An Anniversary.

It's been a year, now. A year of many tears wetting my pillow at night. Many prayers. Many consoling hugs with my hubby. One very wonderful dream potentially shattered. And one ongoing process of acceptance, thankfulness and loving worship despite this, the biggest of our trials so far.

The curious thing (and a good, unexpected sign) is that the day of the one-year anniversary since I was given my diagnosis, the three little words which have completely changed our outlook on our family-building dreams... I didn't remember about it. I was quite shocked once I realized that a week had gone by since June 13th, and it just hadn't crossed my mind.

It must mean that I'm in a better place, overall. I still have some tough bridges to cross, and I expect to be able to cross them at some point. But I'm not planning on pushing myself to do so. I'm happy and welcome all progress I have made, and patiently look forward to the days when my face won't become one of deep sadness when I see a mother with her child. I know I'll get there, it'll just take some time.

I have learned to put myself first more often. I know it sounds selfish, but in the past few months I have come to know other infertile women who in order to please other people and avoid hurting feelings, have forced themselves to be in situations they were not ready to be in, and will hate themselves for doing so later on. These women advice other "infertile newbies" like myself to take our time, to not make the mistakes they have made or we may inadvertently take a step back in our healing process. And I have come to realize that by putting my well-being first, I am indeed happier and our household is happier. Doing this has also allowed me to talk to my sister in law and friend from BRW (both pregnant) and be at peace with it. The path to acceptance is a long one, but I can see progress.

I only have God to thank for this. He has not abandoned us, and after what seems like the longest year of our lives, we have begun to be quiet and listen to Him. To feel His holy and Perfect presence with us.

It's been a year, now. Life is finally beginning to be beautiful again.