Sharing our Knowledge: Looking for an Adoption Agency

We're about to enter our third "waiting" month; the baby's room is slowly taking shape, and things seem to be... nice, calm, and happy. It's been an amazing year so far, and I pray that we remain focused on the many blessings to come, no matter how long we need to wait.

Our path to adoption was not an easy one; after being diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF), it took me about a year to grieve our infertility, break down emotionally, give in to His will, and move on to where we are now. Sam, being the "perfect for me" husband that he is, patiently waited as I moved on from overwhelming sense of loss to quiet hope. Once I was ready to look into adoption, I wanted to find as much information as possible on how to get started: websites, books, friends of friends who have adopted... you name it.

So, even though I know there are a billion information sources out there on the adoption topic, I thought it would be good to construct a guideline on how to start this journey, based on our own experiences and research. Consider this Part 1 in what I'm sure will be a developing series for anyone trying to figure out where to start. Since we are working with a private adoption agency, this is where my focus will be.


Which Type of Agency to go with?

The decision to adopt our baby through a private agency was based on several factors:

- We briefly considered international adoption, but soon learned that a prospective adoptive family needs to travel to the child's country of origin at least twice: once to receive that government's approval to adopt a child, and once to pick up your child and bring him/her back home. While we deeply respect families who feel called to do this, we decided there were plenty of children here in the U.S. who needed a family and a home. Also, we decided that travel abroad and associated expenses was not for us (POF = low energy to begin with!). I have read that international adoptions can run from $20,000 up to $50,000 depending on which country you adopt from and which agency you go with; this is a pretty healthy range and gives families more flexibility as far as expected expenses goes.

- We also read about lawyer-facilitated adoptions, where the adoptive couple looks for a birthmother on their own; the lawyer may or may not specialize in adoption. This route allows families to get creative a far a finding potential birthmothers: I read about a couple who literally wore "We're Expecting... to Adopt a Child Soon!" t-shirts during family outings around town, and they found their birthmother this way. I have to say, we wanted to feel a bit more protected; we felt that a private agency with years of experience handling the process would be a better source of knowledge for us, in all aspects of adoption (rather than just the legal part). We also wanted to find an agency that provided counseling services to potential birthmothers, to help them realize the emotions of loss that come with having their child placed for adoption.

-  We met with an agency that specializes in adoption through the state of Texas (adoption and foster-to-adopt), but after learning that a child may be taken away from our home up to 18 months after receiving him or her into our home, Sam told me that he didn't think I would be able to handle this emotionally speaking, especially being our first child. We are considering this route for the future though, since the U.S. foster care system has SO many children starving for love. One major positive: costs are significantly lower (I'm talking as low as $5,000) when adopting a child through the state.

- We also called into some big-name, nationwide adoption agencies that advertise all over the country. The idea of larger exposure (which likely results in being picked much sooner) was very appealing, but given the fact that some states give birthmothers a much longer period of time to change their mind about the process (California allows SIX weeks after the baby is born!), we decided against this approach. Our adoption agency, Adoption Affiliates, is based in Oklahoma and Texas; in Oklahoma, the birthmother must go to court in person to voice her desire to relinquish parental rights; Texas has a "48 hours after birth" stipulation for signing relinquishment papers.

What to Ask Adoption Agencies...
I strongly recommend that families searching for an adoption agency has a list of questions to ask all agencies they contact. In my experience, some agencies are very generous when it comes to offering you information over the phone, while some have to hear you almost beg for information before they give you details. The list below is by no means a comprehensive one, but should be a good place to start:

- Ask for a detailed fee breakdown: We found that agencies that provide you with a detailed description of where your money will go tend to be more transparent and open when it comes to money. Many agencies have hidden fees they will not mention unless you ask many questions; we stayed away from these. In the fee breakdown, the following questions should be answered:
       - Does the agency charge different fees if you adopt a child of a specific race? One agency we spoke with charges 1.5 times more money for a Caucasian child than for a child with full African-American heritage.
       - Most agencies have some type of introductory meeting, where they will meet in a classroom-type setting. What do they charge for this? We saw fees ranging from $100 to $600.
       - What are the expected legal fees? Do they have a lawyer on staff, or can they recommend someone to work with?
       - Who will pay for hospital fees? What happens if the baby is born premature and/or the mother has complications and needs to stay at the hospital longer than expected, who pays for this?
       - Do the fees change if the birthmother is carrying multiple babies? One agency we spoke with charges $7,000 extra per additional baby.
       - Are there any other fees nos listed on the fee breakdown that you need to be aware of?
     
