Baby's nursery

Every time I look at the future nursery, I can't help but smile: it truly has been a labor of love for this beautiful miracle we've got coming. Enjoy the photos!

Found these decals on Amazon; they fit so well with the tree! 

Paintings I made 

Future cuddling / reading nook :)

Sketch v. Actual Room :)

Welcome to the New Look!

I have to admit: Blogger does NOT have the best template editor in the world. But I was finally able to put together something more like us, and I'm so happy with it! Welcome :)

P.S.: I didn't do this on purpose, but I just realized this is my 100th post. So woohoo for new blog look, let's pretend I totally did it to celebrate my 100th!

Sharing our Knowledge: Looking for an Adoption Agency

We're about to enter our third "waiting" month; the baby's room is slowly taking shape, and things seem to be... nice, calm, and happy. It's been an amazing year so far, and I pray that we remain focused on the many blessings to come, no matter how long we need to wait.

Our path to adoption was not an easy one; after being diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF), it took me about a year to grieve our infertility, break down emotionally, give in to His will, and move on to where we are now. Sam, being the "perfect for me" husband that he is, patiently waited as I moved on from overwhelming sense of loss to quiet hope. Once I was ready to look into adoption, I wanted to find as much information as possible on how to get started: websites, books, friends of friends who have adopted... you name it.

So, even though I know there are a billion information sources out there on the adoption topic, I thought it would be good to construct a guideline on how to start this journey, based on our own experiences and research. Consider this Part 1 in what I'm sure will be a developing series for anyone trying to figure out where to start. Since we are working with a private adoption agency, this is where my focus will be.


Which Type of Agency to go with?

The decision to adopt our baby through a private agency was based on several factors:

- We briefly considered international adoption, but soon learned that a prospective adoptive family needs to travel to the child's country of origin at least twice: once to receive that government's approval to adopt a child, and once to pick up your child and bring him/her back home. While we deeply respect families who feel called to do this, we decided there were plenty of children here in the U.S. who needed a family and a home. Also, we decided that travel abroad and associated expenses was not for us (POF = low energy to begin with!). I have read that international adoptions can run from $20,000 up to $50,000 depending on which country you adopt from and which agency you go with; this is a pretty healthy range and gives families more flexibility as far as expected expenses goes.

- We also read about lawyer-facilitated adoptions, where the adoptive couple looks for a birthmother on their own; the lawyer may or may not specialize in adoption. This route allows families to get creative a far a finding potential birthmothers: I read about a couple who literally wore "We're Expecting... to Adopt a Child Soon!" t-shirts during family outings around town, and they found their birthmother this way. I have to say, we wanted to feel a bit more protected; we felt that a private agency with years of experience handling the process would be a better source of knowledge for us, in all aspects of adoption (rather than just the legal part). We also wanted to find an agency that provided counseling services to potential birthmothers, to help them realize the emotions of loss that come with having their child placed for adoption.

-  We met with an agency that specializes in adoption through the state of Texas (adoption and foster-to-adopt), but after learning that a child may be taken away from our home up to 18 months after receiving him or her into our home, Sam told me that he didn't think I would be able to handle this emotionally speaking, especially being our first child. We are considering this route for the future though, since the U.S. foster care system has SO many children starving for love. One major positive: costs are significantly lower (I'm talking as low as $5,000) when adopting a child through the state.

- We also called into some big-name, nationwide adoption agencies that advertise all over the country. The idea of larger exposure (which likely results in being picked much sooner) was very appealing, but given the fact that some states give birthmothers a much longer period of time to change their mind about the process (California allows SIX weeks after the baby is born!), we decided against this approach. Our adoption agency, Adoption Affiliates, is based in Oklahoma and Texas; in Oklahoma, the birthmother must go to court in person to voice her desire to relinquish parental rights; Texas has a "48 hours after birth" stipulation for signing relinquishment papers.

