My Husband, My Hero

Throughout our infertility journey, Sam has been every inch the rock I have needed to lean on: his arms have been open when I've needed a comforting embrace, and his chest has dried countless tears as I clung to him. He's more of a listener than a talker; and I have worried that we may be neglecting HIS own pain: I mean, not being able to produce offspring, that's got to be a big deal for a man. So a couple of times, I have asked him how he feels about not being able to have a baby of our own. He has explained that what affects him most is seeing the pain in me, because he knows that sometimes nothing can make the sadness go away. The other thing that affects him deeply is thinking about events like future Harvey family reunions, where our baby will likely not be eligible for "youngest Harvey in the family", because he or she will not be blood related. But Sam is very much a positive thinker, and is a true believer in God's plan. So even when I get him to talk about his own pain, he quickly reaffirms his faith in God to me, and encourages me to do the same. That is my Sam: inspiring, comforting, faithful.

Last night I got to see a different emotion from him. As a group of us were encouraged to voice our petitions to God out loud (and much to my surprise), Sam stood up and said the following prayer:

"God, you know that we have been struggling with infertility for a couple of years now, and are now waiting to adopt a baby. I pray that You provide us with the comfort and patience we need to joyfully wait for this blessing we know You have in store for us. The waiting can get to be hard, and we need You..."

His last few words came out with a trembling voice; my Sam was finally breaking down. As he sat back down, I embraced his arm, and we both wept quietly. For the first time in three years, I saw his pain. It was a moment both beautiful and heart-wrenching, and I will never, ever forget it.

Sam doesn't voice his feelings too often, but I don't ever have to ask him again how he feels about our struggle; I saw it. I felt it.

Once home, Sam went back to his encouraging self. As I struggled with the news that someone we know is pregnant and had a moment of weakness by asking, "Why us?", Sam said that he believes God needed us to go through this, because a baby out there needs us to be his or her parents. A baby needs US..! What a wonderful realization this was, how beautiful it is to discover a little piece of God's plan for us, and for this child..! Indeed, God has beautiful plans for us.

I will never stop saying it: I love my husband. My husband, my hero.

The Waiting Blues

Last Summer, as I struggled to deal with my anger toward God due to our infertility, I remember being further angered by other women who had gone through a fertility-related heartbreak (failed fertility treatments, miscarriage, etc.) who didn't share their own feelings as they struggled to cope with their personal tragedies. All I read was the words that came from the calm after the storm, and at that point I felt so unique in my barrenness that I needed to see other women be angry, frustrated, etc., imploring God to help them, as much as I was. I wanted to see their weak human nature, to help me feel less inadequate and in true company of others. Well, I'm going to share my struggles.

Today was a rough day. A group of us were discussing man's struggle to choose between the kingdom of God and the kingdom of man; I began to explain that my personal struggle has been to give up what "I wanted" (to get pregnant) and to begin asking God to use me as His instrument of peace, through whatever experiences I may need to go through. And I broke down. Half of what I said came out in broken words, with a quivering voice. I barely managed to finish my thought, and proceeded to let the tears flow. In public.

I was initially upset with myself; how could I embarrass myself by crying in such a pitiful way in front of our friends? The worst part was that I couldn't stop crying; while Sam went into the grocery store to pick up things that we needed, I stayed in the car having my emotional moment. Letting the tears fall, and praying. It's been a rough month or so actually, since we've been waiting for baby for nearly four months now. The waiting period of adoption does get tough.

I eventually realized something that brought me great comfort: my sadness about being barren no longer comes with anger toward God. Where anger and frustration once lived, quiet prayer and trust, albeit weak, now dwell. My sadness has not left me, and I really doubt that it ever will. I will always struggle to see other women with full, fruitful bellies and their little ones. I will always have to fight the urge to resent. But I trust that He leads our lives, and that He is using us to teach others about His love and infinite mercy.

When you read books about adoption, writers tend to say that a barren couple should be finished mourning their infertility before they consider adoption. I only agree with this statement somewhat, as I truly believe that the sadness never leaves. I think the difference comes when instead of asking, "why me??", you begin thinking, "well... I'm very sad that we can't do this... but I also see hope."  My hope dwells in God, and I am in awe at how much He loves us all.

I dare say that if we would've been able to have children with no problems, Sam and I may not have come to study His word more closely, and may not have started searching to be closer to Him. I may have not begun to learn what true, undefiled, pure trust in Him can look like. We would've kept on living our lives in a whirlwind (I probably would've earned my Master's in Architecture), not bothering to pause and truly meditate on Him. After the darkest part of our storm, I love Him more than I thought I ever would, because He not once abandoned us. I once thought that He was not here, and at that time I was doing all the talking; I was angry, proud, frustrated, envious of others. I was in such a dark place. Once I let go of what I so intently wanted to hold on to, I began to feel free, and peaceful.

Mark this as a blue day for me. I am still sad, I will always be. But God holds us together. I can feel it.

This is one of my "life changing" songs, Laura Story's "Blessings":
http://www.lyricshall.com/lyrics/Laura+Story/Blessings/

Baby's nursery

Every time I look at the future nursery, I can't help but smile: it truly has been a labor of love for this beautiful miracle we've got coming. Enjoy the photos!

