactic fails to engage in active, one-on-one dialogue with people. We will not change minds by randomly showing bloody photos to anyone who will look our way. My bet is that this is automatically counterproductive to the cause. And like I said, legislation alone will not change people’s minds. BUT, if we choose to talk to our friends, our relatives, our coworkers, and anyone who currently supports this type of infanticide (because trust me, many of the people closest to us are in favor of making this life-or-death choice) … at least a new gateway for dialogue has been opened. And maybe not today, or tomorrow, will the change happen. We truly cannot touch anyone else’s lives without His hand guiding it all. We have to hope that some minds will change. Maybe someone will go, “okay… how DO abortions take place?” and Google the word (not kidding… typing “abortion” on Google results in jawdropping, extremely graphic images. If you’re brave enough, I invite you to do it, with the forewarning that it may turn your stomach inside out).

And many pro-choice supporters argue that okay, late-term abortion is abominable, but if a woman finds out soon enough that she’s pregnant and decides to abort, then it’s okay because this is not a baby yet.  To these people I say, “aren’t YOU lucky that your mother chose life for you? If you could for one day pull a Marty McFly and travel back to the time when your mother was pregnant, and you saw her debating whether or not to abort you: wouldn’t you want to scream and plead with her not to do it, because you want to live?” My mom and grandparents never saw this as an option: I was going to come no matter what. Had they been guided by a completely different moral compass, I would not have gotten to breathe; run; laugh; cry; had my first kiss; gone to college; met the love of my life; met amazing, lifelong friends; lived the intense highs and lows that life has brought me.  Can you, family members, friends, acquaintances, etc., say that you would’ve been perfectly okay if I had not been given the chance to live? Am I not worth it?

It’s not about not having any options, and it’s not about “you made a mistake, live with the consequences, raise this baby”. If you don’t want to take care of the baby, fine. THERE ARE OTHER OPTIONS. I've seen some liberal people say (almost verbatim), “Imagine, conservatives want us to live with the consequences of a brief mistake that happened on one night!”. Yes, it’s about responsibility, not about “let’s have sex tonight, will get rid of any traces of this mistake later.” But “living with consequences” doesn’t necessarily mean to raise the child. A woman who unexpectedly falls pregnant and decides to give the baby up for adoption has just as many GUTS and courage as a woman who decides to raise the baby. It’s not running away from responsibility, it’s not cowardice. Sam and I have met women who had their children placed for adoption; their decision was based on “I knew I could not afford to have a fifth child, but I wanted my baby to live”. Simple as that. Nowadays with so many infertile couples, birthmothers can ask potential adoptive parents to pay for medical expenses during the pregnancy.  

To those who say, “well, you’re neglecting to talk about women who have been raped”. First of all, I looked it up: in the US, 1% of abortions happen because a woman was raped and does not want to keep the child. ONE percent. On the other hand:

-          “Unready for responsibility”: 21%

-          “Is too immature or too young to have child”: 11%

-          “Has problems with relationship or wants to avoid single parenthood”: 12%

-          “Husband or partner wants her to have abortion”: 1%

-          “Has all the children she wanted or all the children are grown”: 8%

-          “Can’t afford baby right now”: 21%

-          “Concerned about how baby would change her life”: 16%

These reasons, which I have been arguing against and could be very well avoided by placing the child for adoption, make up 90% of cases in the country. *sigh*. These babies are alive, growing, and need to be protected. THEY ARE JUST AS VALUABLE AS YOU AND ME. You and I were once them; only we were lucky to have mothers who said “yes” to life for us.

My Husband, My Hero

Throughout our infertility journey, Sam has been every inch the rock I have needed to lean on: his arms have been open when I've needed a comforting embrace, and his chest has dried countless tears as I clung to him. He's more of a listener than a talker; and I have worried that we may be neglecting HIS own pain: I mean, not being able to produce offspring, that's got to be a big deal for a man. So a couple of times, I have asked him how he feels about not being able to have a baby of our own. He has explained that what affects him most is seeing the pain in me, because he knows that sometimes nothing can make the sadness go away. The other thing that affects him deeply is thinking about events like future Harvey family reunions, where our baby will likely not be eligible for "youngest Harvey in the family", because he or she will not be blood related. But Sam is very much a positive thinker, and is a true believer in God's plan. So even when I get him to talk about his own pain, he quickly reaffirms his faith in God to me, and encourages me to do the same. That is my Sam: inspiring, comforting, faithful.

Last night I got to see a different emotion from him. As a group of us were encouraged to voice our petitions to God out loud (and much to my surprise), Sam stood up and said the following prayer:

"God, you know that we have been struggling with infertility for a couple of years now, and are now waiting to adopt a baby. I pray that You provide us with the comfort and patience we need to joyfully wait for this blessing we know You have in store for us. The waiting can get to be hard, and we need You..."

His last few words came out with a trembling voice; my Sam was finally breaking down. As he sat back down, I embraced his arm, and we both wept quietly. For the first time in three years, I saw his pain. It was a moment both beautiful and heart-wrenching, and I will never, ever forget it.

Sam doesn't voice his feelings too often, but I don't ever have to ask him again how he feels about our struggle; I saw it. I felt it.

Once home, Sam went back to his encouraging self. As I struggled with the news that someone we know is pregnant and had a moment of weakness by asking, "Why us?", Sam said that he believes God needed us to go through this, because a baby out there needs us to be his or her parents. A baby needs US..! What a wonderful realization this was, how beautiful it is to discover a little piece of God's plan for us, and for this child..! Indeed, God has beautiful plans for us.

