Post-News

It would be a heck of an understatement to say it's been a rough couple of days. After the initial test results came in, the doctor said she wanted to run a few more tests. The high FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) levels have all but confirmed that I indeed have premature ovarian failure (POF) or premature menopause. So the next step is try to figure out WHY. Either this coming week or next, I will go in for more blood tests which will check my thyroid a second time (levels were OK the first time around but a second check is always necessary), and test for Addison's disease and a chromosomal condition. The doctor will also refer us to a reproductive endocrinologist in Temple.

Since this took place, we have informed our families about it. I also let my boss know, since I may need to take time off if even more tests are ordered. Before I decided to tell him, he was also asking when I would be going back to grad school; and honestly ever since the news came in, I have decided I do not want this extra, silly pressure on me. So I was clear with him: don't mention it again, please. I'm very lucky to have an amazing boss; he completely understood.

I'm also trying to stay busy; I'm almost obsessed with projects (well.. have been for a while). So, I'm in the middle of:

a) Editing photos for a girl I went to college with;

b) Designing menus and calendars for the Eagle's Nest;

c) Helping the girl who cuts my hair come up with interior design ideas for her soon-to-open hair salon.

I'm also considering taking up swimming again. A part of me is very scared of keeping any kind of hope that I will become pregnant (especially since, well, the doctor herself said if she were me, she wouldn't count on it happening), but I have found articles which talk about ways to naturally reduce FSH levels so I'm going to try it. I basically need to get back in shape and just become more active, and reduce my caffeine and salt intake. I also cannot ignore the biggest risks I now face because of having POF: bone loss and heart disease. Yipee-ki-yay.

I'm not as miserable as I sound. We have received some amazing supportive reactions from our families, and I have an AMAZING husband who's being very patient with me as I learn to accept this. I also know that those who love us are praying for us, and we can feel the power of these prayers. Whenever I think of it, I have a short talk with God. I ask for peace of mind and heart. I ask for strength. I ask Him to not let me forget that He is here.

How Dare I

I woke up this morning having a wonderful realization about my attitude lately. It relates to my deep desire to become a mom.

When I hear about someone who complains about how miserable their life is while not doing anything to change their reality, it frustrates me. Why would you have any right to complain if you're not making any valid efforts to get out of said situation?

So this morning I wake up thinking, "You know you've been needing to get things done". Things related to my possibly needing surgery to figure out why I have not had my period for so long. Yet every once in a while I tell Sam things like, "'..'cause you know, I probably can't have a baby.." and "nothing has changed... I'm probably barren.." What is Sam supposed to say to that?

How dare I not accept God's perfect plan and will. I'm not sure if I'll be able to have kids, but there is a way for us to find out and that's by having the exploratory surgery. Yet I have not done anything to keep the process moving forward. How dare I complain about my life. Somehow I feel that God has planned for us to be parents one way or another. Maybe we will need to adopt. And that would be PERFECT because it would be His divine plan.

Regardless of what happens.. everything that happens in our lives is according to His plan, and if I truly trusted in Him I would not complain. He tells us to leave all anxiety behind and trust in Him, above all.

This is my plan now.

Trust

During the past couple of years, I have come to realize that two of my biggest shortcomings are 1) I'm way too impatient, and 2) I often say things I should not say out loud (as I mentioned in my previous entry). I've been thinking that God is giving me an amazing opportunity to develop my patience.

I never thought it would be as cliche as it's depicted in movies and TV, but when the "I want to be a mom" bug hits a woman, it is ON. It's been in me for about a year now; that's why Sam and I got off the contraceptive pill and began using Natural Family Planning, to get my body off synthetic hormones and eventually begin the family process. Through the use of the Creighton model's charts and an evaluation of my family history, we have learned that I may have some problems. Nothing has been diagnosed, but there is a chance that I may either have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) or Endometriosis. I need to get some testing and procedures done to be officially diagnosed and hopefully treated successfully. I have been very much dreading all of this. Sometimes I have even thought, "why not try to have a baby first and see what happens?". I've been willing to do this, even though there is a somewhat extensive history of miscarriages in my family.

Today when I came home I found a baby bird dead right in front of our door. Another baby was lying on the concrete, barely moving. We have a nest very close to our front door; the mom and dad birds had babies about a week ago. We think that maybe the runt died and the parents tried to get the body off the nest, and in the process the second baby fell off. We were able to get the alive baby back in the nest; hopefully the parents will nurse it back to health.

It sounds so silly, but I was so affected by the scene I saw when I first got home. We'd seen the parent birds work hard on the nest and have another brood previously, even got to see them teach the first set of babies how to fly. When we noticed that mom and dad were about to have a second brood we actually got excited: we've become attached to this little bird family.

Seeing the dead baby bird made me really sad. All of a sudden I thought, "if I'm getting so sad by the death of a baby bird, what would it be like if I was pregnant, and I lost the baby?". I have absolutely no idea what that would be like; it scares me to think that it could happen. So I'm opening myself up to the idea of those procedures... and testing. I wouldn't be able to forgive myself if the scenario above happened. I have talked about it with my aunt Ana from Mexico (who's a doctor), and she said the procedures sound like a good idea. This means waiting possibly up to a year before we can try to have a baby. It's so painful to think about this..! We've been married for two and a half wonderful years, and the eagerness to become a mom has been so powerful for a while now.

But... God guides our every step, and HE has us exactly where we need to be. His Plan is way above and beyond our understanding, and trust is just about all we need to feel peace. This is what I'm praying for now: trust and peace in us.