Found these decals on Amazon; they fit so well with the tree! 

Paintings I made 

Future cuddling / reading nook :)

Sketch v. Actual Room :)

Welcome to the New Look!

I have to admit: Blogger does NOT have the best template editor in the world. But I was finally able to put together something more like us, and I'm so happy with it! Welcome :)

P.S.: I didn't do this on purpose, but I just realized this is my 100th post. So woohoo for new blog look, let's pretend I totally did it to celebrate my 100th!

Sharing our Knowledge: Looking for an Adoption Agency

We're about to enter our third "waiting" month; the baby's room is slowly taking shape, and things seem to be... nice, calm, and happy. It's been an amazing year so far, and I pray that we remain focused on the many blessings to come, no matter how long we need to wait.

Our path to adoption was not an easy one; after being diagnosed with Premature Ovarian Failure (POF), it took me about a year to grieve our infertility, break down emotionally, give in to His will, and move on to where we are now. Sam, being the "perfect for me" husband that he is, patiently waited as I moved on from overwhelming sense of loss to quiet hope. Once I was ready to look into adoption, I wanted to find as much information as possible on how to get started: websites, books, friends of friends who have adopted... you name it.

So, even though I know there are a billion information sources out there on the adoption topic, I thought it would be good to construct a guideline on how to start this journey, based on our own experiences and research. Consider this Part 1 in what I'm sure will be a developing series for anyone trying to figure out where to start. Since we are working with a private adoption agency, this is where my focus will be.


Which Type of Agency to go with?

The decision to adopt our baby through a private agency was based on several factors:

- We briefly considered international adoption, but soon learned that a prospective adoptive family needs to travel to the child's country of origin at least twice: once to receive that government's approval to adopt a child, and once to pick up your child and bring him/her back home. While we deeply respect families who feel called to do this, we decided there were plenty of children here in the U.S. who needed a family and a home. Also, we decided that travel abroad and associated expenses was not for us (POF = low energy to begin with!). I have read that international adoptions can run from $20,000 up to $50,000 depending on which country you adopt from and which agency you go with; this is a pretty healthy range and gives families more flexibility as far as expected expenses goes.

- We also read about lawyer-facilitated adoptions, where the adoptive couple looks for a birthmother on their own; the lawyer may or may not specialize in adoption. This route allows families to get creative a far a finding potential birthmothers: I read about a couple who literally wore "We're Expecting... to Adopt a Child Soon!" t-shirts during family outings around town, and they found their birthmother this way. I have to say, we wanted to feel a bit more protected; we felt that a private agency with years of experience handling the process would be a better source of knowledge for us, in all aspects of adoption (rather than just the legal part). We also wanted to find an agency that provided counseling services to potential birthmothers, to help them realize the emotions of loss that come with having their child placed for adoption.

-  We met with an agency that specializes in adoption through the state of Texas (adoption and foster-to-adopt), but after learning that a child may be taken away from our home up to 18 months after receiving him or her into our home, Sam told me that he didn't think I would be able to handle this emotionally speaking, especially being our first child. We are considering this route for the future though, since the U.S. foster care system has SO many children starving for love. One major positive: costs are significantly lower (I'm talking as low as $5,000) when adopting a child through the state.

- We also called into some big-name, nationwide adoption agencies that advertise all over the country. The idea of larger exposure (which likely results in being picked much sooner) was very appealing, but given the fact that some states give birthmothers a much longer period of time to change their mind about the process (California allows SIX weeks after the baby is born!), we decided against this approach. Our adoption agency, Adoption Affiliates, is based in Oklahoma and Texas; in Oklahoma, the birthmother must go to court in person to voice her desire to relinquish parental rights; Texas has a "48 hours after birth" stipulation for signing relinquishment papers.

What to Ask Adoption Agencies...
I strongly recommend that families searching for an adoption agency has a list of questions to ask all agencies they contact. In my experience, some agencies are very generous when it comes to offering you information over the phone, while some have to hear you almost beg for information before they give you details. The list below is by no means a comprehensive one, but should be a good place to start:

- Ask for a detailed fee breakdown: We found that agencies that provide you with a detailed description of where your money will go tend to be more transparent and open when it comes to money. Many agencies have hidden fees they will not mention unless you ask many questions; we stayed away from these. In the fee breakdown, the following questions should be answered:
       - Does the agency charge different fees if you adopt a child of a specific race? One agency we spoke with charges 1.5 times more money for a Caucasian child than for a child with full African-American heritage.
       - Most agencies have some type of introductory meeting, where they will meet in a classroom-type setting. What do they charge for this? We saw fees ranging from $100 to $600.
       - What are the expected legal fees? Do they have a lawyer on staff, or can they recommend someone to work with?
       - Who will pay for hospital fees? What happens if the baby is born premature and/or the mother has complications and needs to stay at the hospital longer than expected, who pays for this?
       - Do the fees change if the birthmother is carrying multiple babies? One agency we spoke with charges $7,000 extra per additional baby.
       - Are there any other fees nos listed on the fee breakdown that you need to be aware of?
     
