PMS / Maternal yearnings

Strange title, huh? Well, I am indeed hoping that my down mood from the past few days is PMS, which means that a) the tea has again helped me have a period, and b) the weepiness will go away soon.

How cruel can infertility be. Because of unstable hormone levels, I every so often experience symptoms which typically present themselves during pregnancy: elevated libido, food cravings/habits, deep nausea, weight gain, body temperature changes. And as hard as I try to not think about it much, every time I experience these symptoms I wonder if the miracle we have been hoping for has happened. The past few days have been chock-full of these symptoms. Often, as I (foolishly?) let pregnancy hopes creep into my mind, thoughts like the following (which I wrote today, while at work) inundate me:

"Are you there...? Or am I imagining, wishing that you CAN be there...? The Holy hand of our Father can create you, and I could feel you there... What if this is not His will? Will you remain a lost dream forever...? Whether you ever come to exist or not, I love you, so much. A few nights ago I even dreamed about you; I held you in my arms, and I felt such a powerful maternal instinct that I still felt it when I woke up...I so wish that I could hold you..."

*sigh*, very much hoping I go back to happy soon....

An Anniversary.

It's been a year, now. A year of many tears wetting my pillow at night. Many prayers. Many consoling hugs with my hubby. One very wonderful dream potentially shattered. And one ongoing process of acceptance, thankfulness and loving worship despite this, the biggest of our trials so far.

The curious thing (and a good, unexpected sign) is that the day of the one-year anniversary since I was given my diagnosis, the three little words which have completely changed our outlook on our family-building dreams... I didn't remember about it. I was quite shocked once I realized that a week had gone by since June 13th, and it just hadn't crossed my mind.

It must mean that I'm in a better place, overall. I still have some tough bridges to cross, and I expect to be able to cross them at some point. But I'm not planning on pushing myself to do so. I'm happy and welcome all progress I have made, and patiently look forward to the days when my face won't become one of deep sadness when I see a mother with her child. I know I'll get there, it'll just take some time.

I have learned to put myself first more often. I know it sounds selfish, but in the past few months I have come to know other infertile women who in order to please other people and avoid hurting feelings, have forced themselves to be in situations they were not ready to be in, and will hate themselves for doing so later on. These women advice other "infertile newbies" like myself to take our time, to not make the mistakes they have made or we may inadvertently take a step back in our healing process. And I have come to realize that by putting my well-being first, I am indeed happier and our household is happier. Doing this has also allowed me to talk to my sister in law and friend from BRW (both pregnant) and be at peace with it. The path to acceptance is a long one, but I can see progress.

I only have God to thank for this. He has not abandoned us, and after what seems like the longest year of our lives, we have begun to be quiet and listen to Him. To feel His holy and Perfect presence with us.

It's been a year, now. Life is finally beginning to be beautiful again.

Huh..!

Almost three weeks into the new job, I can safely say that I'm enjoying the change (AND the electrical mumbo jumbo, too). The new job is a straight 8-to-5, no-stress job. I come home every day with plenty of time to spend with the hubby, read, relax... yep, THIS is what life should be like for everybody.   

I have begun drinking this tea I found at HEB, called Don Quai's Women's Energy tea. It's helped me enormously when it comes to feeling more energy throughout the day, and even helped me have a period. I'm very much hoping that it helps me have a second period (and a third, and a fourth... you get the idea), since ideally I would love to be synthetic-hormone-free. We'll see.

I read an article recently regarding premature ovarian syndrome. It turns out that aside of being at-risk for osteoporosis and heart problems, women with the condition (like myself) have a shorter life expectancy and are at risk of having potentially fatal cerebral aneurysms and developing neurological disorders such as Parkinson's and Alzheimer's. The article also explains that previous estimates which calculated that 1% of women suffered from POF were low: it turns out that the number may be closer to 6%. 

Thankfully this tea, which I drink everyday, also keeps me from having minor panic attacks (common in menopausal women). Otherwise the paragraph above would make my heart explode. And thankfully, my life has changed for the better: information like this makes me feel even happier and more relieved that I'm OUT of the stress I was in for far too long. As much as I enjoyed designing buildings, it is not worth it. 

And you know what... I have not missed Architecture. I truly enjoyed it while it lasted, but nothing compares to beginning to be happy again, both at home and at work.