- Does the agency test birthmothers for drug use and STIs, or do they just ask her about it and trust that she is being honest?
- Does the agency provide counseling for birthmothers before AND after the baby is born? Thorough counseling can decrease the risk of a birthmother changing her mind once the baby is born.
- Does the agency make every effort to find the birthfather to have him sign the relinquishment papers? Many agencies will not bother to do so.
- If the baby needs to go to foster care right after he or she is born, do they have someone on staff who can be the foster parent? If not, do they have someone they work with?
- Does the agency act as an intermediary between birthfamily and adoptive family when it comes to communication between the two?
- What is the expected waiting period, do they have a waiting list?
- There are tax incentives for adopting a child; will the agency be able to help you come tax season?
- Does the agency require the adoptive family to be members of the same church? Sam was raised Baptist and I am Catholic; our application was rejected because we did not grow up in the same church, even though we worship together and have discussed how we will raise our children extensively.

I know this list seems overwhelming; pace yourself! It's not so bad :) Say a little prayer before you start, and have a notebook where you can take notes about each agency you call.

Next post: We found our agency! Now what? (AKA: The Home Study).

(Image credit: http://www.guardian.co.uk/money/2013/jan/07/child-benefit-who-entitled-what)

Been a While..! Update on Doctors.

Time really has been going by so flippin' fast. I blame my not updating the blog to my beloved lappy, which at almost eight years old now, really is on its last legs. Thankfully we have some money saved up so I can get a brand-new spankin' laptop when this one decides to join lappy heaven.

So anyway... since last time I posted, I decided to go see an OB-GYN who a good friend of mine had recommended. She had said this guy had amazing bedside manners, was understanding and kind, and really cared to listen to his patients. So I thought, "let's try him out..!"

Oh, what a mistake it was. From the moment the man came into the room, he had an attitude with me and I'm not sure why. I can literally write down a "laundry list" of how he was the worst doctor I have met:

- He asked why I was there. After giving him a brief history on our infertility and my need for prescription hormones so I can have a period, he asked, "why do you WANT to have a period?". "Ummm, because I am SUPPOSED to...", to which he proceeded to explain that this was not true (even though EVERY OTHER DOCTOR out there will tell you that a woman is supposed to have at least one period every three months).

- He checked the test results that other doctors had done to me; to which he proceeded to tell me that the results on hand were not enough for him to give me a diagnosis, and that for all he knew, "you could have cancer... or lupus... heck, it could be a number of things!"

- He was super annoyed when I told him that I was on a thyroid supplement. He said that when looking at my numbers, he would never think my problem was thyroid-related. When I asked him what his professional opinion would be when I told him I had: a crippling lack of energy, very cold fingertips and feet, dizzy spells, nausea, very dry skin... he said he thought I was depressed. He even tried to blame SAM for "my being depressed". I would accept this diagnosis if the symptoms would have first shown up in June of 2011, when we learned that my chances of getting pregnant were nearly zero. But I have had these symptoms since I was 12 years old.

- He suggested that I try antidepressants. Enough said.

- When he did the pap smear, he was NOT delicate. It hurt quite a bit and did not seem sympathetic when I said it hurt.

- When he did the breast exam, he did not give me a "warning" (as every other doctor has done, just to be respectful) and instead flung my gown open and started feeling up my breasts.

- Saved the BEST for last: near the end of the appointment, he said, "I prescribed the hormones for you. If I don't hear from you within the next month, I'm going to assume that (a) the hormones I prescribed worked, or (b) you fired me." Just like that.

To be fair, the TWO things he did right were:
- He prescribed bio-identical hormone supplements, as I asked.

- He recommended reproductive endocrinologists for me to see, who would likely have more experience with premature ovarian failure. Right at the beginning he acknowledged that in his 30+ years of medical practice, he had only seen about four other cases of POF. So, why not just shut up..? Why suggest that I may be depressed, likely because my husband is "devastated" at my infertility?

He's lucky I didn't walk off the room. His name is Dr. David Doss, from the Brazos Valley Women's Center.

Anyway. I did end up making an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist in Houston; I will have a phone consultation with her this coming Friday (October 19th). Here's hoping that this lady knows a thing or two about POF. I'm not holding my breath though.

P-A-T-I-E-N-C-E. Patience.

I can now see why so many women struggling with infertility become obsessed with trying to get pregnant. Ever since Dr. K. in Austin prescribed this plan we're following, it's made me think about the possibility of becoming a mother that much more.