I will never stop saying it: I love my husband. My husband, my hero.

The Waiting Blues

Last Summer, as I struggled to deal with my anger toward God due to our infertility, I remember being further angered by other women who had gone through a fertility-related heartbreak (failed fertility treatments, miscarriage, etc.) who didn't share their own feelings as they struggled to cope with their personal tragedies. All I read was the words that came from the calm after the storm, and at that point I felt so unique in my barrenness that I needed to see other women be angry, frustrated, etc., imploring God to help them, as much as I was. I wanted to see their weak human nature, to help me feel less inadequate and in true company of others. Well, I'm going to share my struggles.

Today was a rough day. A group of us were discussing man's struggle to choose between the kingdom of God and the kingdom of man; I began to explain that my personal struggle has been to give up what "I wanted" (to get pregnant) and to begin asking God to use me as His instrument of peace, through whatever experiences I may need to go through. And I broke down. Half of what I said came out in broken words, with a quivering voice. I barely managed to finish my thought, and proceeded to let the tears flow. In public.

I was initially upset with myself; how could I embarrass myself by crying in such a pitiful way in front of our friends? The worst part was that I couldn't stop crying; while Sam went into the grocery store to pick up things that we needed, I stayed in the car having my emotional moment. Letting the tears fall, and praying. It's been a rough month or so actually, since we've been waiting for baby for nearly four months now. The waiting period of adoption does get tough.

I eventually realized something that brought me great comfort: my sadness about being barren no longer comes with anger toward God. Where anger and frustration once lived, quiet prayer and trust, albeit weak, now dwell. My sadness has not left me, and I really doubt that it ever will. I will always struggle to see other women with full, fruitful bellies and their little ones. I will always have to fight the urge to resent. But I trust that He leads our lives, and that He is using us to teach others about His love and infinite mercy.

When you read books about adoption, writers tend to say that a barren couple should be finished mourning their infertility before they consider adoption. I only agree with this statement somewhat, as I truly believe that the sadness never leaves. I think the difference comes when instead of asking, "why me??", you begin thinking, "well... I'm very sad that we can't do this... but I also see hope."  My hope dwells in God, and I am in awe at how much He loves us all.

I dare say that if we would've been able to have children with no problems, Sam and I may not have come to study His word more closely, and may not have started searching to be closer to Him. I may have not begun to learn what true, undefiled, pure trust in Him can look like. We would've kept on living our lives in a whirlwind (I probably would've earned my Master's in Architecture), not bothering to pause and truly meditate on Him. After the darkest part of our storm, I love Him more than I thought I ever would, because He not once abandoned us. I once thought that He was not here, and at that time I was doing all the talking; I was angry, proud, frustrated, envious of others. I was in such a dark place. Once I let go of what I so intently wanted to hold on to, I began to feel free, and peaceful.

Mark this as a blue day for me. I am still sad, I will always be. But God holds us together. I can feel it.

This is one of my "life changing" songs, Laura Story's "Blessings":
http://www.lyricshall.com/lyrics/Laura+Story/Blessings/

Baby's nursery

Every time I look at the future nursery, I can't help but smile: it truly has been a labor of love for this beautiful miracle we've got coming. Enjoy the photos!

Found these decals on Amazon; they fit so well with the tree! 

Paintings I made 

Future cuddling / reading nook :)

Sketch v. Actual Room :)

Welcome to the New Look!

I have to admit: Blogger does NOT have the best template editor in the world. But I was finally able to put together something more like us, and I'm so happy with it! Welcome :)

P.S.: I didn't do this on purpose, but I just realized this is my 100th post. So woohoo for new blog look, let's pretend I totally did it to celebrate my 100th!

Sharing our Knowledge: Looking for an Adoption Agency

We're about to enter our third "waiting" month; the baby's room is slowly taking shape, and things seem to be... nice, calm, and happy. It's been an amazing year so far, and I pray that we remain focused on the many blessings to come, no matter how long we need to wait.

Our path to adoption was not an easy one; after being diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF), it took me about a year to grieve our infertility, break down emotionally, give in to His will, and move on to where we are now. Sam, being the "perfect for me" husband that he is, patiently waited as I moved on from overwhelming sense of loss to quiet hope. Once I was ready to look into adoption, I wanted to find as much information as possible on how to get started: websites, books, friends of friends who have adopted... you name it.

So, even though I know there are a billion information sources out there on the adoption topic, I thought it would be good to construct a guideline on how to start this journey, based on our own experiences and research. Consider this Part 1 in what I'm sure will be a developing series for anyone trying to figure out where to start. Since we are working with a private adoption agency, this is where my focus will be.


Which Type of Agency to go with?

The decision to adopt our baby through a private agency was based on several factors:

- We briefly considered international adoption, but soon learned that a prospective adoptive family needs to travel to the child's country of origin at least twice: once to receive that government's approval to adopt a child, and once to pick up your child and bring him/her back home. While we deeply respect families who feel called to do this, we decided there were plenty of children here in the U.S. who needed a family and a home. Also, we decided that travel abroad and associated expenses was not for us (POF = low energy to begin with!). I have read that international adoptions can run from $20,000 up to $50,000 depending on which country you adopt from and which agency you go with; this is a pretty healthy range and gives families more flexibility as far as expected expenses goes.

