A Newfound Appreciation for the Beatitudes

I know it sounds cliché for some people. But I need to testify about the most special and humbling part of our infertility journey.

I spent over a year of my life living without a breath of life in me: crying, tormented by thoughts about my inadequacy to conceive and be “a real woman”, not able to see or speak to those who were expecting a child of their own. I hit absolute rock bottom twice, I believe. I kept being told that giving it all up to God was what would heal me. I even began to get annoyed at the number of times I heard the same thing. But I finally reached a point where I, quite literally, could not stand my inability to do anything about my infertility; after all, I’m usually one to think, “Okay, this is the situation. What can I do about it?”, and soon after my mind has carefully crafted a plan to resolve the issue. But not this time. I became so sick of my own helplessness that I wanted to crawl out of my body and forget about the pain. And yet I was stuck. I wonder if this is the place where many people decide to do drugs, cut themselves, or even take their own lives; I don’t know. What I do know is that I finally said, “Okay… I’m done fighting. I’m so tired… God… take it. Do with it whatever you like. I’m done.” Around this time, Sam and I also began studying the Bible together. It was right around this time when I began to see light in my life again.

We began to study the Beatitudes. “Blessed are the poor in spirit; for theirs is the kingdom of Heaven.”

I never truly understood this passage until a few weeks ago; poor in spirit… who IS poor in spirit? Well… it’s someone who has been broken by this earthly life; someone who acknowledges and accepts his or her own inability to do anything without Him. Someone who is poor in spirit is begging, spiritually speaking, for relief and rest. When I heard this explanation, I realized that this Beatitude was entirely about me. After all, I could not find a more perfect word to describe the state of my soul.

Broken.

You would think that this realization (that little ol’ headstrong and independent me was broken) would've brought me profound grief. I had been denying the bad shape I was in since June of 2011; but, along with the admission of my brokenness, I also concluded that I NEEDED to be broken. Just like a wild horse needs to be tamed into gentle submission, my impetuous and often stubborn heart HAD to be subdued to His will. Nothing else could have broken me as much as the shattering of my pride. Infertility took me on a rollercoaster that went from needless pride to quiet humility. While on that bumpy ride, I often asked God, “why??”, and “when will you listen to my pleas?”. *sigh*. Little did I know, I needed to be WILLING to accept His will; I had to let go of my own reins.

So, here I am. I’m lucky to feel alive again. I’m sure that our adoption journey has brought me new hope, but I also know that if we would've started the adoption process six months ago, I would not be able to freely talk about our infertility, and see our loved ones who are waiting to meet their babies soon.

Praise be to He who has breathed new life into me.

Permission to Feel Joy

This past Sunday Sam and I attended an all-day seminar on the adoption process, held at the San Antonio branch of Adoption  Affiliates. Even though we had already decided to work with this agency, the seminar further assured us that this is the perfect fit for us. I’m so excited I could talk about it all day long..!

The seminar covered a wide range of adoption-related topics, answering questions from “how does a birthmother feel when going through this process?” to “what kind of car seats should we think about getting?”. We got to hear stories directly from a birthmother and two couples who have become parents through AA: how the branch directors at AA (Jan and Julie) went above and beyond helping them through the process; how they were extensively counseled on coping with all these changes, how they still care even though it’s been a couple of years since the formal process ended. The sense of peace seen in these people, from their grateful words down to their body language, made us feel like we were in the process of not only becoming parents, but becoming family with this agency.

We were one out of six couples that attended the seminar; it’s funny how total strangers can instantly feel a strong connection the second they begin to share their stories with one another. Even though specific reasons for infertility varied among us, the deep longing and sense of humility in that room was palpable. For a split second I thought, “Sooo… a birthmother could pick us… or any of these other couples”, but instead of feeling “competitive” about it, I felt very hopeful and happy that we were all there, together, with one common hope: to expand our families and love a child.

So, a few of the many things we learned:

-          Many birthmothers are NOT teenage girls, as you would believe. The birthmother we met was 29 years old when she got pregnant with her third child, and since she is strongly opposed to abortion and could not take care of so many children, decided to give her child up for adoption. She still receives letters and photos from the adoptive family, and the little girl knows she has a birthmother (even though she’s only two years old). She is so happy that the girl is in wonderful hands.

-          Older people, as a general rule, tend to have a harder time accepting adoption as a safe way to become parents. This made me feel much better, since my grandma has been having a hard time understanding why we have decided to adopt. She believes that Sam and I “don’t have enough faith in God”, and wishes we would wait until a miracle happened. It’s been one of the hardest things to deal with, because it’s easy to feel like we’re being rejected for our decision. But, hearing stories about why older people react this way to adoption gave me a better understanding, and hopefully more patience too.