So a brief (hopefully) recap: only two days after returning from our trip to Austin, after Sam and I had definitively decided to begin the adoption process, and after 15 months of not having had a period... I had one. I did not know what the heck to think, but I decided to call Dr. K. and see if this changed his initial reaction to our case. He immediately ordered further blood work to check my FSH and estradiol levels; my FSH had dramatically lowered to 38, from the initial 130. My estradiol was low, but not too low. So Dr. K. did some research and after a few days, suggested a plan to try to get us pregnant naturally. There's only about 33% chances it will work, but we were more than willing to try this: it was something, at least. The plan consists of three phases: phase 1--I take ethinyl estradiol for two weeks; phase 2--ethinyl estradiol plus an FSH compound; and phase 3--I take something else... HCG? Can't remember. I do know that while I take the FSH, he wants to perform several ultrasounds to make sure that my ovaries are not being overly stimulated. Ever since I started taking the ethinyl estradiol, I've had fertile mucus so we're taking advantage of that.

All these developments have been exciting, nerve-wrecking and ever-present in my mind, primarily because I have to take the ethinyl estradiol three times a day (so how could I NOT think about it, right?). We bought pregnancy tests; and even though I know this is not the time to take one yet (it's just way too early), I took one today. I couldn't contain myself anymore, I had to know. As I should've known based on what I now know about the menstrual cycle, the test came back negative. I began having negative feelings right away: "what if this doesn't happen?...what if I've built up hopes for nothing?..."what IF...!!!?". *sigh*. I promise, I really wish sometimes that I could turn it off. This is exhausting, mentally speaking.

Tonight at church, I once again prayed fervently that the Holy Spirit help me accept God's will, if His will is that we adopt. I need to be gracious with our Lord and Creator, and with His perfect will. I need to be prepared. I felt somewhat ashamed that I took a pregnancy test today knowing that it likely wouldn't show anything, because it showed my lack of trust in the Lord. No matter how many times I take that test, whatever happens cannot be changed by how many times I do that. It may be a bad analogy, but I reminded myself of Moses and how he succumbed to the temptation of hitting the rock with his staff twice, even though God had instructed him to hit the rock only once.

The culprit is, as so many times it's been, my impatience with almost everything. If I could name one wonderful thing that marriage does for a person is this: marriage allows you to see yourself at your best and at your worst; you get to display and face your absolutely best and absolutely worst qualities (and then you go, "Aw crap."). And mine is impatience... maybe this trial, this cross I'm bearing at this time, is God's way to purify my soul and teach me about patience, and trust in Him. In a way, I rejoice at the opportunity to feel humble, to be quiet, and to learn. Quietly, in prayer. I cannot deny that this is painful, not being a mom yet. But my faith in Him has not, and will not go away. This is a trial He must know I can stand, through Him. The beauty of these painful trials is that you get to realize how flippin' helpless you are without Him. And I am so weak, so humbled by this...

A couple of weeks ago when this treatment started, I prayed that God teach me how to leave everything in His hands; let Jesus carry this cross for me. And I have been doing much better these past couple of weeks, but the second the possibility of becoming pregnant looms... I fall to my old tricks again.

A part of me cannot wait. My body has ached with this desire for over a year now, and it's so very hard. But this anxiety goes against Him, and what He wants me to do. I need to calm down. I need to let go. Because as much as I'd like to believe the contrary, I'm not holding down anything, I have power over nothing. Only He does. I get tired of thinking about this all the time, my life is about so much more. I know I'm at a point where motherhood IS my next step as a woman.

How I dream of becoming a mother....!

Post-News

It would be a heck of an understatement to say it's been a rough couple of days. After the initial test results came in, the doctor said she wanted to run a few more tests. The high FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) levels have all but confirmed that I indeed have premature ovarian failure (POF) or premature menopause. So the next step is try to figure out WHY. Either this coming week or next, I will go in for more blood tests which will check my thyroid a second time (levels were OK the first time around but a second check is always necessary), and test for Addison's disease and a chromosomal condition. The doctor will also refer us to a reproductive endocrinologist in Temple.

Since this took place, we have informed our families about it. I also let my boss know, since I may need to take time off if even more tests are ordered. Before I decided to tell him, he was also asking when I would be going back to grad school; and honestly ever since the news came in, I have decided I do not want this extra, silly pressure on me. So I was clear with him: don't mention it again, please. I'm very lucky to have an amazing boss; he completely understood.