Praise the Lord for this. 

Dear Architecture: It's not You, it's Me

Well, my career in Architecture will officially come to a potentially permanent end on June 1st. I have accepted a part-time position with an Engineering company here in town. To say that I'm feeling ambivalent about it is an understatement, but what's done is done. When I think of the people I won't get to see anymore, the nice salary and the awesome fourth-floor Aggieland view I get everyday, I know I'll miss BRW quite a bit: the group of people who work there are really great. When I think of potentially spending 5-6 more months fighting with lazy/incompetent contractors and traveling up to six hours in one day to visit a construction site, not to mention all the extra work away from Sam...I'm happy and relieved that I'm leaving.

While at BRW I got to learn quite a bit about building design, and I'm happy when I think there are four buildings in Texas that look the way they look because of me: I designed their facades. Three of these buildings will serve as a "home away from home" for many firefighters, and the fourth will become THE symbol of civic duty for one town. While I'm happy about this, as Switchfoot says: "...we were meant to live for so much more..."

It may be a challenge for me to really love the new position: I'll be a CAD monkey (which I don't mind, actually), helping design power substations and power lines. Wheee! They look like this:

The company all of a sudden has A LOT of work to get done, work which will last for at least the next two years. They need someone to help engineers get drawings out, and also help create a CAD library of electrical components, etc. which I'm actually excited about (because let's face it, I friggin' love CAD). The company does NOT like overtime, and even offer 401K and some paid vacation/holidays to part time employees, which is unheard of. So I'm pretty excited about that. Even though Sam and I have exhaustively looked at our budget making sure that we will be able to afford my move to part-time I still feel a bit apprehensive; but I have to trust that the Lord will provide. Besides, we are blessed enough that I know we could adjust our budget more if needed.

I just want... peace of mind. I'm tired. I want my job to JUST be a job; not the reason why I'm away from my family.

Child of the '90s

In an effort to brighten up my days (and after listening to totally awesome songs on our Sirius stations in the new car), I decided to make a list of songs that make me happy the SECOND I hear the first notes; with the purpose of making an "in case of an emergency" playlist. So I've been putting together this list for about 3 weeks now, and the obvious has been revealed to me yet again: even though I have fairly diverse music tastes (from the blues to the Beatles to Tchaikovsky and Beethoven), musically speaking I am essentially a child of the '90s. You see, I was very lucky to have lived my "moody teenage girl" years in an era when grunge and bands like Oasis, Third Eye Blind and The Wallflowers ruled the radio waves. It was a perfect fit! So without further ado and in no specific preference order, here's my running list of what I consider "timeless" songs:

