Post-News

It would be a heck of an understatement to say it's been a rough couple of days. After the initial test results came in, the doctor said she wanted to run a few more tests. The high FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) levels have all but confirmed that I indeed have premature ovarian failure (POF) or premature menopause. So the next step is try to figure out WHY. Either this coming week or next, I will go in for more blood tests which will check my thyroid a second time (levels were OK the first time around but a second check is always necessary), and test for Addison's disease and a chromosomal condition. The doctor will also refer us to a reproductive endocrinologist in Temple.

Since this took place, we have informed our families about it. I also let my boss know, since I may need to take time off if even more tests are ordered. Before I decided to tell him, he was also asking when I would be going back to grad school; and honestly ever since the news came in, I have decided I do not want this extra, silly pressure on me. So I was clear with him: don't mention it again, please. I'm very lucky to have an amazing boss; he completely understood.

I'm also trying to stay busy; I'm almost obsessed with projects (well.. have been for a while). So, I'm in the middle of:

a) Editing photos for a girl I went to college with;

b) Designing menus and calendars for the Eagle's Nest;

c) Helping the girl who cuts my hair come up with interior design ideas for her soon-to-open hair salon.

I'm also considering taking up swimming again. A part of me is very scared of keeping any kind of hope that I will become pregnant (especially since, well, the doctor herself said if she were me, she wouldn't count on it happening), but I have found articles which talk about ways to naturally reduce FSH levels so I'm going to try it. I basically need to get back in shape and just become more active, and reduce my caffeine and salt intake. I also cannot ignore the biggest risks I now face because of having POF: bone loss and heart disease. Yipee-ki-yay.

I'm not as miserable as I sound. We have received some amazing supportive reactions from our families, and I have an AMAZING husband who's being very patient with me as I learn to accept this. I also know that those who love us are praying for us, and we can feel the power of these prayers. Whenever I think of it, I have a short talk with God. I ask for peace of mind and heart. I ask for strength. I ask Him to not let me forget that He is here.

Diana

Last night my aunt Ana and I spoke for a long time about my aunt Diana. I’ve been thinking of her a lot since then. Been writing this on and off since last night; not sure how to define it because I don’t know the rules for poems or songs and I’m sure this doesn’t follow any particular rhythm. It feels right, though.

Maybe God decided she needed to rest.
Maybe she had fulfilled her purpose here.
All I know is that her memory lives on
And inspires us all to be better.

To be more kind, to show our love,
To work hard, to smile no matter what.
Her kindness still lives with us,
God, help us not forget.

Thank you for this angel you sent,
We were the chosen ones to witness:

The passion in her heart,
The strength of her will.
Right up until the end,
Diana's love knew no limits.

Now, nearly four years since she left,
Dear God, we pray that we never forget.

The passion in her heart,
The strength of her will.
God, in your infinite Glory I pray
Watch over her daughters,
Help them feel their mother’s love.

Even though we miss her so,
You must’ve needed her with you.
Forever and for always, God,
Thy Will be done.

Thank you, for this angel you sent.
Thank you, for letting her rest.

She was so beautiful. I particularly love this picture of her. She didn’t even have to do much to look this way; this picture is unposed, she's not aware the camera's there and yet she is gorgeous. I miss her... sometimes so much that it becomes just a little hard to breathe...