Friday, July 2, 2010

(Peace = God) > Casting the First Stone

A few nights ago I dreamed that he let me talk to the girls again. Ever since the whole thing happened, the entire set of events that began unfolding during our trip to Venezuela keeps coming back to me. And it makes me cry every once in a while because as a family we all have failed. For some reason I suddenly thought, "Jesus died on the cross to save us, to give us eternal life. And this is how we repay him: by having egos too big to forgive and move on." Jesus lowered himself to the lowest level possible in front of sinners' eyes, yet humankind goes on in its merry way ignoring our Savior's sacrifice.

Right after the whole argument happened, I spent a good bit of time wondering how anyone could become so enraged and banish family from contacting each other, for no valid reason. After a few days, several seemingly unrelated events made me realize that one of my biggest flaws is speaking impulsively without thinking things through. Now, I'm not one to sit down and take it from someone who's being unfair: I just don't like being a pushover. But I also tend to let my emotions drive too many things out of my mind, when they should stay in. Like Mimi always says, "the best word is the one that's left unsaid". You may not agree with the way someone else is doing something, but every once in a while it's best to keep your opinions to yourself.

After tortuously dissecting what led to this family fallout, I became to realize that my inability to leave an argument at the right time led this mess to happen. A part of me still firmly believes that I was right in telling him off. After all, he was insulting my mother. But I should've left it at, "please don't include me in this mess, I'm not a part of it". I shouldn't have written that email.

I'm now praying that God help me be an instrument of peace. My tongue can be a fierce ally, and sometimes an unwitting foe. This is not what God wants of me. I also pray for him. We are no different from each other: we're both sinners and should not be so willing and eager to throw the first rock at the other.

In her last blog post Amanda mentioned being grateful to God for giving her trials that in the process make her closer to Him; this is exactly what I've been thinking, too. I'd rather live a life full of difficult trials which draw me closer to our Father, than an easy life where everything's handed off to me.

I love this song, "Make Me a Channel of Your Peace":

Make me a channel of your peace.
Where there is hatred let me bring your love.
Where there is injury, your pardon, Lord
And where there's doubt, true faith in you.

Chorus:
Oh, Master grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul.

Make me a channel of your peace
Where there's despair in life, let me bring hope
Where there is darkness, only light
And where there's sadness, ever joy.

Chorus

Make me a channel of your peace
It is in pardoning that we are pardoned
In giving to all men that we receive
And in dying that we're born to eternal
life.

Chorus

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