- We also read about lawyer-facilitated adoptions, where the adoptive couple looks for a birthmother on their own; the lawyer may or may not specialize in adoption. This route allows families to get creative a far a finding potential birthmothers: I read about a couple who literally wore "We're Expecting... to Adopt a Child Soon!" t-shirts during family outings around town, and they found their birthmother this way. I have to say, we wanted to feel a bit more protected; we felt that a private agency with years of experience handling the process would be a better source of knowledge for us, in all aspects of adoption (rather than just the legal part). We also wanted to find an agency that provided counseling services to potential birthmothers, to help them realize the emotions of loss that come with having their child placed for adoption.

-  We met with an agency that specializes in adoption through the state of Texas (adoption and foster-to-adopt), but after learning that a child may be taken away from our home up to 18 months after receiving him or her into our home, Sam told me that he didn't think I would be able to handle this emotionally speaking, especially being our first child. We are considering this route for the future though, since the U.S. foster care system has SO many children starving for love. One major positive: costs are significantly lower (I'm talking as low as $5,000) when adopting a child through the state.

- We also called into some big-name, nationwide adoption agencies that advertise all over the country. The idea of larger exposure (which likely results in being picked much sooner) was very appealing, but given the fact that some states give birthmothers a much longer period of time to change their mind about the process (California allows SIX weeks after the baby is born!), we decided against this approach. Our adoption agency, Adoption Affiliates, is based in Oklahoma and Texas; in Oklahoma, the birthmother must go to court in person to voice her desire to relinquish parental rights; Texas has a "48 hours after birth" stipulation for signing relinquishment papers.

What to Ask Adoption Agencies...
I strongly recommend that families searching for an adoption agency has a list of questions to ask all agencies they contact. In my experience, some agencies are very generous when it comes to offering you information over the phone, while some have to hear you almost beg for information before they give you details. The list below is by no means a comprehensive one, but should be a good place to start:

- Ask for a detailed fee breakdown: We found that agencies that provide you with a detailed description of where your money will go tend to be more transparent and open when it comes to money. Many agencies have hidden fees they will not mention unless you ask many questions; we stayed away from these. In the fee breakdown, the following questions should be answered:
       - Does the agency charge different fees if you adopt a child of a specific race? One agency we spoke with charges 1.5 times more money for a Caucasian child than for a child with full African-American heritage.
       - Most agencies have some type of introductory meeting, where they will meet in a classroom-type setting. What do they charge for this? We saw fees ranging from $100 to $600.
       - What are the expected legal fees? Do they have a lawyer on staff, or can they recommend someone to work with?
       - Who will pay for hospital fees? What happens if the baby is born premature and/or the mother has complications and needs to stay at the hospital longer than expected, who pays for this?
       - Do the fees change if the birthmother is carrying multiple babies? One agency we spoke with charges $7,000 extra per additional baby.
       - Are there any other fees nos listed on the fee breakdown that you need to be aware of?
     
- Does the agency test birthmothers for drug use and STIs, or do they just ask her about it and trust that she is being honest?
- Does the agency provide counseling for birthmothers before AND after the baby is born? Thorough counseling can decrease the risk of a birthmother changing her mind once the baby is born.
- Does the agency make every effort to find the birthfather to have him sign the relinquishment papers? Many agencies will not bother to do so.
- If the baby needs to go to foster care right after he or she is born, do they have someone on staff who can be the foster parent? If not, do they have someone they work with?
- Does the agency act as an intermediary between birthfamily and adoptive family when it comes to communication between the two?
- What is the expected waiting period, do they have a waiting list?
- There are tax incentives for adopting a child; will the agency be able to help you come tax season?
- Does the agency require the adoptive family to be members of the same church? Sam was raised Baptist and I am Catholic; our application was rejected because we did not grow up in the same church, even though we worship together and have discussed how we will raise our children extensively.

I know this list seems overwhelming; pace yourself! It's not so bad :) Say a little prayer before you start, and have a notebook where you can take notes about each agency you call.

Next post: We found our agency! Now what? (AKA: The Home Study).

(Image credit: http://www.guardian.co.uk/money/2013/jan/07/child-benefit-who-entitled-what)

Open Letter to Our First Miracle

Hello Sweetheart,

I can't believe I'm writing you for the first time, ever. Your Daddy and I are so, so excited and hopeful; we can't wait to meet you..! You may not exist in this Earth yet, but you have been in God's plans all along. He knows that your Daddy and I have been so eager to grow our little family, and He has provided a way for it to happen. Praise Him for His love, and faithfulness!

Last night I dreamed of you for the first time. It was... SUCH a happy dream! I held you in my arms, and you felt so good, so heavenly, so perfect. I'm trying to keep patient while we wait for you; as we wait, we have been preparing for your arrival: we have your crib, your car seat, even some precious little clothes for you. I have imagined a wonderful nursery that I hope you'll love, and little by little it's coming together. Sometimes I get stressed because I want everything to be just perfect for when you arrive, but I am realizing that this "waiting period" is precious; so rather than worrying about things, I am thinking more and more of you, and how delicious it will be when you complete us.

I want to be the best mom I can be for you; I know your Daddy feels the same way. We love you so much, and will joyfully and patiently wait as long as we need to wait until God decides we are ready for His most wonderful gift for us: you.