What to Ask Adoption Agencies...
I strongly recommend that families searching for an adoption agency has a list of questions to ask all agencies they contact. In my experience, some agencies are very generous when it comes to offering you information over the phone, while some have to hear you almost beg for information before they give you details. The list below is by no means a comprehensive one, but should be a good place to start:

- Ask for a detailed fee breakdown: We found that agencies that provide you with a detailed description of where your money will go tend to be more transparent and open when it comes to money. Many agencies have hidden fees they will not mention unless you ask many questions; we stayed away from these. In the fee breakdown, the following questions should be answered:
       - Does the agency charge different fees if you adopt a child of a specific race? One agency we spoke with charges 1.5 times more money for a Caucasian child than for a child with full African-American heritage.
       - Most agencies have some type of introductory meeting, where they will meet in a classroom-type setting. What do they charge for this? We saw fees ranging from $100 to $600.
       - What are the expected legal fees? Do they have a lawyer on staff, or can they recommend someone to work with?
       - Who will pay for hospital fees? What happens if the baby is born premature and/or the mother has complications and needs to stay at the hospital longer than expected, who pays for this?
       - Do the fees change if the birthmother is carrying multiple babies? One agency we spoke with charges $7,000 extra per additional baby.
       - Are there any other fees nos listed on the fee breakdown that you need to be aware of?
     
- Does the agency test birthmothers for drug use and STIs, or do they just ask her about it and trust that she is being honest?
- Does the agency provide counseling for birthmothers before AND after the baby is born? Thorough counseling can decrease the risk of a birthmother changing her mind once the baby is born.
- Does the agency make every effort to find the birthfather to have him sign the relinquishment papers? Many agencies will not bother to do so.
- If the baby needs to go to foster care right after he or she is born, do they have someone on staff who can be the foster parent? If not, do they have someone they work with?
- Does the agency act as an intermediary between birthfamily and adoptive family when it comes to communication between the two?
- What is the expected waiting period, do they have a waiting list?
- There are tax incentives for adopting a child; will the agency be able to help you come tax season?
- Does the agency require the adoptive family to be members of the same church? Sam was raised Baptist and I am Catholic; our application was rejected because we did not grow up in the same church, even though we worship together and have discussed how we will raise our children extensively.

I know this list seems overwhelming; pace yourself! It's not so bad :) Say a little prayer before you start, and have a notebook where you can take notes about each agency you call.

Next post: We found our agency! Now what? (AKA: The Home Study).

(Image credit: http://www.guardian.co.uk/money/2013/jan/07/child-benefit-who-entitled-what)

Open Letter to Our First Miracle

Hello Sweetheart,

I can't believe I'm writing you for the first time, ever. Your Daddy and I are so, so excited and hopeful; we can't wait to meet you..! You may not exist in this Earth yet, but you have been in God's plans all along. He knows that your Daddy and I have been so eager to grow our little family, and He has provided a way for it to happen. Praise Him for His love, and faithfulness!

Last night I dreamed of you for the first time. It was... SUCH a happy dream! I held you in my arms, and you felt so good, so heavenly, so perfect. I'm trying to keep patient while we wait for you; as we wait, we have been preparing for your arrival: we have your crib, your car seat, even some precious little clothes for you. I have imagined a wonderful nursery that I hope you'll love, and little by little it's coming together. Sometimes I get stressed because I want everything to be just perfect for when you arrive, but I am realizing that this "waiting period" is precious; so rather than worrying about things, I am thinking more and more of you, and how delicious it will be when you complete us.

I want to be the best mom I can be for you; I know your Daddy feels the same way. We love you so much, and will joyfully and patiently wait as long as we need to wait until God decides we are ready for His most wonderful gift for us: you.

Forever in love with you,

Mommy

A Newfound Appreciation for the Beatitudes

I know it sounds cliché for some people. But I need to testify about the most special and humbling part of our infertility journey.

