About Baby Showers.

What can I say, it's been so long that I'm not done with my thoughts.

We have started the "nesting process"... somewhat. We haven't finished filling out the paperwork yet, which makes it a little strange, I guess. Maybe it's that in getting to hold my niece, "baby mode" is slowly settling back within me. It's a variant of a typical "baby mode", though.

I imagine that a woman who's blessed enough to become pregnant begins to realize just how many things need to be set up and get done before baby arrives once she notices changes in her body. These changes: the morning sickness, the slowly burgeoning belly, the ultrasounds... all these things function like police sirens, reminding her that a room must be set up, and that an array of new things must be purchased: bottles, burping towels, onesies, diapers, receiving blankets...

I don't get to feel any physical changes. We don't get to have a "due date". Instead, we hope that someone will pick us. Once picked, we hope she doesn't change her mind. We get to hold our breaths and hope for 48 hours once the baby is born. We are not sure of our impending parenthood until two days after the baby has been in this Earth. So because of this, looking at cribs, making room in the guest room's closet for baby things, etc. feels quite odd. I don't feel the absolute joy that biological parents feel. I feel caution. A slightly "sad" joy.

I went to my first baby shower, ever. It was for my good friend from BRW. Since she quit BRW in September, she and her family have moved to Dallas, so I told myself I would make it to her baby shower so I could get to see her: after all, she's the only close friend I have had, here in town, since I graduated from A&M. So I braved through my uncertainty and made it to the shower. For the most part I did... okay I guess. I hardly ever smiled. When the women took turns to say a prayer for my friend... this is what got me. I had to fight to not let tears fall. Hearing over and over things like, "thank you Lord for the beautiful blessing you have bestowed upon so-and-so...", boy, that was hard.

But I soldiered through, and to me, even though I was kind of miserable at the event, it meant that I'm slowly taking one more step toward recovery. I'm still afraid of what will happen when my sister in law or my brother in law's future wife become pregnant... I'm still not looking forward to being reminded of my uniqueness. But I can't worry about that too much, now.

The shower did make me realize one more thing that made me sad: I probably will not get to have a baby shower. As I write this my eyes are watering, and I feel silly for giving this such importance. But really, I just don't see how it would happen. Like I said before, we do not know whether baby will be ours until 48 hours AFTER the baby's been born. So having a shower before knowing this for sure would feel silly and imprudent, and afterwards we'll have a baby. So... yeah, probably not.

"I can do all things through Him who strengthens me" Philippians 4:13

P.S.: The hilarious graphic above was found here: http://blog.cornerstorkbabygifts.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/Baby-shower-graphic.jpg . I love Google..!!