Spring Garden.

Thankfully this year we have received lots of rain, and with this, we have been blessed with lots of beautiful flowers in our garden. 3 weeks ago I planted four new plants (Silky Gold Butterfly Weed), and they're all thriving, thank goodness. It would've been a huge blow to my ego to not be able to grow anything from "scratch" (either inside or outside of me, ha ha).

So, here are our most beautiful flowers:

Oleander flowers 

 Bottlebrush

 Silky gold flowers (which as you'll see on the last photo, attract Monarch butterflies and caterpillars)

Knockout roses 

 Caterpillar.! We saw it poop yesterday. There's about 20 of them eating the leaves off the new plants. But it's all good.

Again... crumbling. And rambling.

I almost made it back to happy.

The first time someone I knew became pregnant after being diagnosed with POF, someone told me, "you're a proud woman..." It must be true. I must have the pride of an elephant. Otherwise it would not hurt so, so much when I'm reminded that I'm part of such a small group of women. A select few. 1%.

It's tough to keep faith alive with this. Maybe my faith is just not strong enough. I'm not ashamed to admit it, because we're all weak. I personally seem to have: the pride of an elephant, the faith of an amoeba.

I tire of feeling so minuscule, so helpless. So hopeless. I have prayed to God that He rip off this desire to carry a child. I want it GONE from me, sometimes. The past couple of days I want it gone. If I could just find a way to keep it from hurting so much. Last time, I managed to alienate a whole portion of our family because of this. I hate what I become. Nothing seems important. At work, I literally become glassy-eyed and aimless. I have to push myself to get things done around the house.

And I wish I could be one of those people who when they go through crap, they write on their blogs, "everything has a reason, and I'm confident that God will guide us..." Well, I want to see their weakness, too. I want to see the dark times right before getting to that calm moment. Because that would show their humanity, their brokenness. Everyone breaks. The great King David broke. He begged God to not forsake him. I know I will get there, too; I just... feel so lonely. Three women in our family, including myself, have feared/been diagnosed with "fertility problems". Three. Two are pregnant, in less than a year of "having problems". Guess who's not.......

These are some of the things I wrote today, while at work (thankful for my iPhone):

"Why am I unfit to reproduce? Three women in the family with "fertility problems", yet the other two go on to have big bellies. They go on carrying a child. Why must I be cursed? Why am I not worthy to carry, to sense my own blood growing inside? Hear me O Lord... Have mercy on my devastated soul. I cannot do this for the rest of my life... Please take away this desire if I cannot have a child of my own... I fear this depression lasting for the rest of my life... While I don't desire this on anyone else, if I knew ONE woman out there in our circle of family/friends with the same hopeless case... I would probably not feel as terribly lonely, as I do. The pain is so profound, the isolation so intense. It's horrible to be part of the ONE PERCENT who simply cannot conceive because of this condition.

This cross, Lord... I must need so much cleansing, to be bearing such a heavy cross... I'd been smiling so much lately, I was happy to see myself go back to normal, finally... As if the diagnosis had never happened... I missed being happy. It's gone, again."

I'm tired of tears.

All kinds of women out there get to have babies. Some hate that they got pregnant. Some wish they'd never had kids. Yet, here we are. I'm unable to give children to my loving husband. It breaks me to not be able to. I may not deserve children, who knows; but him? He deserves the world. Sometimes I break down in tears telling him "I'm sorry" repeatedly, because I can't do this.

So we've started looking into adoption. We run the risk of getting our hopes up, and possibly having the birth mother change her mind about giving up the child. We just got to talk to a family who JUST went through this, literally. Building a family, expanding it... I don't know why, but He has decided that it can't be easy for us.

Death and the Search for Rest

Last weekend we went to Austin to celebrate a late Christmas with Sam's sister, her hubby and Mom and Dad Harvey. On Sunday we all went to Amanda and Tim's church, and the pastor reminded me of a thought I had a few weeks ago. He was talking about how humanity in general is essentially looking for rest. Our lives tend to be so jam-packed, that we're constantly running around trying to catch up with the whirls of this life. Meanwhile, Jesus promises us... rest.