I spent over a year of my life living without a breath of life in me: crying, tormented by thoughts about my inadequacy to conceive and be “a real woman”, not able to see or speak to those who were expecting a child of their own. I hit absolute rock bottom twice, I believe. I kept being told that giving it all up to God was what would heal me. I even began to get annoyed at the number of times I heard the same thing. But I finally reached a point where I, quite literally, could not stand my inability to do anything about my infertility; after all, I’m usually one to think, “Okay, this is the situation. What can I do about it?”, and soon after my mind has carefully crafted a plan to resolve the issue. But not this time. I became so sick of my own helplessness that I wanted to crawl out of my body and forget about the pain. And yet I was stuck. I wonder if this is the place where many people decide to do drugs, cut themselves, or even take their own lives; I don’t know. What I do know is that I finally said, “Okay… I’m done fighting. I’m so tired… God… take it. Do with it whatever you like. I’m done.” Around this time, Sam and I also began studying the Bible together. It was right around this time when I began to see light in my life again.

We began to study the Beatitudes. “Blessed are the poor in spirit; for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.”

I never truly understood this passage until a few weeks ago; poor in spirit… who IS poor in spirit? Well… it’s someone who has been broken by this earthly life; someone who acknowledges and accepts his or her own inability to do anything without Him. Someone who is poor in spirit is begging, spiritually speaking, for relief and rest. When I heard this explanation, I realized that this Beatitude was entirely about me. After all, I could not find a more perfect word to describe the state of my soul.

Broken.

You would think that this realization (that little ol’ headstrong and independent me was broken) would've brought me profound grief. I had been denying the bad shape I was in since June of 2011; but, along with the admission of my brokenness, I also concluded that I NEEDED to be broken. Just like a wild horse needs to be tamed into gentle submission, my impetuous and often stubborn heart HAD to be subdued to His will. Nothing else could have broken me as much as the shattering of my pride. Infertility took me on a rollercoaster that went from needless pride to quiet humility. While on that bumpy ride, I often asked God, “why??”, and “when will you listen to my pleas?”. *sigh*. Little did I know, I needed to be WILLING to accept His will; I had to let go of my own reins.

So, here I am. I’m lucky to feel alive again. I’m sure that our adoption journey has brought me new hope, but I also know that if we would've started the adoption process six months ago, I would not be able to freely talk about our infertility, and see our loved ones who are waiting to meet their babies soon.

Praise be to He who has breathed new life into me.

Permission to Feel Joy

This past Sunday Sam and I attended an all-day seminar on the adoption process, held at the San Antonio branch of Adoption  Affiliates. Even though we had already decided to work with this agency, the seminar further assured us that this is the perfect fit for us. I’m so excited I could talk about it all day long..!

The seminar covered a wide range of adoption-related topics, answering questions from “how does a birthmother feel when going through this process?” to “what kind of car seats should we think about getting?”. We got to hear stories directly from a birthmother and two couples who have become parents through AA: how the branch directors at AA (Jan and Julie) went above and beyond helping them through the process; how they were extensively counseled on coping with all these changes, how they still care even though it’s been a couple of years since the formal process ended. The sense of peace seen in these people, from their grateful words down to their body language, made us feel like we were in the process of not only becoming parents, but becoming family with this agency.

We were one out of six couples that attended the seminar; it’s funny how total strangers can instantly feel a strong connection the second they begin to share their stories with one another. Even though specific reasons for infertility varied among us, the deep longing and sense of humility in that room was palpable. For a split second I thought, “Sooo… a birthmother could pick us… or any of these other couples”, but instead of feeling “competitive” about it, I felt very hopeful and happy that we were all there, together, with one common hope: to expand our families and love a child.

So, a few of the many things we learned:

-          Many birthmothers are NOT teenage girls, as you would believe. The birthmother we met was 29 years old when she got pregnant with her third child, and since she is strongly opposed to abortion and could not take care of so many children, decided to give her child up for adoption. She still receives letters and photos from the adoptive family, and the little girl knows she has a birthmother (even though she’s only two years old). She is so happy that the girl is in wonderful hands.

