Throughout our infertility journey, Sam has been every inch the rock I have needed to lean on: his arms have been open when I've needed a comforting embrace, and his chest has dried countless tears as I clung to him. He's more of a listener than a talker; and I have worried that we may be neglecting HIS own pain: I mean, not being able to produce offspring, that's got to be a big deal for a man. So a couple of times, I have asked him how he feels about not being able to have a baby of our own. He has explained that what affects him most is seeing the pain in me, because he knows that sometimes nothing can make the sadness go away. The other thing that affects him deeply is thinking about events like future Harvey family reunions, where our baby will likely not be eligible for "youngest Harvey in the family", because he or she will not be blood related. But Sam is very much a positive thinker, and is a true believer in God's plan. So even when I get him to talk about his own pain, he quickly reaffirms his faith in God to me, and encourages me to do the same. That is my Sam: inspiring, comforting, faithful.
Last night I got to see a different emotion from him. As a group of us were encouraged to voice our petitions to God out loud (and much to my surprise), Sam stood up and said the following prayer:
"God, you know that we have been struggling with infertility for a couple of years now, and are now waiting to adopt a baby. I pray that You provide us with the comfort and patience we need to joyfully wait for this blessing we know You have in store for us. The waiting can get to be hard, and we need You..."
His last few words came out with a trembling voice; my Sam was finally breaking down. As he sat back down, I embraced his arm, and we both wept quietly. For the first time in three years, I saw his pain. It was a moment both beautiful and heart-wrenching, and I will never, ever forget it.
Sam doesn't voice his feelings too often, but I don't ever have to ask him again how he feels about our struggle; I saw it. I felt it.
Once home, Sam went back to his encouraging self. As I struggled with the news that someone we know is pregnant and had a moment of weakness by asking, "Why us?", Sam said that he believes God needed us to go through this, because a baby out there needs us to be his or her parents. A baby needs US..! What a wonderful realization this was, how beautiful it is to discover a little piece of God's plan for us, and for this child..! Indeed, God has beautiful plans for us.
I will never stop saying it: I love my husband. My husband, my hero.