Forever in love with you,

Mommy

A Newfound Appreciation for the Beatitudes

I know it sounds cliché for some people. But I need to testify about the most special and humbling part of our infertility journey.

I spent over a year of my life living without a breath of life in me: crying, tormented by thoughts about my inadequacy to conceive and be “a real woman”, not able to see or speak to those who were expecting a child of their own. I hit absolute rock bottom twice, I believe. I kept being told that giving it all up to God was what would heal me. I even began to get annoyed at the number of times I heard the same thing. But I finally reached a point where I, quite literally, could not stand my inability to do anything about my infertility; after all, I’m usually one to think, “Okay, this is the situation. What can I do about it?”, and soon after my mind has carefully crafted a plan to resolve the issue. But not this time. I became so sick of my own helplessness that I wanted to crawl out of my body and forget about the pain. And yet I was stuck. I wonder if this is the place where many people decide to do drugs, cut themselves, or even take their own lives; I don’t know. What I do know is that I finally said, “Okay… I’m done fighting. I’m so tired… God… take it. Do with it whatever you like. I’m done.” Around this time, Sam and I also began studying the Bible together. It was right around this time when I began to see light in my life again.

We began to study the Beatitudes. “Blessed are the poor in spirit; for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.”

I never truly understood this passage until a few weeks ago; poor in spirit… who IS poor in spirit? Well… it’s someone who has been broken by this earthly life; someone who acknowledges and accepts his or her own inability to do anything without Him. Someone who is poor in spirit is begging, spiritually speaking, for relief and rest. When I heard this explanation, I realized that this Beatitude was entirely about me. After all, I could not find a more perfect word to describe the state of my soul.

Broken.

You would think that this realization (that little ol’ headstrong and independent me was broken) would've brought me profound grief. I had been denying the bad shape I was in since June of 2011; but, along with the admission of my brokenness, I also concluded that I NEEDED to be broken. Just like a wild horse needs to be tamed into gentle submission, my impetuous and often stubborn heart HAD to be subdued to His will. Nothing else could have broken me as much as the shattering of my pride. Infertility took me on a rollercoaster that went from needless pride to quiet humility. While on that bumpy ride, I often asked God, “why??”, and “when will you listen to my pleas?”. *sigh*. Little did I know, I needed to be WILLING to accept His will; I had to let go of my own reins.

So, here I am. I’m lucky to feel alive again. I’m sure that our adoption journey has brought me new hope, but I also know that if we would've started the adoption process six months ago, I would not be able to freely talk about our infertility, and see our loved ones who are waiting to meet their babies soon.

Praise be to He who has breathed new life into me.

Permission to Feel Joy

This past Sunday Sam and I attended an all-day seminar on the adoption process, held at the San Antonio branch of Adoption  Affiliates. Even though we had already decided to work with this agency, the seminar further assured us that this is the perfect fit for us. I’m so excited I could talk about it all day long..!

The seminar covered a wide range of adoption-related topics, answering questions from “how does a birthmother feel when going through this process?” to “what kind of car seats should we think about getting?”. We got to hear stories directly from a birthmother and two couples who have become parents through AA: how the branch directors at AA (Jan and Julie) went above and beyond helping them through the process; how they were extensively counseled on coping with all these changes, how they still care even though it’s been a couple of years since the formal process ended. The sense of peace seen in these people, from their grateful words down to their body language, made us feel like we were in the process of not only becoming parents, but becoming family with this agency.

We were one out of six couples that attended the seminar; it’s funny how total strangers can instantly feel a strong connection the second they begin to share their stories with one another. Even though specific reasons for infertility varied among us, the deep longing and sense of humility in that room was palpable. For a split second I thought, “Sooo… a birthmother could pick us… or any of these other couples”, but instead of feeling “competitive” about it, I felt very hopeful and happy that we were all there, together, with one common hope: to expand our families and love a child.

So, a few of the many things we learned:

-          Many birthmothers are NOT teenage girls, as you would believe. The birthmother we met was 29 years old when she got pregnant with her third child, and since she is strongly opposed to abortion and could not take care of so many children, decided to give her child up for adoption. She still receives letters and photos from the adoptive family, and the little girl knows she has a birthmother (even though she’s only two years old). She is so happy that the girl is in wonderful hands.

-          Older people, as a general rule, tend to have a harder time accepting adoption as a safe way to become parents. This made me feel much better, since my grandma has been having a hard time understanding why we have decided to adopt. She believes that Sam and I “don’t have enough faith in God”, and wishes we would wait until a miracle happened. It’s been one of the hardest things to deal with, because it’s easy to feel like we’re being rejected for our decision. But, hearing stories about why older people react this way to adoption gave me a better understanding, and hopefully more patience too.

-          We should be getting ready for baby, after all. One of the most important things this seminar gave me was permission to feel excitement; permission to buy crib, look up bottle brands, etc. But, they do recommend that we wait until baby has been placed in our home before there is a baby shower. They explained that every once in a while they do have birthmothers who change their mind after all, so it is wise to wait until baby is home.

So, we have turned in the formal application paperwork and have now entered phase 2: home study, letter to birthparents, and profile (AKA cute album with photos of us and our life together). Here we go..!