-          We should be getting ready for baby, after all. One of the most important things this seminar gave me was permission to feel excitement; permission to buy crib, look up bottle brands, etc. But, they do recommend that we wait until baby has been placed in our home before there is a baby shower. They explained that every once in a while they do have birthmothers who change their mind after all, so it is wise to wait until baby is home.

So, we have turned in the formal application paperwork and have now entered phase 2: home study, letter to birthparents, and profile (AKA cute album with photos of us and our life together). Here we go..!

(Image found here: http://peanutbutteronthekeyboard.files.wordpress.com/2012/05/holding-hands.jpg)

Baby Room Color Palette

I've been away for so long, that I haven't mentioned that we found the adoption agency we'll be working with. So, we did! The Agency is Adoption Affiliates, from San Antonio. We met with the director of the agency about a month or so ago, loved her AND everything we learned about the agency. So we're in the process of filling out the application paperwork, and on October 28th we'll attend an all-day seminar where we'll get to meet families that have come together through the agency, as well as women who have given their children up for adoption and other waiting families. The Lord has, at last, given us a ray of hope.

So, I've started clearing out the guest room so one day with the Lord's blessing, it will be full of baby things. Like I said in my previous post, it's a different kind of "nesting mode" because we don't know when baby will come. However, since we expect to be officially on the waiting list some time early 2013, we technically need to have the baby essentials in case we're called sooner than we expect.

So far, everything we have thought about discussing: making room in the guest room's closet, looking for a crib, etc., I've been quite cautious about my excitement. No necessarily on purpose, it's just that... I guess I'm afraid to be happy all the way. I know, I know: "afraid" should not be in my vocabulary, if I know the Lord carries us through all trials, all moments in our lives. I just don't want to hope that a birthmother will pick us soon, and that we'll be parents by next summer. But, there is one thing that I HAVE been getting excited about...

Baby room's colors! Furniture! My passion for color and design combined with... my incredible yearning to be a mom!!! So, after doing a bit of sketching the past few days, I came up with a really cute color palette today, I think:

I have been dreaming about painting a tree silhouette in the room, and this was my "anchor idea" for the whole thing. After considering several wall colors, I decided on Sherwin Williams' "Cargo Pants", which is a very soothing, very light green. The rest of the colors, well, need to stay pretty neutral since we won't know until last minute whether it will be a "he" or a "she". So:
- The tree will be white, and it will feature leaves of all colors. There will also be an owl, which I'm thinking will be the "boy" or "girl" part of the tree design. Kind of like the owl that I LOVE in this picture:

- I have a mobile made out of real tree branches and beautiful little birds that I painted (will HAVE to write a whole other post on that), so that will go beautifully with the tree, etc.
- Since the room is fairly small AND we will have to leave the full-size guest bed there, I decided the crib cannot be a dark brown, as I initially thought. Instead, we'll buy a white crib to help "lighten" the room. The only dark piece will be the tea cart shown in the sketch, I think I'm going to love seeing it there..!
- The bedding for the guest bed won't be just white... just wanted to keep it "open for ideas". Same with more specific decorating items like stuffed animals, etc.
- I bought this beautiful antique mirror a few months ago and haven't really found a place for it.. until now :) It will go, as you see in the sketch, above the tea cart. I knew the whimsical design of that mirror was lovely.. :)

Anyway... I'm SO excited to have this started. Yippee! :)

About Baby Showers.

What can I say, it's been so long that I'm not done with my thoughts.

We have started the "nesting process"... somewhat. We haven't finished filling out the paperwork yet, which makes it a little strange, I guess. Maybe it's that in getting to hold my niece, "baby mode" is slowly settling back within me. It's a variant of a typical "baby mode", though.

I imagine that a woman who's blessed enough to become pregnant begins to realize just how many things need to be set up and get done before baby arrives once she notices changes in her body. These changes: the morning sickness, the slowly burgeoning belly, the ultrasounds... all these things function like police sirens, reminding her that a room must be set up, and that an array of new things must be purchased: bottles, burping towels, onesies, diapers, receiving blankets...

I don't get to feel any physical changes. We don't get to have a "due date". Instead, we hope that someone will pick us. Once picked, we hope she doesn't change her mind. We get to hold our breaths and hope for 48 hours once the baby is born. We are not sure of our impending parenthood until two days after the baby has been in this Earth. So because of this, looking at cribs, making room in the guest room's closet for baby things, etc. feels quite odd. I don't feel the absolute joy that biological parents feel. I feel caution. A slightly "sad" joy.