The pastor discussed Matthew 11:28-30:

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

The only way we've been able to get through all this is clinging to Him. He is our medicine. He gives us relief unlike anything else. After the months we've had, I came to a realization a few weeks ago that may sound a bit creepy to some. I thought, "I cannot wait to be in Heaven with Him!" To be free from all burdens, free from pain, from stress, from menial earthly things... to spend eternity with Him. Every single thing that clutters my mind... gone. For the fist time in my life, I didn't fear death. What a wonderful joy it is to know that this imperfect world and my imperfect self are not "it".

Bidding Adieu to my Bear

Happy New Year!

Sooo in the spirit of "new year, new beginnings", blah blah, I decided to go through stuff and get rid of anything I hadn't used in a while: clothes, knick knacks, you name it. I've had this flippin' ADORABLE bear for a couple of years now; Sam saw it at a store and bought it for me and I was THRILLED and melted when I first laid eyes on him (you'll see what I mean in a sec). Unfortunately since I'm not 5 years old, I can't carry him around everywhere I go and (blame watching all Toy Story movies this past week) I felt sad for the bear because all he was doing was collecting dust instead of being some kid's plaything.

So I decided to give him up.

But not before taking a bunch of parting shots. I HAD to share them.

Cuddliest stuffed animal ever!

Awwwww

Even his bow is cute...

...so are his paws.

Thanks for the good times, buddy!

November 10th, 2011

This is a day which marked a change in me. While at work looking over wallpaper samples for a project, I suddenly imagined using the samples I didn't use to decorate a dollhouse for our little girl. I quickly texted Sam, telling him that I couldn't wait to adopt a little girl so we could make these sudden visions of mine a reality. I was excited to adopt..!

Above all, I was so very glad that I AM, in fact, making progress. We've been doing the hormone replacement therapy (estrogen and progesterone shots) to help level off my hormones, so things have settled down quite a bit compared to the months when I was at my darkest. I still have off moments, like a few weeks ago when we went to a Christmas special event at Wolfpen Creek, and I became teary-eyed at the sight of little girls all so excited to perform their little dance onstage, while their families looked on, proudly. Overall though, I am so much better; and I am relieved. I feel peace.

It's so easy to read the words in the Bible: "I am your faithful servant, Thy will be done onto me..." In reality though, this is one of THE most difficult things in life: to reroute your own selfish desires, no matter how good or pure they may seem to you, to match those of God. To literally let go, and tell Him that you've stopped trying to take those reins off His hands. But I'm trying.

Because I know you'll read this... eventually

When we married almost four years ago, I didn't think it'd be possible to love you more than I did that day. My heart was filled with joyful love, and full of dreams about the future.

Since our biggest trial yet began in June though, I have realized that my love for you has increased exponentially: I love you intensely, in our happiest times AND in our darkest times. You have shown me a kind of strength I had no idea you had; only God can provide it to those who love Him. I know it breaks you when you see me cry; and I know you stress just as much as I do when you have to give your wife painful progesterone shots. But in the midst of this torturous trial, we have fervently prayed together; have mourned our fertility together; and have slowly begun to come out of this together. And my love for you... wow, it's amazing.

A kiss tastes so much sweeter now; and your embrace... I long for your embrace if we're apart for longer than a regular day's work. If there is beauty in our suffering, unbelievable beauty... this is it, baby.

I love you.

Fall Joy

I love days like today. I love coming home from work, and it's cold enough outside to have the heat on and Sam and I are able to relax and have fun together. We had dinner together; played one of his video games (I loved it, and I'm totally sure it has to do with the fact that it has TWO actions you can do: run and splode. Yep, I spelled that right). And we watched the season 2 finale of "Heroes" (yes, we're very very late watching that show). Now I've got turkey chili cooking, and I'm joyfully watching "Scream 3" as I edit photos. Life IS good.

I missed writing about the great days.