(Image found here: http://peanutbutteronthekeyboard.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/holding-hands.jpg)

Baby Room Color Palette

I've been away for so long, that I haven't mentioned that we found the adoption agency we'll be working with. So, we did! The Agency is Adoption Affiliates, from San Antonio. We met with the director of the agency about a month or so ago, loved her AND everything we learned about the agency. So we're in the process of filling out the application paperwork, and on October 28th we'll attend an all-day seminar where we'll get to meet families that have come together through the agency, as well as women who have given their children up for adoption and other waiting families. The Lord has, at last, given us a ray of hope.

So, I've started clearing out the guest room so one day with the Lord's blessing, it will be full of baby things. Like I said in my previous post, it's a different kind of "nesting mode" because we don't know when baby will come. However, since we expect to be officially on the waiting list some time early 2013, we technically need to have the baby essentials in case we're called sooner than we expect.

So far, everything we have thought about discussing: making room in the guest room's closet, looking for a crib, etc., I've been quite cautious about my excitement. No necessarily on purpose, it's just that... I guess I'm afraid to be happy all the way. I know, I know: "afraid" should not be in my vocabulary, if I know the Lord carries us through all trials, all moments in our lives. I just don't want to hope that a birthmother will pick us soon, and that we'll be parents by next summer. But, there is one thing that I HAVE been getting excited about...

Baby room's colors! Furniture! My passion for color and design combined with... my incredible yearning to be a mom!!! So, after doing a bit of sketching the past few days, I came up with a really cute color palette today, I think:

I have been dreaming about painting a tree silhouette in the room, and this was my "anchor idea" for the whole thing. After considering several wall colors, I decided on Sherwin Williams' "Cargo Pants", which is a very soothing, very light green. The rest of the colors, well, need to stay pretty neutral since we won't know until last minute whether it will be a "he" or a "she". So:
- The tree will be white, and it will feature leaves of all colors. There will also be an owl, which I'm thinking will be the "boy" or "girl" part of the tree design. Kind of like the owl that I LOVE in this picture:

- I have a mobile made out of real tree branches and beautiful little birds that I painted (will HAVE to write a whole other post on that), so that will go beautifully with the tree, etc.
- Since the room is fairly small AND we will have to leave the full-size guest bed there, I decided the crib cannot be a dark brown, as I initially thought. Instead, we'll buy a white crib to help "lighten" the room. The only dark piece will be the tea cart shown in the sketch, I think I'm going to love seeing it there..!
- The bedding for the guest bed won't be just white... just wanted to keep it "open for ideas". Same with more specific decorating items like stuffed animals, etc.
- I bought this beautiful antique mirror a few months ago and haven't really found a place for it.. until now :) It will go, as you see in the sketch, above the tea cart. I knew the whimsical design of that mirror was lovely.. :)

Anyway... I'm SO excited to have this started. Yippee! :)

About Baby Showers.

What can I say, it's been so long that I'm not done with my thoughts.

We have started the "nesting process"... somewhat. We haven't finished filling out the paperwork yet, which makes it a little strange, I guess. Maybe it's that in getting to hold my niece, "baby mode" is slowly settling back within me. It's a variant of a typical "baby mode", though.

I imagine that a woman who's blessed enough to become pregnant begins to realize just how many things need to be set up and get done before baby arrives once she notices changes in her body. These changes: the morning sickness, the slowly burgeoning belly, the ultrasounds... all these things function like police sirens, reminding her that a room must be set up, and that an array of new things must be purchased: bottles, burping towels, onesies, diapers, receiving blankets...

I don't get to feel any physical changes. We don't get to have a "due date". Instead, we hope that someone will pick us. Once picked, we hope she doesn't change her mind. We get to hold our breaths and hope for 48 hours once the baby is born. We are not sure of our impending parenthood until two days after the baby has been in this Earth. So because of this, looking at cribs, making room in the guest room's closet for baby things, etc. feels quite odd. I don't feel the absolute joy that biological parents feel. I feel caution. A slightly "sad" joy.

I went to my first baby shower, ever. It was for my good friend from BRW. Since she quit BRW in September, she and her family have moved to Dallas, so I told myself I would make it to her baby shower so I could get to see her: after all, she's the only close friend I have had, here in town, since I graduated from A&M. So I braved through my uncertainty and made it to the shower. For the most part I did... okay I guess. I hardly ever smiled. When the women took turns to say a prayer for my friend... this is what got me. I had to fight to not let tears fall. Hearing over and over things like, "thank you Lord for the beautiful blessing you have bestowed upon so-and-so...", boy, that was hard.

But I soldiered through, and to me, even though I was kind of miserable at the event, it meant that I'm slowly taking one more step toward recovery. I'm still afraid of what will happen when my sister in law or my brother in law's future wife become pregnant... I'm still not looking forward to being reminded of my uniqueness. But I can't worry about that too much, now.

The shower did make me realize one more thing that made me sad: I probably will not get to have a baby shower. As I write this my eyes are watering, and I feel silly for giving this such importance. But really, I just don't see how it would happen. Like I said before, we do not know whether baby will be ours until 48 hours AFTER the baby's been born. So having a shower before knowing this for sure would feel silly and imprudent, and afterwards we'll have a baby. So... yeah, probably not.

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13

P.S.: The hilarious graphic above was found here: http://blog.cornerstorkbabygifts.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/Baby-shower-graphic.jpg . I love Google..!!

Been a While..! Update on Doctors.

Time really has been going by so flippin' fast. I blame my not updating the blog to my beloved lappy, which at almost eight years old now, really is on its last legs. Thankfully we have some money saved up so I can get a brand-new spankin' laptop when this one decides to join lappy heaven.