I went to my first baby shower, ever. It was for my good friend from BRW. Since she quit BRW in September, she and her family have moved to Dallas, so I told myself I would make it to her baby shower so I could get to see her: after all, she's the only close friend I have had, here in town, since I graduated from A&M. So I braved through my uncertainty and made it to the shower. For the most part I did... okay I guess. I hardly ever smiled. When the women took turns to say a prayer for my friend... this is what got me. I had to fight to not let tears fall. Hearing over and over things like, "thank you Lord for the beautiful blessing you have bestowed upon so-and-so...", boy, that was hard.

But I soldiered through, and to me, even though I was kind of miserable at the event, it meant that I'm slowly taking one more step toward recovery. I'm still afraid of what will happen when my sister in law or my brother in law's future wife become pregnant... I'm still not looking forward to being reminded of my uniqueness. But I can't worry about that too much, now.

The shower did make me realize one more thing that made me sad: I probably will not get to have a baby shower. As I write this my eyes are watering, and I feel silly for giving this such importance. But really, I just don't see how it would happen. Like I said before, we do not know whether baby will be ours until 48 hours AFTER the baby's been born. So having a shower before knowing this for sure would feel silly and imprudent, and afterwards we'll have a baby. So... yeah, probably not.

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13

P.S.: The hilarious graphic above was found here: http://blog.cornerstorkbabygifts.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/Baby-shower-graphic.jpg . I love Google..!!

Been a While..! Update on Doctors.

Time really has been going by so flippin' fast. I blame my not updating the blog to my beloved lappy, which at almost eight years old now, really is on its last legs. Thankfully we have some money saved up so I can get a brand-new spankin' laptop when this one decides to join lappy heaven.

So anyway... since last time I posted, I decided to go see an OB-GYN who a good friend of mine had recommended. She had said this guy had amazing bedside manners, was understanding and kind, and really cared to listen to his patients. So I thought, "let's try him out..!"

Oh, what a mistake it was. From the moment the man came into the room, he had an attitude with me and I'm not sure why. I can literally write down a "laundry list" of how he was the worst doctor I have met:

- He asked why I was there. After giving him a brief history on our infertility and my need for prescription hormones so I can have a period, he asked, "why do you WANT to have a period?". "Ummm, because I am SUPPOSED to...", to which he proceeded to explain that this was not true (even though EVERY OTHER DOCTOR out there will tell you that a woman is supposed to have at least one period every three months).

- He checked the test results that other doctors had done to me; to which he proceeded to tell me that the results on hand were not enough for him to give me a diagnosis, and that for all he knew, "you could have cancer... or lupus... heck, it could be a number of things!"

- He was super annoyed when I told him that I was on a thyroid supplement. He said that when looking at my numbers, he would never think my problem was thyroid-related. When I asked him what his professional opinion would be when I told him I had: a crippling lack of energy, very cold fingertips and feet, dizzy spells, nausea, very dry skin... he said he thought I was depressed. He even tried to blame SAM for "my being depressed". I would accept this diagnosis if the symptoms would have first shown up in June of 2011, when we learned that my chances of getting pregnant were nearly zero. But I have had these symptoms since I was 12 years old.

- He suggested that I try antidepressants. Enough said.

- When he did the pap smear, he was NOT delicate. It hurt quite a bit and did not seem sympathetic when I said it hurt.

- When he did the breast exam, he did not give me a "warning" (as every other doctor has done, just to be respectful) and instead flung my gown open and started feeling up my breasts.

- Saved the BEST for last: near the end of the appointment, he said, "I prescribed the hormones for you. If I don't hear from you within the next month, I'm going to assume that (a) the hormones I prescribed worked, or (b) you fired me." Just like that.

To be fair, the TWO things he did right were:
- He prescribed bio-identical hormone supplements, as I asked.

- He recommended reproductive endocrinologists for me to see, who would likely have more experience with premature ovarian failure. Right at the beginning he acknowledged that in his 30+ years of medical practice, he had only seen about four other cases of POF. So, why not just shut up..? Why suggest that I may be depressed, likely because my husband is "devastated" at my infertility?

He's lucky I didn't walk off the room. His name is Dr. David Doss, from the Brazos Valley Women's Center.

Anyway. I did end up making an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist in Houston; I will have a phone consultation with her this coming Friday (October 19th). Here's hoping that this lady knows a thing or two about POF. I'm not holding my breath though.

How I Love Projects Like This.

