Fear

Today I received an email forward from Sam's mom which asked a series of questions so other people can get to know you better. One of the questions was, "What are you most afraid of?". My official response to the question was losing Sam and/or family. But it left me thinking.

Seeing people lose their loved ones, witnessing their pain makes me quite afraid of losing Sam. I honestly cannot imagine what life would be like without him. I find myself happiest when I'm with him; I think I'd forgotten what it was like to laugh openly and without reservations before I met him. Life is simply amazing with Sam. I'd like to think that if "that" ever happened, that my faith in God and in His ways would get me through my darkest moments. But of course, I'm sure this is one of those "easier said than done" things. I'd like to trust in my faith, but I can't help being afraid when I think of the possibility.

My one other very, very strong fear is to die and to face God with "not much". When He asks me, "What did you do with the gifts that I gave you? Were you kind to others at all times? Did you love everyone else that you met while on Earth, just as much as I love you?", will I be happy to tell Him, "YES God, I did!", or will I look down knowing that I failed? Of course, I know that believing in God, his Son Jesus and accepting his Salvation while following His way saves me. But sometimes I can't help but ask, "Am I doing enough?".

I guess that's the "Catholic" in me thinking about this, and feeling guilt. I believe that some of this is good because it helps me think about my life and encourages me to practice my faith even when my selfish self doesn't want to. After all, there are plenty of so-called "Christians" (and among these, some so-called "Catholics") who are just that: a name. Believing is not enough. Because if one truly believes, one would put God's teachings into practice, and take it one, two, a thousand steps further and transform faith into action. And sometimes I truly feel that I'm lacking this kind of action. I'm talking about the kind of action that we should exercise EVERY DAY and that we sometimes forget about: loving everyone around you, no matter who it is. Accepting and loving them exactly as they are, without reservations.

Now, some people are hard to love. Some people push others away. I can't help but ask myself how I can keep showing my love for someone who feels like an emotional roller coaster: sometimes you're up, up, and happy; and sometimes you're down and dragging whoever's around down with you. I'm coming to realize that this is one of the biggest and hardest challenges for me: to show love and compassion regardless of this roller coaster. It's so easy to compare how my relationships with others hold up against my relationship with Sam, because life with him is wonderfully simple: no roller coasters, no ups and downs. And I absolutely love the peace that I find when I come home.

I need inner peace. I need God's hand here. My resolution is to seek Him more often. I want to read His word with Sam. I fear being too proud to show love.