So anyway... since last time I posted, I decided to go see an OB-GYN who a good friend of mine had recommended. She had said this guy had amazing bedside manners, was understanding and kind, and really cared to listen to his patients. So I thought, "let's try him out..!"

Oh, what a mistake it was. From the moment the man came into the room, he had an attitude with me and I'm not sure why. I can literally write down a "laundry list" of how he was the worst doctor I have met:

- He asked why I was there. After giving him a brief history on our infertility and my need for prescription hormones so I can have a period, he asked, "why do you WANT to have a period?". "Ummm, because I am SUPPOSED to...", to which he proceeded to explain that this was not true (even though EVERY OTHER DOCTOR out there will tell you that a woman is supposed to have at least one period every three months).

- He checked the test results that other doctors had done to me; to which he proceeded to tell me that the results on hand were not enough for him to give me a diagnosis, and that for all he knew, "you could have cancer... or lupus... heck, it could be a number of things!"

- He was super annoyed when I told him that I was on a thyroid supplement. He said that when looking at my numbers, he would never think my problem was thyroid-related. When I asked him what his professional opinion would be when I told him I had: a crippling lack of energy, very cold fingertips and feet, dizzy spells, nausea, very dry skin... he said he thought I was depressed. He even tried to blame SAM for "my being depressed". I would accept this diagnosis if the symptoms would have first shown up in June of 2011, when we learned that my chances of getting pregnant were nearly zero. But I have had these symptoms since I was 12 years old.

- He suggested that I try antidepressants. Enough said.

- When he did the pap smear, he was NOT delicate. It hurt quite a bit and did not seem sympathetic when I said it hurt.

- When he did the breast exam, he did not give me a "warning" (as every other doctor has done, just to be respectful) and instead flung my gown open and started feeling up my breasts.

- Saved the BEST for last: near the end of the appointment, he said, "I prescribed the hormones for you. If I don't hear from you within the next month, I'm going to assume that (a) the hormones I prescribed worked, or (b) you fired me." Just like that.

To be fair, the TWO things he did right were:
- He prescribed bio-identical hormone supplements, as I asked.

- He recommended reproductive endocrinologists for me to see, who would likely have more experience with premature ovarian failure. Right at the beginning he acknowledged that in his 30+ years of medical practice, he had only seen about four other cases of POF. So, why not just shut up..? Why suggest that I may be depressed, likely because my husband is "devastated" at my infertility?

He's lucky I didn't walk off the room. His name is Dr. David Doss, from the Brazos Valley Women's Center.

Anyway. I did end up making an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist in Houston; I will have a phone consultation with her this coming Friday (October 19th). Here's hoping that this lady knows a thing or two about POF. I'm not holding my breath though.

How I Love Projects Like This.

Our present for Shelby, among other little things, was a trio of onesies that I decorated with fabric paint. For the first one, I picked one of Amanda's favorite childhood creations, Butterfritty. Butterfritty is a lovely creature, part cat, part frog, part butterfly that Amanda came up with when she was little. I've always loved it because it's such a wonderful display of innocent and whimsical creativity, and I figured Amanda would appreciate a symbol of her happy childhood (and the many happy moments that await her and Tim, as they see Shelby grow up). So here are a couple of photos I took of the process:

First, I sketched what Butterfritty should look like, based on an actual "model" that Amanda built when she was little (thankfully, Sam was able to give me a sketch to help jog my memory of what it looked like). Then, I scanned the image and sized it in Photoshop. I then printed the image at full scale, and placed it under the front side of the onesie. Luckily I was able to see through the material well enough to paint over it:

Greens first...

Then pink, blue, yellow...

Bad photo take at night, but... finished product!

iPhone photo, showing the little frog "footprints" I added, too:

Second onesie, no "process" photos but finished product only. This one shows Dizzey, a fainting goat that's a favorite of Amanda's, too:

And the third (simplest) of all (it still had to have a butterfly in the design):

I really enjoyed working on these; it always reminds me of working at the daycare and coming up with new ideas for the kiddos in our class. How I love stuff like this...!

Another Diagnosis. *BIG SIGH*.

So this Summer I have been having allergy problems (which I've never had before). I've also had a sleuth of weird things going on, like losing tons of hair (more than usual), super-dry skin, muscle cramps, fatigue to the point of being absolutely worthless when I get home, difficulty concentrating, feeling more cold-natured than usual... etc, etc. Many of these symptoms I've had for a long time, but the fatigue has been far worse than usual lately: it's exasperating.

While I was visiting with my new allergy doctor, he asked me questions about my overall energy levels and whatnot, since according to him, hormones and allergy problems go hand-in-hand many times. So he ordered a range of blood testing on me. The nurse got FOUR FLIPPIN' vials out of me by the way, which was insane. Yesterday I had my follow-up with him, and got to hear another diagnosis, and possible cause for my ovaries not working: hypothyroidism.

He actually mentioned "Wilson's thyroid disease" which is not at all recognized as a medical condition. In fact, many many doctors say that it's a bogus diagnosis, and that the symptoms that have been used to describe this disease (many are outlined above) are psychological in nature.