Our present for Shelby, among other little things, was a trio of onesies that I decorated with fabric paint. For the first one, I picked one of Amanda's favorite childhood creations, Butterfritty. Butterfritty is a lovely creature, part cat, part frog, part butterfly that Amanda came up with when she was little. I've always loved it because it's such a wonderful display of innocent and whimsical creativity, and I figured Amanda would appreciate a symbol of her happy childhood (and the many happy moments that await her and Tim, as they see Shelby grow up). So here are a couple of photos I took of the process:

First, I sketched what Butterfritty should look like, based on an actual "model" that Amanda built when she was little (thankfully, Sam was able to give me a sketch to help jog my memory of what it looked like). Then, I scanned the image and sized it in Photoshop. I then printed the image at full scale, and placed it under the front side of the onesie. Luckily I was able to see through the material well enough to paint over it:

Greens first...

Then pink, blue, yellow...

Bad photo take at night, but... finished product!

iPhone photo, showing the little frog "footprints" I added, too:

Second onesie, no "process" photos but finished product only. This one shows Dizzey, a fainting goat that's a favorite of Amanda's, too:

And the third (simplest) of all (it still had to have a butterfly in the design):

I really enjoyed working on these; it always reminds me of working at the daycare and coming up with new ideas for the kiddos in our class. How I love stuff like this...!

Another Diagnosis. *BIG SIGH*.

So this Summer I have been having allergy problems (which I've never had before). I've also had a sleuth of weird things going on, like losing tons of hair (more than usual), super-dry skin, muscle cramps, fatigue to the point of being absolutely worthless when I get home, difficulty concentrating, feeling more cold-natured than usual... etc, etc. Many of these symptoms I've had for a long time, but the fatigue has been far worse than usual lately: it's exasperating.

While I was visiting with my new allergy doctor, he asked me questions about my overall energy levels and whatnot, since according to him, hormones and allergy problems go hand-in-hand many times. So he ordered a range of blood testing on me. The nurse got FOUR FLIPPIN' vials out of me by the way, which was insane. Yesterday I had my follow-up with him, and got to hear another diagnosis, and possible cause for my ovaries not working: hypothyroidism.

He actually mentioned "Wilson's thyroid disease" which is not at all recognized as a medical condition. In fact, many many doctors say that it's a bogus diagnosis, and that the symptoms that have been used to describe this disease (many are outlined above) are psychological in nature.

Oh sure!!! My dry skin and hair loss are clear signs of me going mental. Anyway... it turns out that this Wilson thyroid disease has been claimed to be a mild case of hypothyroidism, but one which can deeply affect many women. This allergy doctor put me on "sustained release T3", a type of thyroid, to help increase my energy levels, help reduce weight gain from low thyroid, reduce my difficulty concentrating, etc. However he recommended that I find an OB-GYN who is willing to work with me and is willing to focus on finding the proper estrogen/progesterone dosages for me. He suggested that I take bio-identical hormones, which are better than the synthetic hormones that often come in birth control pills.

The problem is... it is NOT at all easy to find a doctor who is willing to "walk that extra mile" to help one patient find balance. I have seen some doctors, some willing to help, some not so willing to do anything; and it's physically and mentally exhausting to go through it. I keep paying co-pays to doctors who either don't know what to do with me, or are not willing to do more than prescribing birth control.

I have an appointment with a doctor on September 20th. I have not read great reviews on this doctor, but I've got to try someone else. There is one great doctor who doesn't have any openings until mid-November; I'll probably set up an appointment with her as well, in case the first doctor doesn't work.

*sigh*. I'm afraid and not looking forward to this. I'm afraid to see that helpless look in a new doctor's face and hear, yet again, "you've got very serious hormonal imbalances going on, but I don't know what to do..." I am willing to try this thyroid supplement, though I have read some serious possible side effects and that scares me, too. But I have to try something.

Yesterday I went to help my good friend Janelle pack for her and her family's big move to Dallas. I'll miss her a lot. While I was very happy and glad to be able to help, it did affect me some to see her 6+ month pregnant belly, and her son running around the house. Through this condition, this seeming curse, I am learning a great deal about humility (which makes me wonder if in some way, this curse is truly... a gift). However, in the past week or so: (a) we have been rejected by a Christian agency for not belonging to the same Christian denomination; (b) I have been yet again told that my body's not at all working right, and have learned of another possible diagnosis which will require me to try a medication that may result in very serious side effects; and (c) been particularly weak, physically first which in turn makes me weak spiritually.

I'm ready for some good news. At some point, soon. I would love to hear some good news for us.