Sunday, July 24, 2011


Anything that reminds me of my "different state" angers me. Then it depresses me.

A foreword of sorts: this is MY journal. As such, I feel entitled to say exactly what is on my mind. I need it. I need it so badly.

Someone at work just had a baby. Someone I know is pregnant. Back when we first learned of my condition, I cried a lot. I eventually thought, "The worst thing would be if someone I know becomes pregnant soon." Then like magic, it happened.

I'm too damn young to be dealing with this. Inside, I feel a very dark voice crying out. As it cries, a very thick, tar-like substance covers it. It eventually drowns out the voice, and only a large empty hole remains. Haha, I often imagine my mind like Samara from "the Ring". Not menacing Samara though. Dark Samara. "Falling into a freaking abyss" Samara. Freaking helpless.

I pray, a lot. On and off this weekend, I've found myself begging to God to provide me with solace. With comfort. Maybe the dark voice I feel inside is not crying in anger. It's begging to be pulled out of darkness.

Friday was a pretty alright day. Until nighttime. Then all hell broke loose inside. Yesterday my eyes were still evidence of how rough the night got. I eventually went on: at work, I helped set up for today's conference. Then I went to my second photography lesson in downtown Bryan, which after an hour or so helped me forget. It helped me smile again. It was so much fun, actually: two models, two cameras, and wonderfully unique backdrops. I loved feeling free from those awful feelings, and I loved forgetting about the truth of my condition.

We're supposed to have lunch with some of Sam's friends today. I know life goes on. I have to move on.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Obesity and Awful Diets and Rationalization and...

Yesterday while I was talking to one of my coworkers, another one comes in with a huge piece of chocolate cake; she sits down and interrupts our work-related discussion to say, "Look at what I'm eating. I didn't have time to go get lunch so I had a piece of cake then. I haven't had anything to eat since then but since I have things to do after work and won't be able to get home until after 8pm, I'm having another piece of cake!". She then stares at us with a smile on her face, waiting for a reaction (maybe a "oh it's okay, you poor thing!"). As far as getting a reaction like that from me: FAT chance (no pun intended).

The first thing that came out of my mouth was, "Weren't you on a diet about two months ago?". A diet which mind you, kept her from eating any fruit at all (because the sugar in fruit is BAD for you), and made her starve for hours because she could only have protein shakes and salads. *groan*. So her reply to my question was, "yeah I was on a diet; I lost a little bit of weight then and when I got sick afterwards, I lost 25 more pounds. But I'm gonna gain it all back!". I realize me asking that question sounds pretty mean, but when she was on that diet, she would be absolutely miserable, hungry all the time; whenever I would offer fruit or some crackers, she would say they were all bad for you.

Again, *GROAN*. I just read an article online which stated that the obesity epidemic that's plaguing our country is worsening. Texas was only one of many states which saw the percentage of obese people increase. Approximately 30 PERCENT of all adults in Texas are considered obese. Not overweight, which typically means having a BMI of 25 or more; OBESE. Now, I'm not saying that all obese people have awful diet habits and that's the only reason why they're in the shape they are. I know people who genuinely have a problem they can only try to control through medication. But I do hear too many people blaming genetics for their weight issues, people who I see eating a huge meal loaded with complex carbohydrates and fat at 9:00pm. People who think eating a BANANA is bad for you because it has sugar. YES people, some fruits have a lot of sugar. NATURAL sugars. The difference comes when you eat one banana versus THREE or FOUR. Cliche saying #1: eating in moderation works, people! Eating cake is perfectly okay. Eating TWO pieces of cake, one as a substitute for an entire MEAL, is not okay.

I know some people will say, "well you've got it easy, you're not overweight". But I also have put on weight (10-20 pounds after moving to the US, 15-20 pounds after a year working), and it was dang hard to lose it. I still struggle with weight (I should be about 10 pounds lighter), but I guess sooner or later a "let's do something about this problem" attitude kicks in; I can't stand feeling sorry for myself for a long time. I also cook at home, and try to abstain from a big meal or dessert after 7:00pm or so. And honestly, I want to remain desirable for my husband; I completely agree with cliche saying #2:"He should love you no matter what you look like", but if I can do something about it, I will work to remain attractive for him. I know what it feels like to look in the mirror while naked and feeling depressed. Why perpetuate that feeling?

Does skinny always equal healthy? Absolutely not. Some other coworkers at the office are pencil-thin and eat candy all the flippin' time. They eat junk nonstop and will not gain one ounce of fat. They believe that as long as they work out, they can eat whatever junk they want. Sadly though, this is not the case. Your heart, arteries and blood circulation do get affected; that treadmill won't erase all the damage. These people look AMAZING in their cute little outfits, they could be models. But it makes me a little sad to hear them talking about going to the tanning salon and eating junk, and worrying about their looks. Forget health. LOOKS come first.

*sigh*. I know this is a long rant. It just worries me how the country is fattening itself to oblivion. I don't even want to start listing reasons why this is happening. It's just a sad outlook: people work harder, work longer hours, become consumed with work, spend less time with their families, have less time to cook at home, run around from place to place while stopping at drive-thrus to pick up anything that will help them keep moving. Exercising, taking care of your body becomes last on your list. Work comes first. Then family, then your health. It's such an awful cycle. I admit that it's really hard to get up from the couch once you get home; it's hard to get started exercising. Even doing regular home chores is hard after an entire day's work. But we've got to. For our own sake and for our well-being. Otherwise, we are denying our right to complain about rising healthcare costs; we're denying our right to wonder why more of us are becoming diabetics, why our kids are having more weight-related issues than ever.

Get on the treadmill, America. And for God's sake, eat healthy stuff. We're blessed with an abundance of healthy foods. There's no excuse.