Oh sure!!! My dry skin and hair loss are clear signs of me going mental. Anyway... it turns out that this Wilson thyroid disease has been claimed to be a mild case of hypothyroidism, but one which can deeply affect many women. This allergy doctor put me on "sustained release T3", a type of thyroid, to help increase my energy levels, help reduce weight gain from low thyroid, reduce my difficulty concentrating, etc. However he recommended that I find an OB-GYN who is willing to work with me and is willing to focus on finding the proper estrogen/progesterone dosages for me. He suggested that I take bio-identical hormones, which are better than the synthetic hormones that often come in birth control pills.

The problem is... it is NOT at all easy to find a doctor who is willing to "walk that extra mile" to help one patient find balance. I have seen some doctors, some willing to help, some not so willing to do anything; and it's physically and mentally exhausting to go through it. I keep paying co-pays to doctors who either don't know what to do with me, or are not willing to do more than prescribing birth control.

I have an appointment with a doctor on September 20th. I have not read great reviews on this doctor, but I've got to try someone else. There is one great doctor who doesn't have any openings until mid-November; I'll probably set up an appointment with her as well, in case the first doctor doesn't work.

*sigh*. I'm afraid and not looking forward to this. I'm afraid to see that helpless look in a new doctor's face and hear, yet again, "you've got very serious hormonal imbalances going on, but I don't know what to do..." I am willing to try this thyroid supplement, though I have read some serious possible side effects and that scares me, too. But I have to try something.

Yesterday I went to help my good friend Janelle pack for her and her family's big move to Dallas. I'll miss her a lot. While I was very happy and glad to be able to help, it did affect me some to see her 6+ month pregnant belly, and her son running around the house. Through this condition, this seeming curse, I am learning a great deal about humility (which makes me wonder if in some way, this curse is truly... a gift). However, in the past week or so: (a) we have been rejected by a Christian agency for not belonging to the same Christian denomination; (b) I have been yet again told that my body's not at all working right, and have learned of another possible diagnosis which will require me to try a medication that may result in very serious side effects; and (c) been particularly weak, physically first which in turn makes me weak spiritually.

I'm ready for some good news. At some point, soon. I would love to hear some good news for us. 

When Believing is not Enough... Apparently

Well, we have been rejected by the first adoption agency that we sent application papers to. It turns out that being a practicing, believing Christian couple is not enough for this agency: instead, we should have belonged to the same church.

Aggieland Pregnancy Outreach (APO) seemed like a very fair (not to mention cost-effective) adoption agency. Their information packet and application paperwork were well organized, and they seemed to be genuinely interested in bring Christian families and children who need a loving home together. They also don't have differential pricing for children of different races, as other agencies do. We had been warned that APO had somewhat strict requirements when it comes to selecting adoptive families, but we truly hoped that by setting up a meeting and explaining our beliefs, they could better understand that we fully intend to raise our children as believers in our Father, who so loved us that He gave His only Son in sacrifice, to save us all. We could have explained so much... It just seems a bit ridiculous to not even give us a chance. Instead, I got a "please let me know if you would like to discuss further, but you currently do not meet our requirements..."

But, I guess this was not meant to be. In all honesty, I feared we would be considered "undesirable" because of this very same reason; but I also hoped that they would let us show them how much love we're ready to give a child. I understand if they want to have their requirements, and want to reject us. Okay. What ticked me off is that we sent our application about two weeks ago, and never got a "hey we got your application, thank you for your interest" email, or anything. The only reason we finally heard from the Director is because I emailed him to make sure he got our paperwork, so he then replied. If you're going to reject someone, LET THEM KNOW! We have been looking at other agencies as well, but were also on standby to see what they said about us.

I guess this was not meant to be. Onto the next agency.

I'm So Ready.

Today was a very good day. I went to work at the daycare where I've been doing part-time work for 10 years or so. The Director asked me just a couple of weeks ago if it affected me to hear and see babies around me, and I'd explained that it depended on how I was doing that day, emotionally. Today was a good day.

As I came back from my lunch break, I realized that there were three babies crying in the infant room right behind the office where I was working. There was also one teacher there who was trying to feed a fourth baby, so I thought I'd go in to help. I sat on the floor and began talking to the chubby baby boy who couldn't quite crawl yet, while I tried to rock another boy about 3 months old. The lady who was there said that the itty bitty one was probably hungry and handed me a bottle; so I sat down with him, tried to feed him but realized that he really didn't care to eat. Since he kept crying on and off, I swaddled him with his blankie and began walking around the room while swinging him. Oh, I was in heaven. It felt good to realize that I haven't "lost my touch" with babies. When I used to work full time at the daycare, sometimes teachers would ask me to come into their rooms so I could help a baby feel better. I don't know why, but I have always been particularly good with babies, and they almost always love me from the second they see me. So this afternoon, God gave me a piece of heaven.

It's been quite difficult to accept that we may need to wait two years until we can become parents. Two years until I can hold a baby at home and make him or her our child. Today made me want to wear a t-shirt in public that says, "Looking to adopt a baby soon!". Which surprisingly enough, women have tried SUCCESSFULLY by locating a birthmother of their own.

*Sigh*. I'm very much hanging on to His Promise. Because there is no other way I will be able to wait that long without Him.

Keepin' It Real: lows at work.

The past two weeks or so have been pretty rough. My hormonal state was at the perfect progesterone-high for me to be extremely down when Sam's niece was born. I hesitated on whether or not to post about my personal prayers from about a week ago while at work, but in order to keep considering this blog my personal journal, I find it essential to stick to my "disclose all" policy.