- Killing me Softly with His Song, by the Fugees (1995)
- Counting Blue Cars, by Dishwalla (1996)
- I Know, by Dionne Farris (1995)
- Shy Guy, by Diana King (1995)
- Strong Enough, by Sheryl Crow (1994)
- Are you that Somebody?, by Aaliyah (1998)
- Your Woman, by White Town (1997)
- Never Let You Go, Third Eye Blind (1999)
- You Make my Dreams, by Hall & Oates (1981)
- You Get What You Give, New Radicals (1998)
- Doo Wop (That Thing), Lauryn Hill (1998)
- Unwell, Matchbox Twenty (2003)
- I Don't Want to Wait, Paula Cole (1997)
- Virtual Insanity, Jamiroquai (1996)
- One of Us, Joan Osborne (1995)
- All I Wanna Do, Sheryl Crow (1994)
- A Long Walk, Jill Scott (2001)
- Daydreamer, Adele (2008)
- Hometown Glory, Adele (2008)
- Waterfalls, TLC (1995)
- No Rain, Blind Melon (1992)
- Don't Speak, No Doubt (1995)
- Lovefool, The Cardigans (1995)
- Kiss Me, Sixpence None the Richer (1997)
- I'm a Slave 4 U, Britney Spears (2001)
- One Headlight, The Wallflowers (1997)
- Jumper, Third Eye Blind (1998)
- About a Girl, Nirvana (1989)
- Wonderwall, Oasis (1995)
- Two Princes, Spin Doctors (1993)
- December, Collective Soul (1995)
- Semi-Charmed Life, Third Eye Blind (1997)
- Crazy, Aerosmith (1994)
- Ray of Light, Madonna (1998)
- Don't Tell Me, Madonna (2000)
- Kiss from a Rose, Seal (1994)
- Beautiful Stranger, Madonna (1999)
- What's Up, 4 Non Blondes (1992)
- Missing, Everything but the Girl (1994)
- Every Morning, Sugar Ray (1998)
- Iris, Goo Goo Dolls (1998)
- Lullaby, Shawn Mullins (1998)
- Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman, Bryan Adams (1995)
- There She Goes, Sixpence None the Richer (1999)
- Around the World, Red Hot Chili Peppers (1999)
- Save Tonight, Eagle-Eye Cherry (1997)
- No Scrubs, TLC (1999)
- Fly Away, Lenny Kravitz (1998)
- Te Propongo, Gilberto Santa Rosa (1994)
- Everyday is a Winding Road, Sheryl Crow (1996)
- At Last, Etta James (1961)
- Luck Be a Lady, Frank Sinatra (1965)
- Como es tan Bella, Guaco (not sure... early '90s?)
- She's so High, Tal Bachman (1999)
- Scream, Michael and Janet Jackson (1995)
- 1979, Smashing Pumpkins (1996)
- Free, Ginny Owens (1999)
- Torn, Natalie Imbruglia (1997)
- Roll to Me, Del Amitri (1995)
- Free Fallin', Tom Petty (1989)
- Shine, Collective Soul (1993)
- Freak on a Leash, Korn (1998)
- Selling the News, Switchfoot (2011)
- Dark Horses, Switchfoot (2011)
- You Gotta Be, Des'ree (1994)
- Something's Always Wrong, Toad the Wet Sprocket (1994)
- South Side, Moby feat. Gwen Stefani (2000)
- Closing Time, Semisonic (1998)
- Found Out About You, Gin Blossoms (1992)
- Drive, Incubus (2000)
- Name, Goo Goo Dolls (1995)
- Stay (I Missed You), Lisa Loeb (1994)

So, to recap:
- Total # of songs: 72
- # songs from the '90s: 57

Yep, I think I've made my point. I know I'll keep thinking of other songs, but I'd say this is pretty solid. The songs from the '60s and the slow ones may not make it to the playlist because they don't fit as well with everything else, but... can't wait to have this playlist together..!

Breath of God... While I'm Waiting

There are a few Christian songs that will make me tear up the second I hear the beginning notes. During the entire song, my weak self becomes one with every word. Tonight was the first time I heard these two: one as we went to church, and the second AT church. I typically prefer songs with more upbeat music, but listening to the lyrics, it took all of me to keep my composure:

While I'm Waiting (John Waller)
(audio here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bb7TSGptd3Y )

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am hopeful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it is painful
But patiently, I will wait

I will move ahead, bold and confident
Taking every step in obedience
While I'm waiting
I will serve You
While I'm waiting
I will worship
While I'm waiting
I will not faint
I'll be running the race
Even while I wait

I'm waiting
I'm waiting on You, Lord
And I am peaceful
I'm waiting on You, Lord
Though it's not easy
But faithfully, I will wait
Yes, I will wait
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve You while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting
I will serve you while I'm waiting
I will worship while I'm waiting on You, Lord


Breath of God (Cindy Rethmeier, Terry Butler)
(audio here: http://smudge77.multiply.com/journal/item/211 )
Breathe on me, breath of God
My spirit yearns for you
Hide me in Your fathering arms
Fill up my longing soul


Flood over me like a river my God
Immerse me in Your living stream
Awaken the song that You placed in my heart
Spirit, breathe on me
Spirit, breathe on me


Breathe on me, breath of God
Burn bright, eternal fire
Father, draw me near to Your heart
You are my one desire

Spring Garden.

Thankfully this year we have received lots of rain, and with this, we have been blessed with lots of beautiful flowers in our garden. 3 weeks ago I planted four new plants (Silky Gold Butterfly Weed), and they're all thriving, thank goodness. It would've been a huge blow to my ego to not be able to grow anything from "scratch" (either inside or outside of me, ha ha).

So, here are our most beautiful flowers:

Oleander flowers 

 Bottlebrush

 Silky gold flowers (which as you'll see on the last photo, attract Monarch butterflies and caterpillars)

Knockout roses 

 Caterpillar.! We saw it poop yesterday. There's about 20 of them eating the leaves off the new plants. But it's all good.