Wednesday, June 27, 2012

PMS / Maternal yearnings

Strange title, huh? Well, I am indeed hoping that my down mood from the past few days is PMS, which means that a) the tea has again helped me have a period, and b) the weepiness will go away soon.

How cruel can infertility be. Because of unstable hormone levels, I every so often experience symptoms which typically present themselves during pregnancy: elevated libido, food cravings/habits, deep nausea, weight gain, body temperature changes. And as hard as I try to not think about it much, every time I experience these symptoms I wonder if the miracle we have been hoping for has happened. The past few days have been chock-full of these symptoms. Often, as I (foolishly?) let pregnancy hopes creep into my mind, thoughts like the following (which I wrote today, while at work) inundate me:

"Are you there...? Or am I imagining, wishing that you CAN be there...? The Holy hand of our Father can create you, and I could feel you there... What if this is not His will? Will you remain a lost dream forever...? Whether you ever come to exist or not, I love you, so much. A few nights ago I even dreamed about you; I held you in my arms, and I felt such a powerful maternal instinct that I still felt it when I woke up...I so wish that I could hold you..."

*sigh*, very much hoping I go back to happy soon....

Monday, June 25, 2012

An Anniversary.

It's been a year, now. A year of many tears wetting my pillow at night. Many prayers. Many consoling hugs with my hubby. One very wonderful dream potentially shattered. And one ongoing process of acceptance, thankfulness and loving worship despite this, the biggest of our trials so far.

The curious thing (and a good, unexpected sign) is that the day of the one-year anniversary since I was given my diagnosis, the three little words which have completely changed our outlook on our family-building dreams... I didn't remember about it. I was quite shocked once I realized that a week had gone by since June 13th, and it just hadn't crossed my mind.

It must mean that I'm in a better place, overall. I still have some tough bridges to cross, and I expect to be able to cross them at some point. But I'm not planning on pushing myself to do so. I'm happy and welcome all progress I have made, and patiently look forward to the days when my face won't become one of deep sadness when I see a mother with her child. I know I'll get there, it'll just take some time.

I have learned to put myself first more often. I know it sounds selfish, but in the past few months I have come to know other infertile women who in order to please other people and avoid hurting feelings, have forced themselves to be in situations they were not ready to be in, and will hate themselves for doing so later on. These women advice other "infertile newbies" like myself to take our time, to not make the mistakes they have made or we may inadvertently take a step back in our healing process. And I have come to realize that by putting my well-being first, I am indeed happier and our household is happier. Doing this has also allowed me to talk to my sister in law and friend from BRW (both pregnant) and be at peace with it. The path to acceptance is a long one, but I can see progress.

I only have God to thank for this. He has not abandoned us, and after what seems like the longest year of our lives, we have begun to be quiet and listen to Him. To feel His holy and Perfect presence with us.

It's been a year, now. Life is finally beginning to be beautiful again.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012


Almost three weeks into the new job, I can safely say that I'm enjoying the change (AND the electrical mumbo jumbo, too). The new job is a straight 8-to-5, no-stress job. I come home every day with plenty of time to spend with the hubby, read, relax... yep, THIS is what life should be like for everybody.   

I have begun drinking this tea I found at HEB, called Don Quai's Women's Energy tea. It's helped me enormously when it comes to feeling more energy throughout the day, and even helped me have a period. I'm very much hoping that it helps me have a second period (and a third, and a fourth... you get the idea), since ideally I would love to be synthetic-hormone-free. We'll see.

I read an article recently regarding premature ovarian syndrome. It turns out that aside of being at-risk for osteoporosis and heart problems, women with the condition (like myself) have a shorter life expectancy and are at risk of having potentially fatal cerebral aneurysms and developing neurological disorders such as Parkinson's and Alzheimer's. The article also explains that previous estimates which calculated that 1% of women suffered from POF were low: it turns out that the number may be closer to 6%. 

Thankfully this tea, which I drink everyday, also keeps me from having minor panic attacks (common in menopausal women). Otherwise the paragraph above would make my heart explode. And thankfully, my life has changed for the better: information like this makes me feel even happier and more relieved that I'm OUT of the stress I was in for far too long. As much as I enjoyed designing buildings, it is not worth it. 

And you know what... I have not missed Architecture. I truly enjoyed it while it lasted, but nothing compares to beginning to be happy again, both at home and at work.

Praise the Lord for this.