So, about a week ago at work as I furiously battled tears, I wrote this:

"Every time when I think the pain is starting to subside and I feel I can begin to move on, a child is born to someone we know, or someone posts photos of their newborn child on Facebook, or someone announces their pregnancy... I'm feeling tempted to resent you, Lord, I cannot fight this battle without you. Hear my plight Lord, let me put on your armor so that I may get out of this depression... my heart, my whole being aches. I have a knot in my throat and tears I'm fighting to keep from dropping. Infertility is such a horrible agony. Free me, O Lord, from these demons that torment me; help me move on to the place where You want me to be. I'm powerless without You, Lord; I beg You, listen to my plight..." 

A part of me felt awful about not being able to see my sister (sister-in-law really, but I love her so) and her beautiful baby girl. That day, as the delivery time approached, I prayed and pleaded that both momma and baby would be okay. I checked my Facebook a hundred times, waiting for Shelby's first photos. I could feel the excitement, but it was all cloaked with such a mournful sadness. I'm working on a present for Shelby and this somehow makes me feel better, because it makes me realize that I will see them fairly soon. I'll have to time it just right so that I'll be in the chock-full estrogen part of my cycle, as the odds of being content are so much higher then. 

We have also begun calling adoption agencies and are slowly learning about the process. It's a daily struggle to accept that becoming parents will likely take a year and a half, at minimum. This is twice the amount of time a woman is pregnant, and it means spending so, so much more money than if it could happen "the natural way". I'm trying to move on from what we could've had because, well... nothing comes out of that. But like I said in my prayer, permanent infertility is agony. A cyclical agony.

I found this article titled "Infertility Etiquette", which I found quite interesting in that, the writer herself KNOWS. Women like her are the only ones whom I can truly, truly relate to. It reminds me that I'm not alone, even though many times I do feel pretty lonely. This particular fragment gives a very accurate description of the struggle:

"Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.

The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal."

http://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

No more.

We have started the adoption process. I'm done getting my hopes up and feeling like a fool a few days later. My body will not do this, and I just don't want to lose all our money on less than 5% hopes. I'm done!!!!!!!!!

I know that when we find out little one, we will be THE happiest couple, ever. But we're not there yet, and are still reeling because of our inability to have children naturally. So, as Sam very eloquently put it, "this is a solemn decision we have made" after many tears have been shed, and after being broken by this; this is not a cause for celebration just yet. I was finally brave enough to talk about our fertility problems and decision to move on with adoption, and a lot of people have congratulated us and whatnot. Very nice and well-meaning thoughts from people we care about tons... but we're not celebrating yet.

So. Next step, here we come.

PMS / Maternal yearnings

Strange title, huh? Well, I am indeed hoping that my down mood from the past few days is PMS, which means that a) the tea has again helped me have a period, and b) the weepiness will go away soon.

How cruel can infertility be. Because of unstable hormone levels, I every so often experience symptoms which typically present themselves during pregnancy: elevated libido, food cravings/habits, deep nausea, weight gain, body temperature changes. And as hard as I try to not think about it much, every time I experience these symptoms I wonder if the miracle we have been hoping for has happened. The past few days have been chock-full of these symptoms. Often, as I (foolishly?) let pregnancy hopes creep into my mind, thoughts like the following (which I wrote today, while at work) inundate me:

"Are you there...? Or am I imagining, wishing that you CAN be there...? The Holy hand of our Father can create you, and I could feel you there... What if this is not His will? Will you remain a lost dream forever...? Whether you ever come to exist or not, I love you, so much. A few nights ago I even dreamed about you; I held you in my arms, and I felt such a powerful maternal instinct that I still felt it when I woke up...I so wish that I could hold you..."

*sigh*, very much hoping I go back to happy soon....

An Anniversary.

It's been a year, now. A year of many tears wetting my pillow at night. Many prayers. Many consoling hugs with my hubby. One very wonderful dream potentially shattered. And one ongoing process of acceptance, thankfulness and loving worship despite this, the biggest of our trials so far.

The curious thing (and a good, unexpected sign) is that the day of the one-year anniversary since I was given my diagnosis, the three little words which have completely changed our outlook on our family-building dreams... I didn't remember about it. I was quite shocked once I realized that a week had gone by since June 13th, and it just hadn't crossed my mind.

It must mean that I'm in a better place, overall. I still have some tough bridges to cross, and I expect to be able to cross them at some point. But I'm not planning on pushing myself to do so. I'm happy and welcome all progress I have made, and patiently look forward to the days when my face won't become one of deep sadness when I see a mother with her child. I know I'll get there, it'll just take some time.

I have learned to put myself first more often. I know it sounds selfish, but in the past few months I have come to know other infertile women who in order to please other people and avoid hurting feelings, have forced themselves to be in situations they were not ready to be in, and will hate themselves for doing so later on. These women advice other "infertile newbies" like myself to take our time, to not make the mistakes they have made or we may inadvertently take a step back in our healing process. And I have come to realize that by putting my well-being first, I am indeed happier and our household is happier. Doing this has also allowed me to talk to my sister in law and friend from BRW (both pregnant) and be at peace with it. The path to acceptance is a long one, but I can see progress.

I only have God to thank for this. He has not abandoned us, and after what seems like the longest year of our lives, we have begun to be quiet and listen to Him. To feel His holy and Perfect presence with us.

It's been a year, now. Life is finally beginning to be beautiful again.