- Does the agency test birthmothers for drug use and STIs, or do they just ask her about it and trust that she is being honest?
- Does the agency provide counseling for birthmothers before AND after the baby is born? Thorough counseling can decrease the risk of a birthmother changing her mind once the baby is born.
- Does the agency make every effort to find the birthfather to have him sign the relinquishment papers? Many agencies will not bother to do so.
- If the baby needs to go to foster care right after he or she is born, do they have someone on staff who can be the foster parent? If not, do they have someone they work with?
- Does the agency act as an intermediary between birthfamily and adoptive family when it comes to communication between the two?
- What is the expected waiting period, do they have a waiting list?
- There are tax incentives for adopting a child; will the agency be able to help you come tax season?
- Does the agency require the adoptive family to be members of the same church? Sam was raised Baptist and I am Catholic; our application was rejected because we did not grow up in the same church, even though we worship together and have discussed how we will raise our children extensively.

I know this list seems overwhelming; pace yourself! It's not so bad :) Say a little prayer before you start, and have a notebook where you can take notes about each agency you call.

Next post: We found our agency! Now what? (AKA: The Home Study).

(Image credit: http://www.guardian.co.uk/money/2013/jan/07/child-benefit-who-entitled-what)

Open Letter to Our First Miracle

Hello Sweetheart,

I can't believe I'm writing you for the first time, ever. Your Daddy and I are so, so excited and hopeful; we can't wait to meet you..! You may not exist in this Earth yet, but you have been in God's plans all along. He knows that your Daddy and I have been so eager to grow our little family, and He has provided a way for it to happen. Praise Him for His love, and faithfulness!

Last night I dreamed of you for the first time. It was... SUCH a happy dream! I held you in my arms, and you felt so good, so heavenly, so perfect. I'm trying to keep patient while we wait for you; as we wait, we have been preparing for your arrival: we have your crib, your car seat, even some precious little clothes for you. I have imagined a wonderful nursery that I hope you'll love, and little by little it's coming together. Sometimes I get stressed because I want everything to be just perfect for when you arrive, but I am realizing that this "waiting period" is precious; so rather than worrying about things, I am thinking more and more of you, and how delicious it will be when you complete us.

I want to be the best mom I can be for you; I know your Daddy feels the same way. We love you so much, and will joyfully and patiently wait as long as we need to wait until God decides we are ready for His most wonderful gift for us: you.

Forever in love with you,

Mommy

A Newfound Appreciation for the Beatitudes

I know it sounds cliché for some people. But I need to testify about the most special and humbling part of our infertility journey.

I spent over a year of my life living without a breath of life in me: crying, tormented by thoughts about my inadequacy to conceive and be “a real woman”, not able to see or speak to those who were expecting a child of their own. I hit absolute rock bottom twice, I believe. I kept being told that giving it all up to God was what would heal me. I even began to get annoyed at the number of times I heard the same thing. But I finally reached a point where I, quite literally, could not stand my inability to do anything about my infertility; after all, I’m usually one to think, “Okay, this is the situation. What can I do about it?”, and soon after my mind has carefully crafted a plan to resolve the issue. But not this time. I became so sick of my own helplessness that I wanted to crawl out of my body and forget about the pain. And yet I was stuck. I wonder if this is the place where many people decide to do drugs, cut themselves, or even take their own lives; I don’t know. What I do know is that I finally said, “Okay… I’m done fighting. I’m so tired… God… take it. Do with it whatever you like. I’m done.” Around this time, Sam and I also began studying the Bible together. It was right around this time when I began to see light in my life again.

We began to study the Beatitudes. “Blessed are the poor in spirit; for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.”

I never truly understood this passage until a few weeks ago; poor in spirit… who IS poor in spirit? Well… it’s someone who has been broken by this earthly life; someone who acknowledges and accepts his or her own inability to do anything without Him. Someone who is poor in spirit is begging, spiritually speaking, for relief and rest. When I heard this explanation, I realized that this Beatitude was entirely about me. After all, I could not find a more perfect word to describe the state of my soul.

Broken.

You would think that this realization (that little ol’ headstrong and independent me was broken) would've brought me profound grief. I had been denying the bad shape I was in since June of 2011; but, along with the admission of my brokenness, I also concluded that I NEEDED to be broken. Just like a wild horse needs to be tamed into gentle submission, my impetuous and often stubborn heart HAD to be subdued to His will. Nothing else could have broken me as much as the shattering of my pride. Infertility took me on a rollercoaster that went from needless pride to quiet humility. While on that bumpy ride, I often asked God, “why??”, and “when will you listen to my pleas?”. *sigh*. Little did I know, I needed to be WILLING to accept His will; I had to let go of my own reins.

So, here I am. I’m lucky to feel alive again. I’m sure that our adoption journey has brought me new hope, but I also know that if we would've started the adoption process six months ago, I would not be able to freely talk about our infertility, and see our loved ones who are waiting to meet their babies soon.

Praise be to He who has breathed new life into me.