-          Older people, as a general rule, tend to have a harder time accepting adoption as a safe way to become parents. This made me feel much better, since my grandma has been having a hard time understanding why we have decided to adopt. She believes that Sam and I “don’t have enough faith in God”, and wishes we would wait until a miracle happened. It’s been one of the hardest things to deal with, because it’s easy to feel like we’re being rejected for our decision. But, hearing stories about why older people react this way to adoption gave me a better understanding, and hopefully more patience too.

-          We should be getting ready for baby, after all. One of the most important things this seminar gave me was permission to feel excitement; permission to buy crib, look up bottle brands, etc. But, they do recommend that we wait until baby has been placed in our home before there is a baby shower. They explained that every once in a while they do have birthmothers who change their mind after all, so it is wise to wait until baby is home.

So, we have turned in the formal application paperwork and have now entered phase 2: home study, letter to birthparents, and profile (AKA cute album with photos of us and our life together). Here we go..!

(Image found here: http://peanutbutteronthekeyboard.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/holding-hands.jpg)

Baby Room Color Palette

I've been away for so long, that I haven't mentioned that we found the adoption agency we'll be working with. So, we did! The Agency is Adoption Affiliates, from San Antonio. We met with the director of the agency about a month or so ago, loved her AND everything we learned about the agency. So we're in the process of filling out the application paperwork, and on October 28th we'll attend an all-day seminar where we'll get to meet families that have come together through the agency, as well as women who have given their children up for adoption and other waiting families. The Lord has, at last, given us a ray of hope.

So, I've started clearing out the guest room so one day with the Lord's blessing, it will be full of baby things. Like I said in my previous post, it's a different kind of "nesting mode" because we don't know when baby will come. However, since we expect to be officially on the waiting list some time early 2013, we technically need to have the baby essentials in case we're called sooner than we expect.

So far, everything we have thought about discussing: making room in the guest room's closet, looking for a crib, etc., I've been quite cautious about my excitement. No necessarily on purpose, it's just that... I guess I'm afraid to be happy all the way. I know, I know: "afraid" should not be in my vocabulary, if I know the Lord carries us through all trials, all moments in our lives. I just don't want to hope that a birthmother will pick us soon, and that we'll be parents by next summer. But, there is one thing that I HAVE been getting excited about...

Baby room's colors! Furniture! My passion for color and design combined with... my incredible yearning to be a mom!!! So, after doing a bit of sketching the past few days, I came up with a really cute color palette today, I think:

I have been dreaming about painting a tree silhouette in the room, and this was my "anchor idea" for the whole thing. After considering several wall colors, I decided on Sherwin Williams' "Cargo Pants", which is a very soothing, very light green. The rest of the colors, well, need to stay pretty neutral since we won't know until last minute whether it will be a "he" or a "she". So:
- The tree will be white, and it will feature leaves of all colors. There will also be an owl, which I'm thinking will be the "boy" or "girl" part of the tree design. Kind of like the owl that I LOVE in this picture:

- I have a mobile made out of real tree branches and beautiful little birds that I painted (will HAVE to write a whole other post on that), so that will go beautifully with the tree, etc.
- Since the room is fairly small AND we will have to leave the full-size guest bed there, I decided the crib cannot be a dark brown, as I initially thought. Instead, we'll buy a white crib to help "lighten" the room. The only dark piece will be the tea cart shown in the sketch, I think I'm going to love seeing it there..!
- The bedding for the guest bed won't be just white... just wanted to keep it "open for ideas". Same with more specific decorating items like stuffed animals, etc.
- I bought this beautiful antique mirror a few months ago and haven't really found a place for it.. until now :) It will go, as you see in the sketch, above the tea cart. I knew the whimsical design of that mirror was lovely.. :)

Anyway... I'm SO excited to have this started. Yippee! :)