I'm also trying to stay busy; I'm almost obsessed with projects (well.. have been for a while). So, I'm in the middle of:

a) Editing photos for a girl I went to college with;

b) Designing menus and calendars for the Eagle's Nest;

c) Helping the girl who cuts my hair come up with interior design ideas for her soon-to-open hair salon.

I'm also considering taking up swimming again. A part of me is very scared of keeping any kind of hope that I will become pregnant (especially since, well, the doctor herself said if she were me, she wouldn't count on it happening), but I have found articles which talk about ways to naturally reduce FSH levels so I'm going to try it. I basically need to get back in shape and just become more active, and reduce my caffeine and salt intake. I also cannot ignore the biggest risks I now face because of having POF: bone loss and heart disease. Yipee-ki-yay.

I'm not as miserable as I sound. We have received some amazing supportive reactions from our families, and I have an AMAZING husband who's being very patient with me as I learn to accept this. I also know that those who love us are praying for us, and we can feel the power of these prayers. Whenever I think of it, I have a short talk with God. I ask for peace of mind and heart. I ask for strength. I ask Him to not let me forget that He is here.

This Post Has No Title.

I really can't think of another way to start this one except than to just talk about it.

Yesterday I started experiencing sharp, shooting pains in my lower right abdominal area; this pain I have only felt a handful of times before, and when I have talked to other women about it I've been told that it's probably ovarian cysts. The first time I had the pain (back in 2007) I didn't have health insurance so I didn't have it checked; the pain can be so strong that I almost have to crouch down while sitting at my desk. This time I decided I'd make an appointment with my ob-gyn; after all, it's obvious that something is not right. I'm glad I finally had the guts to do it.

When I was on the phone to make the appointment, I explained not only the sharp pain but also that I had not had a period for over a year. I said I was concerned because my husband and I have been married for over three years and are beginning to talk about having children. This made the nurse put my appointment as an urgent one, so I was able to have the appointment today. Our NFP practitioner had told us that it was very hard to get a local ob-gyn to do an ultrasound; I knew this statement was at least partially correct, because during my last checkup I mentioned my desire to possibly get an ultrasound done and my ob-gyn said that she didn't think I needed it. This time, the painful episodes I was having made her reconsider: I had an ultrasound done.

Right before she did it, she said she was fairly certain that I had polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS). However what she saw actually puzzled her. You see, if a woman doesn't have a period for a long time and she's not pregnant, it means the ovaries have been producing eggs which haven't been fertilized and the body is not getting rid of them or shedding the lining of the uterus (which is necessary). If the lining of the uterus is not being shed, it thickens. In some cases, it can thicken to the point of becoming "toxic", and that's how cervical cancer can develop (remember, cancer basically means "cells gone bad", i.e. mutated). What my ob-gyn saw was a THIN uterine lining. No evidence of thickened walls. This is when I received the news.

My ovaries have basically shut down; they're not working. Not producing eggs. This explained to her why when she prescribed Prometrium (same as Provera, a synthetic version of progesterone) to help me have a period, it did not work.

I can't produce eggs. I currently cannot get pregnant. I have what is called "premature menopause".

So the next step is trying to find a cause. The doctor ordered blood work done. My LH and FSH levels, thyroid, prolactin, and testosterone levels will be checked. Results are due tomorrow. When I read about premature menopause, several websites say that it is not reversible; that other approaches to having a child should be considered: fertility treatments (such as in vitro), having an egg donor, adoption.

The part of me who has longed to become a mom for a while wants to cry, curl up somewhere and dwell on feeling like a loser for not being a "complete woman" to my husband (I don't think anyone EXCEPT those in my shoes can make sense out of that one), and think that we won't ever be able to see what our baby, made from Sam's and my biological makeups, will look like. It hurts quite a bit.

Another part of me somehow accepts it. For the past few months now, while thinking about our possible problems conceiving, I have wondered if Janelle was put in my path for a reason. Because of her, the idea of adopting has become a much less foreign idea to me. This reminds me that God's plans are so beyond our simple understanding. As I drove home today after the appointment, I suddenly found peace within me. I heard myself say, "I am your servant Lord, may it be done to me according to Your will".

So this is a test. My test. I choose to trust in our Lord, and in His will. Does it mean that I will not cry at all? Absolutely not; as I've been writing this my eyes have inevitably watered several times already. But I have to find strength in Him; knowing that He has a plan and a will for every single one of us provides amazing solace to my sad heart.